Poetry / Purging Mateo from my mind

I position and reposition as if tossed on the ocean <—I thought that line was nifty, yet don’t completey get it

I thought it was very clear on your point. But I didn’t completely get some of the lines.

What is Mateo to you?

You brought the point that your messed up by Mateo being gone but what is Mateo to you?

This is my first review ever so might not be greatest in the world

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February 27, 2007

by Daniella

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
160	72.4% (29 votes)	40.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
58	F	San Diego, CA	November 27

The line means I toss and turn. What is Mateo to me? Good question, but since this is a poem not a short story you have to supply that meaning. To me, Mateo is a lover.

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Wonderful poem, I took some editing liberties, hope you don’t mind.

I position and reposition as if tossed on the ocean,
My legs hang over the edge of the world.
The melting clock rings like the siren on a fire engine.
As a pummeled, red-eyed ghost
I emerge from wild sleep -
Mateo is gone.
It’s time to shake slumber and stretch
Awaken from the gray smoky landscape.
The cracked earth
Is my skin and lips.
I sleep too much as if trying to catch up.
Exhausted as a runner in a race that is done,
Now that Mateo is gone

Strong and sound imagery in this poem that unites well with the underlying theme.  The comparison of restlessness in sleep in the ocean is very vivid and accurate.  You incorporate images of ocean, cracked earth, atmosphere, the body, and time.  This works well together because although these are seemingly divergent elements, the natural imagery forms an overall atmosphere or landscape of loss.  You continually compare features of the earth to your own bodily experiences, which further unifies and which is also a very effective technique.  
Technicality: “the cracked earth” should not have a period after it; it interrupts the flow.
I like the repitition of “Mateo is gone”, but as a phrase it borders on a cliche.  Perhaps “gone” could be replaced with some stronger word.  This is especially important in the last line, because you could be ending on a much stronger note than you are.
Nice work overall; its almost there.
l.e.n.

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February 13, 2007

by Daniella

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
160	72.4% (29 votes)	40.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
58	F	San Diego, CA	November 27

Hi l.e.n.,
Thanks for your kind consideration and helpful comments. Few people devote the time or understand the poem. You’re right, there’s no period after earth.
Peace and hugs,
Daniella

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Excellent poem.  I like your imagery very much!  I do not find anything wrong to criticize (:).  Moving write.

I feel the loss in this, and the restlessness of it. The imagery is nice, I just have a little trouble with the line “the melting clock rings harsh like an approaching fire engine” – it seems out of place in the otherwise natural setting of words you have created here. It is interrupting yes, maybe more like an incoming storm than fire engine? Overall nice poem, makes me miss him too.

I love this poem. “The cracked earth.
That is my skin and lips.” That part, especially. I believe the last two lines before “now that mateo is gone” could be revised for an even stronger ending…the strength of the wordplay within those two lines seems a bit weaker than within the body. Either way, you have a wonderful piece here.