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Poetry / Dandelions
We were teenaged lovers
the first two people
to ever fall in love
to ever see
the sky more blue
the air more sweet
or the whole universe compressed
into the minutely detailed reflection
of our eyes
We lay in the field all green
and yellow with robust dandelions
watching white butterflies
dance circles
naming ourselves and counting freckles
in love.
You plucked a dandelion from its stem
I said put it under your chin
so you did
but no yellow
reflected off your skin
You’re in love I said
for what else could I say.
Tomorrow I’ll be walking through
the field all green
and watch lawnmowers eat grass
and, despite myself, wonder
at how sweet the smell is
of freshly crushed
dandelions.
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jessilainey reviewed Version 1 -
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This is kind of bland, you definitely need more vivid language. I can tell it has some depth in the descriptions, but it could be more emotion evoking.
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Sparkles reviewed Version 1 -
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I think that a big problem would be punctuation. Add some and it could make it flow easier. The third stanza could use a re-structure. Line 2: “Put it under your chin,” I said. and then line 3: “You did, but no yellow” and move on to the next. Other than that, I think it is lovely.
Bronzefire reviewed Version 1 -
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The essence of this poem is absolutely beautiful. However, I feel that the words do not flow with the grace neccessary to project the desired emotion. And…I feel that if you reread each line, while rearranging the words used, you will succede in your attempt.
Good luck to you. I hope that I’ve been able to help.
Anita
momsgirl2 reviewed Version 1 -
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sweet poem. You could start with the 2nd line and put..the word perhaps at the beginning. then put or ever see the bluest sky nand make the 3 lines into 2..Just a suggestion.
cbrandonj reviewed Version 1 -
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Everything about this piece – not that it isn’t good – seems a little cliché. The subject matter is so common that a piece of this nature requires a flawless deliverance. I think there are some things to be worked on here, although it is a really good piece, but you have to spice it up somehow so it doesn’t get lost in the sea of other love poems.
February 08, 2007
Deleted User
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This poem made me feel young and alive again and I was transported back to the simple beauty of being young and in love. I love it that there is a full circle here and that there is an end which underlines the earlier tenderness. It adds real weight the poem and in some ways, love should be outlined by cynicism.
Wytchcat reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe change the the second line of the second stanza to something like
“Robust with yellow dandelions”
this removes the “and”
The repeat of “I said” is what trips the 3rd stanza. Maybe just ‘putting it under your chin… no yellow reflected off your skin.
newfound reviewed Version 1 -
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ok, first suggestion:
or the whole universe compressed
into the infinitely detailed reflection
of our eyes
- minutely suggests limitations, and the loves you describe, until the end, seems unlimited and without ceiling, thus it would be wise to change this small descriptive aspect
second suggestion:
We lay in the field all green
and yellow with dandelions
- no robust, it clutters and seems uneccessary, especially it seems the wrong adjective, as these same dandelions are easily plucked and then razed in the end…
and third:
and, despite myself, wonder
at how sweet the smell is
of freshly crushed dandelions.
- the seperation of the dandelions is sheer gratuity and melodrama, which i think, while, yes, adding an emphasis that leads the reader to draw conclusions to its importance, it seems a bit contrived and the emphasis just misfires…i would simply conjoin it with the above stanza and let the readers sort it out for themselves…it also would allow for the poem to come to a sort of drawn-down end…
anyways, these are suggestions only…
other than that, i was suprised at how well the poem walked the line between the contrite and the original, balancing all the proverbial things, yet in a way that didnt come across as latent or trite…
good job and good luck
anonymitysucks reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the ending, very far from what i expected while reading the body. although i understand the comparison you’re making here, i think you have more potential…especially with word usage and adjectives. “field all green”...it seems these simple suggestions of color are ubiquitous…reach out there and find your “inner green”, haha. find something else to symbolize it. the lack of punctuation kind of threw me off, but all in all, i liked it, and i especially favored the ending. good write.
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