Poetry / Alone

This poem made me think of a question a friens once asked me. Which was ” Are you single or just lonely. I believe society often confuses the single life with being alone.

Recently I have been a little sad and depressed since splitting up with the first guy I fell for and this has just summed up how i feel, and it sucks big time. My congratulations to you for writing something so pure and human, that needed no more and no less words to describe it. You truly have captured the truth and pain of it all.

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February 13, 2007

by wcpaints

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	66.7% (15 votes)	29.8%

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37	F	Marshall, IL	March 24

Thank you very much!

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The rhythm for this poem is very good.  The rhyming that you do is spot on as well.  My favorite line is “I’m going to be lonely, my heart a locked room” That is such a simple, yet graphic line. I love it!! Unfortunately it’s the only great line there is.  All the other lines are mediocre in comparison.  The poem seems to float in the superficialness of loneliness and doesn’t dig deep to connect to the reader.  I can understand the poem, I just can’t connect with the poem or elicit any feelings from the poem.  Overall, however, this is a good attempt. Keep working on the connection with your readers, because they are the audience whom you want to buy your poetry.

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February 06, 2007

by wcpaints

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37	F	Marshall, IL	March 24

I like that line too but it seems to be the line that most people have told me to change.  
Thanks for the comments!

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I like some of this, but in other parts, the rhyming couplets make it seem too contrived to be read with pleasure. If you could create some more original imagery to explain how you’re feeling, instead of e.g. heart as a “locked room” (which might enable you to show the negativity of the future in a more expressive way than “sadness and gloom” because of not having to rhyme with “room”). I think this could be really good, as it is openly emotive – just not as effectively as i think it could be.
It’s admirable for being fast-paced without losing the reader.
I hope this criticism isn’t kicking you when you’re down (re:love), i’m trying to be helpful.
I like the idea of love being
“fantasy, fiction, lies and much more”.
Good luck with this poem and finding a publisher or agent (and true love).

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February 06, 2007

by wcpaints

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	66.7% (15 votes)	29.8%

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37	F	Marshall, IL	March 24

Thanks for the encouragement.

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Life leaves scars
It’s supposed to … be special and treasured when found
It’s fantasy, fiction, lies and much more. realy like these lines sums up love some much.
Some work on this poem to greater its depth, all is there, change some and you will have a great poem. Wish you well here a 7 score [my first given]

try this out.

My thoughs…...............
plain i have no one to share my pain
my lonley hart locked in a room
filled with gloom such sadness
my feelings now i cant change…

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February 06, 2007

by wcpaints

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	66.7% (15 votes)	29.8%

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37	F	Marshall, IL	March 24

Thanks for your suggestions.  I will try out some new things.

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The rhythm of this poem is surprisingly good for a rhyming poem.  However, it doesn’t dig very deep, it doesn’t move.  
That is the trick to rhyming poems, you have the challenge of a finite number of words to work with with each word you choose, and then to bring true depth into it.
It’s fantasy, fiction, lies and much more
I’ve never found the thing I was looking for

I liked this line best, but the rhythm is a little touch and go also.  

I think this is a decent way to sum up how the perpetually single feel.  And since I am one, I can identify.  I just don’t think it really touched me.  It didn’t make me feel anything and for me that was the biggest problem.  

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February 06, 2007

by wcpaints

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	66.7% (15 votes)	29.8%

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37	F	Marshall, IL	March 24

It is hard to convey things when you’re trying to rhyme.  I was suprised at the way it flowed though.  Thank you for your comments.

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