Journal, Diary, & Blogging / My Own Book of Revelations

My Own Book of Revelations

How can I live in a system that either does not want me to live or consistently make my life a living hell?

if I – while I’m living.

I am conflicted with giving up or living in shame.
I cannot believe that the person that I have become is the same kind of person I have mocked, or prided myself in not being.

At this moment.

I now realize that I was raised to be a proud person; sometimes I was just proud when I didn’t deserve to be. The dilemma stands before me to either kill myself by pursuing what I set out to accomplish in my life’s goals, or retreat into a life provided by the government. Which will keep me just above poverty, and the make up of “city workers”- such as welfare, unemployment, and the dmv are the scum of the earth jobs and would rather not be bothered.

I am conflicted to lose all that I have and all those around me from telling the truth, or lose it all because I didn’t tell the truth.

Speaking my mind, when I am wronged by someone.

Being brought up with morals and values makes for a harder journey in life than not ever being taught or knowledgeable of deciphering right from wrong.

Never having been in a relationship was always my way of surviving, being unattached to emotions and feelings. I would give the best advice to those that were in relationships because nothing would affect me, they were not my final decisions to make.

To not have to be attached to another by the heart was a pitfall awaiting ahead of me, I thought that since I was single I had all the answers, and could predict the outcomes for myself best of all.

Boy was I wrong…

Everything showed me that I did not have control of my own life, and my destiny. And like the helpless and defenseless people that I have counseled, I too became that same way.

Flighty headed by puffs of grandeur and overwhelmed by a love that was not meant for me to have. I was young and immature in some ways, but wise beyond my years due to solitude. To understand the laws of love when I thought I had them down to a science, just proved to be an imaginary turned into reality- knock out.

I. T. Bonet

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