Poetry / The Tijuana Donkey Show (Analysis)

Somebody having some harsh memories of their own personal war on drugs? All around harsh, like a paper cut and slicing onions or some such thing. I personally do not like the / line seperation, but that is of no import. Fun piece in a horribly dark way. The metaphor is solid, putting the ho-hum attitude that America has toward the throes of drug use with the visceral (almost odorous)image of an activity whispered about in dark corners of sleazy bars and on couches of frat houses… an activity America would still cringe at. Though it would probably still cheer if it got put on Springer.

Regardless, the whole thing would be worth it for ” punching judy and slinging stones”... just a great line. As is liking her candy hard.

Pete

That was incredibly confusing.
If it had been spaced appropriately, this poem probably would have made alot more sense.

Loved the last three lines, though.
Gratz on the pro writing.

This is a wonderful first draft. And, you have the emotion in it.  Now, how can you pull it better together.  Sorry, I did not mean to rhyme. In this stanza, “an aculeus burying deep into the tissue”  for aculeus did you mean oculus?  ”tearing at the cartilage” did you mean occular cartilage or heart cartilage?  How is she crushing your will? Perhaps, it is her stiletto (dagger) piecing through your spin to your heart?

I got the idea that she is hardcore with pinata and shot gun. But, is it necessary to use “fuck” so much—just a thought.

Also, I know a lot of men that can’t handle a donkey ride without puking. Hence, how can you convey to me that tijuana is no place for a he-man who is not afraid of his shadow.

I hope this helps.        

well this is a fierce little piece of work. i like the rawness of it, & there are some good lines (“she takes a 12 guage to the pinata”; “blackness is the shadow that occupies the hole”). there are also some clunkers(such as “unilluminated by the moon shine moon pie”). i think it could use a tighter structure, more consistent rhythms. probably a little too rude for “serious” poetry types, at least in its current form( but then i don’t believe agents or editors are truly scouring urbis for anthology fodder anyway, which is why i ranked those criteria so low).

god damn, i forgot how good you were…

she takes a 12 gauge to the pinata because she really likes her candy hard …what an awesome line.

such cadence, brutality, contradiction.

i love it, the way i love bukowski…guilty, dirty pleasure…

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April 27, 2008

by Drake_Lightle

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Thanks.

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I like this poem. I don’t mind the profanity, or the imagery you are evoking. I particularly like metaphors like, “she takes a 12 gauge to the pinata because she really likes her candy hard . this is a raw piece, and statements like that only help to drive your point home. I am curious though, why you chose to divide your “lines” between slashes instead of just using line breaks? My one real critique, is that I think this piece suffers because of that. You should try a version 2 with line breaks instead. You might find that your audience has an easier time reading it.

i like this it is very tongue in cheek im particularly fond of …she doesn’t fuck around, boy / she just fucks ..lol nice
nice depiction you really get a feeling for the air your trying to create here
i also love
/ tijuana isn’t any place for a lady, don’t you know / the street is no place for a man / and she’s no lady

First I’d like to say sorry I’ve been away =p School started bustin my ass so I couldn’t lurk here on urbis like I usually do =p

Moving on.

I liked this. It was very straight forward and seemed a bit bitter maybe. Yet i still liked the brutual truth of this. Good Job ^.

“she doesn’t fuck around, boy / she just fucks…”  Man, does that speak to addiction or what?  I think just about every word in here is in place and powerful… the form is unusual for me, heh, but I think it works here.  Intentional illusion through the lines on the page and the lines on the speaker’s back?  That’s fucking tight, lazer beam tight, and it burns just as hot…

The only thing I would suggest as a change would be to move, ” and she’s no lady.”  Coming at the end is ok, but there’s too much distance, I think, by seperating the lady references with the man.  Plus, I think, “the street is no place for a man” is the epicenter of this poem, the real place of power, so why not end with that?  Leave that as the idea ringing in the reader’s head.

Ok, I lied.  On another read through, I would also attempt a little seperation on, “unilluminated by the moon shine moon pie, you, her pie-eyed fool.”  There’s just a little too much to grasp all of that at once.  How bout something like, “unilluminated by the moon shine moon pie / you, her pie-eyed fool” because your slashes here work as line breaks, a time for the eye to rest and the brain to soak up the line.

Kick ass poem, Drake.  I think the metaphor really works, explaining how we both ride our addiction and, at the same time, our addiction rides us.

An interesting piece but personally, I liked it.
I liked the use of onomatopoeia in the line, ‘the crows are caw caw cawing at me’  and the strength of the lines, ‘she doesn’t fuck around, boy. She just fucks’ this really conveys her as a strong, intimidating character that gets what she wants and isn’t very composed. There is a poignant sadist element to this which is quite inviting, it’s very raw and true.
I’d like to say well done!

One critique that you may or may not take on board, the layout?
It was easy enough to read but quite harsh on the eyes and took a fair bit of concentration (not necessarily on the prose!) That’s all but that’s just me being picky but I thought it might help a little bit!

Thanks,
Ms. Wordsworth