Short Story / I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet will be thwarted.
I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet will be thwarted. Maybe it already has been. I think I saw you on the subway yesterday. I saw you and I thought; ‘we were supposed to meet yesterday on the bus’. You were supposed to sit down next to me, spill your soda on me, and we were supposed to laugh. Make a game of cleaning it up where we touch each other more than necessary. Coincidentally get off the same stop. Get to talking and then there’s a moment where you say, “well ”. Like you feel dumb because we hardly know each other yet we’ve been acting like old friends. And that’s when I realize how amazing you are in every way. And we kiss right there on the street. And it’s a moment we talk about for years later. How we never believed in love at first sight until we met each other.
Instead some fat man got in the way. You were rushing for the bus and he waddled in front of you, you tried to get around him. You spilled the drink you were supposed to spill on my eager lap, on his indifferent shoulder. Then you missed the bus, which had me on it with an empty seat next to me. Oblivious, thinking about something like the texture of raisins or scraping off the chunk of gum on the seat next to me. In fact I’m sure this is what happened.
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Wow. I love it. The abrupt sentence fragment works in the stream of conscious.
Little things, “for years later” could just be “for years.” And no comma after after eager lap. The missing the bus sentence doesn’t flow as well as the rest. How about Then you missed the bus. I had an empty seat next to me, a piece of gum for company. (Obviously your voice, not mine, so you’d get it right.)
The texture of raisins is fabulous. I know this girl is laughing a bit as she thinks about this, sees her reflection in the bus window, sure that she just missed him yesterday.
Good job.
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You know, this is the THIRD fun piece of flash fiction I’ve read today, and also the third I think is god enough that you should search from markets to places that take flash fiction and send them out. One place you could look for places to send this piece is www.duotrope.com, which is free and keeps tabs on all the markets that are out there (well, most of them).
“Make a game of cleaning it up where we touch each other more than necessary.” = probably my favorite line in the whole thing, but honestly, I liked it all.
Anyway, on to some pointers here. I think it’s fun and complete as far as plot and stuff and I don’t think you need to add anything. I did spot some small clean-ups which I think would be worth doing. Here they are:
— I thought; ‘we were supposed = I thought, (and then italicize the thought, which I don’t think urbis lets you do because of their formatting) – we were supposed…
— ”Oblivious, thinking about something like the texture of raisins or scraping off the chunk of gum on the seat next to me.” = I really liked what this sentence has to say. I just think something needs to be clarified. Who’s oblivious? You or the guy who missed the bus? And anyway, I don’t think you’re oblivious, I think it’s the guy, because it sounds like you’re well aware that you missed the opportunity.
Well, that’s it. Not much. Keep writing!
—SG
Hello, this is my first review. I’m not qualified to give anything more than a subjective opinion so take it with a pinch salt, if you know what I mean!
Firstly I liked this a lot. I saw the characters and the settings, the story made sense in a short number of words, and it felt complete. It intrigued me to know whether she was going to go over and say something today, to prove herself wrong that the moment had been thwarted. It left that question hanging and I liked it all the more for that.
And even though you crammed all that into 250 words, I still felt it could be even tighter, perhaps just more rhythmically.
The dream about what would have happened yesterday falters with its punctuation, though I think I know how you want it to sound.
Example
‘Coincidentally get off the same stop.’
This isn’t a complete sentence because there is no subject, so something has gone wrong with the punctuation.
If you can get the rhythm right over this section I think it would build the story to its high point perfectly.
Anyway, I hope this helps you in some way.
Wow…. i really like this… all about missing an opportunity that could have changed out lives… scary to think this could and probably does happen… Love it
I really liked that – it seemed perfectly formed and spoke elequently of a longing we’ve all felt.
I did think there was some clumsiness of language and some inconsistency of narrative. For example, “Coincidentally get off the same stop.” should have an ‘at’ in it; also this is very much a fragment where lines before weren’t – I’d add in the “We were supposed to…” to all the sentances like that, as it thoroughly emphasises the emotion. It also makes it more like how someone would actually say something like this, whereas currently it feels like you’re drifting between realistic speach patterns and a more poetic style of narrative.
Hope that helps – liked the story itself a lot, as I say :).
I really liked this piece it can be so true and poetic Bravo!
I like the concept of this piece, focusing on the accidents that lead to life-changing events. It very cleverly pointed out the role chance and circumstance place in our lives. Well done!
‘Love at first sight’ dreams, with a twist. Interesting premise for a story. It feels a bit too short, though. I would maybe add in another anecdote of possible sightings or meetings that were inopportunely missed to give it a bit more substance.
You’ve got a great start. Keep on writing, I look forward to the seeing what you come up with.
I love the idea you are presenting here. I think it’s a concept that would resonate with many people. It reminds me of that James Blunt song, too. I’d rework the language in a few places, try reading it aloud.
Consider rephrasing “Coincidentally get off the same stop.” Put your punctuation inside your quote marks. Scraping strange gum = yuck. Might try something else there. Enjoyed reading!
I actually like this but it doesn’t really work as a short story because it’s so short and it’s all interior monologue. I like the style of the writing it’s so easy to read and the narrator seems interesting.
Ok tell us what happens next… sometimes what could’ve, shouldn’ve, would’ve happened is so much more interesting that what did or didn’t. Who are these two people? Where do/did they first meet? Describe their surroundings, perhaps the inappropriateness of the background. Add in more sensory details e.g. sounds, sights, smells.
You could even try writing a dual narrative and give us the other person’s point of view.
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