Short Story / I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet will be thwarted.
I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet will be thwarted. Maybe it already has been. I think I saw you on the subway yesterday. I saw you and I thought; ‘we were supposed to meet yesterday on the bus’. You were supposed to sit down next to me, spill your soda on me, and we were supposed to laugh. Make a game of cleaning it up where we touch each other more than necessary. Coincidentally get off the same stop. Get to talking and then there’s a moment where you say, “well ”. Like you feel dumb because we hardly know each other yet we’ve been acting like old friends. And that’s when I realize how amazing you are in every way. And we kiss right there on the street. And it’s a moment we talk about for years later. How we never believed in love at first sight until we met each other.
Instead some fat man got in the way. You were rushing for the bus and he waddled in front of you, you tried to get around him. You spilled the drink you were supposed to spill on my eager lap, on his indifferent shoulder. Then you missed the bus, which had me on it with an empty seat next to me. Oblivious, thinking about something like the texture of raisins or scraping off the chunk of gum on the seat next to me. In fact I’m sure this is what happened.
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I think this is great. It’s almost as though it’s been taken directly out of my inner monologue that I let ramble during any sort of creative composition. As for title suggestions: “Spilt [Milk]”, “Twice Removed” (I like that it’s a memory in a memory), or “Until We M[e]et Each Other”. Well done.
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I don’t beleive in a “one and only” true love or anything like that. I beleive that true love is something that can only be created over time. This story is fun to think about, sounds like they made plans in another life. Maybe that’s the name of this story, something to do with another life, I dunno. The thought of spending an eternity alone, or worse, in the company of someone who will never fully meet your needs, just because there was a warble in the fabric of time, at the very moment you were to meet “the right one,” that caused some fat guy to get in the way and muck it all up. Oooo, that is so awful. That poor guy, that poor girl. I really hate it that their plans were messed up like that. Maybe its called: We met before… mmmm, maybe I’m not helping. I did like it though.
I like this; it has a sort of playful, almost self-deprecating tone that fits well with the would-be thwarted romance. The language gets a little awkward in places, though; it doesn’t flow quite as well as it could. The first sentence, for example, is kind of convoluted, and it’s hard to tell what tense we’re in because the subjunctive “were supposed to meet” is next to the conditional “will be”...so it takes me a moment to understand that the narrator is talking to someone he doesn’t know, about events that haven’t happened yet. I’d axe the first two sentences entirely, and just start with “I think I saw you” and continue on.
I love the rest of the first paragraph. The second section is a little weaker; the sentences are a bit too short and sharp, and it could use some variation in the structure. It also begs the question, if your narrator is oblivious, how is he noticing all this? Why does he care?
In fact, that’s what’s really missing from this, for me—who is this woman, and why does he care? Will he make any future moves on her? Is he obsessing on her more than just this little flight of fancy? You don’t have to state these things explicitly, but there’s really nothing here that gives me any idea at all of what’s going on behind the story, so it doesn’t have the impact it needs.
Wow. You really hit something with this. You can clearly sense the longing in the the narrator’s voice. It is an interesting contradiction to think that something good is destined to happen yet the timing is unknown…usually it is the opposite. I think a good title for this would be something to highlight that…maybe “Fate gone astray” or something like that.
This was great, definitely a worth it read. Kinda reminded me a little of a foreign film I once saw called “Run, Lola, Run” (though only in theme, not so much in story).
As for a title…how about:
“Something Once Meant To Be.”
I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
I’m not good with titles. Actually, I decided to read this story because of its title, which seemed very intriguing.
There’s so much feeling here and the structure is so poetic that I’m tempted to say: leave the title as is. It’s like these old sonnets that are titled by their first line.
Nicely done. I have a couple technical suggestions:
- the word “at” seems to be missing between “off” and “the same stop.”
- instead of a semi-colon, towards the end, I would put a period after “me” and before “oblivious.”
as far as a title goes maybe “What should have been and what is” or maybe “empty bus seat”
The first section is great. The fast paced way you talk of the chance meeting is very nice and makes the story flow.
The only thing I found lacking in this piece was the last sentence. Nice Job overall.
Interesting story. It needs work but kept my attention through out. I did not like the title though..To long and it gives a lot of the tale away.
I think a smoother intro would be “I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet has been thwarted.” Cut out the second sentence. Anyway, as far as the title goes, I actually think it’s pretty interesting, if a bit long. Any other title I tried to think of came off too corny. So I would stick with this title or go with something basic like “Thwarted” or “Our Meeting”. As for the story, I liked it. It’s original in the way that it was written, talking to someone you’ve never met about how you should have met. I think it’s a great introduction to a story if you’re looking to expand it.
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