Short Story / I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet will be thwarted.

I think this is great. It’s almost as though it’s been taken directly out of my inner monologue that I let ramble during any sort of creative composition. As for title suggestions: “Spilt [Milk]”, “Twice Removed” (I like that it’s a memory in a memory), or “Until We M[e]et Each Other”. Well done.

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September 26, 2008

by PiPsucks

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
153	68.0% (25 votes)	30.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	F	Chester, NY	November 15

thanks a lot. I like the title suggestions

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Wow.  I love it.  The abrupt sentence fragment works in the stream of conscious.
Little things, “for years later” could just be “for years.”  And no comma after after eager lap.  The missing the bus sentence doesn’t flow as well as the rest.  How about Then you missed the bus.  I had an empty seat next to me, a piece of gum for company.  (Obviously your voice, not mine, so you’d get it right.)
The texture of raisins is fabulous.  I know this girl is laughing a bit as she thinks about this, sees her reflection in the bus window, sure that she just missed him yesterday.  
Good job.

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February 01, 2007

by Marley

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
12	75.0% (4 votes)	12.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
31	F	Saint Louis, MO	February 09

I think you are right about the stream of consciousness feel about this piece. I don’t know if the writer will open my review, but I would “massage” a few of the  sentences for readability without losing that feeling that you are inside the speaker’s head.

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This was a pleasing read. It was effortless, for the most part. The telling was nicely sequenced.
   One thing I’d have loved is if she had said something more telling than “well” in that moment.  Something that would let us see a little of who she was.  
   The final line about thinking of the raisin or gum is not clear who is doing the thinking.  That sentence doesn’t ‘belong’ to anyone in particular, although it makes sense it would be the narrator’s thought.
   Finally, the title could be condensed somewhat into “A(Our) Meeting Thwarted”...something that doesn’t trail so.  This is quite a sweet story and I believe has mass audience appeal. I am left wishing this is an episode or chapter of a longer story. Thank you for such a well written, playful write.

i feel this way every time i get on the bus.  maybe this is the time the #10 will bring me my soul mate.  nope just an old guy who smells like stale milk.  i really like this and live it weekly when i see someone waiting at the stop across the street, someone going the other way.

I really liked this, but I felt it more poetic and prose.  It was the kind of romantic that I enjoy:  not syrupy, more sparse, light.

I would have liked a clearer explanation of her missing the bus.  I wasn’t sold on her wasting soda on a fat man’s shoulder.  It doesn’t sound likely.

Other than that, a good strong write.

I love this! It’s so surreal, but at the same times feels like almost everyday of my life…like I’m missing something. somthing that should have happened but never did. This could easily be expanded into a longer story. Adding a more discontent to the main character/narrator (which feels very obvious already), along with maybe some more day dreaming about how this should have been coupke would turn out. This could all be contrasted with the reality fo the speakers life. Sorry..this is just a huge ramble! lol. Any way..tons of great detail and images here..one typo though..the period after “well” should be inside the quotation marks. Otherwise this is a really really good piece!

This was great, definitely a worth it read. Kinda reminded me a little of a foreign film I once saw called “Run, Lola, Run” (though only in theme, not so much in story).

As for a title…how about:

“Something Once Meant To Be.”

I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Wow.  You really hit something with this.  You can clearly sense the longing in the the narrator’s voice.  It is an interesting contradiction to think that something good is destined to happen yet the timing is unknown…usually it is the opposite.  I think a good title for this would be something to highlight that…maybe “Fate gone astray” or something like that.

I like this; it has a sort of playful, almost self-deprecating tone that fits well with the would-be thwarted romance.  The language gets a little awkward in places, though; it doesn’t flow quite as well as it could.  The first sentence, for example, is kind of convoluted, and it’s hard to tell what tense we’re in because the subjunctive “were supposed to meet” is next to the conditional “will be”...so it takes me a moment to understand that the narrator is talking to someone he doesn’t know, about events that haven’t happened yet.  I’d axe the first two sentences entirely, and just start with “I think I saw you” and continue on.  

I love the rest of the first paragraph.  The second section is a little weaker; the sentences are a bit too short and sharp, and it could use some variation in the structure.  It also begs the question, if your narrator is oblivious, how is he noticing all this?  Why does he care?  

In fact, that’s what’s really missing from this, for me—who is this woman, and why does he care?  Will he make any future moves on her?  Is he obsessing on her more than just this little flight of fancy?  You don’t have to state these things explicitly, but there’s really nothing here that gives me any idea at all of what’s going on behind the story, so it doesn’t have the impact it needs.

I don’t beleive in a “one and only” true love or anything like that. I beleive that true love is something that can only be created over time. This story is fun to think about, sounds like they made plans in another life. Maybe that’s the name of this story, something to do with another life, I dunno. The thought of spending an eternity alone, or worse, in the company of someone who will never fully meet your needs, just because there was a warble in the fabric of time, at the very moment you were to meet “the right one,” that caused some fat guy to get in the way and muck it all up. Oooo, that is so awful. That poor guy, that poor girl. I really hate it that their plans were messed up like that. Maybe its called: We met before… mmmm, maybe I’m not helping. I did like it though.