Short Story / I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet will be thwarted.

Hello, this is my first review. I’m not qualified to give anything more than a subjective opinion  so take it with a pinch salt, if you know what I mean!

Firstly I liked this a lot.  I saw the characters and the settings, the story made sense in a short number of words, and it felt complete.  It intrigued me to know whether she was going to go over and say something today, to prove herself wrong that the moment had been thwarted. It left that question hanging and I liked it all the more for that.
And even though you crammed all that into 250 words, I still felt it could be even tighter, perhaps just more rhythmically.

The dream about what would have happened yesterday falters with its punctuation, though I think I know how you want it to sound.

Example

‘Coincidentally get off the same stop.’

This isn’t a complete sentence because there is no subject, so something has gone wrong with the punctuation.

If you can get the rhythm right over this section I think it would build the story to its high point perfectly.

Anyway, I hope this helps you in some way.

This is interesting, and nicely worded, but I think the title kills it for me. Not only is it too long, but it’s the same line as the first line of your story. It says “I couldn’t think of a title.”
Other than that I enjoyed reading this.

I really enjoyed this little piece. It was concise and quirky. It had a great tone of resignation to the mundane at the ending.

I have a problem with the first sentence – the sense that the moment, rather than the actors are thwarted.

`...fear(,)...’ `...meet(,)we will…’

This would upset next sentence. Perhaps `Maybe the moment has passed already.’

raisins(,)

This has been well written. Good luck.

The first section is great. The fast paced way you talk of the chance meeting is very nice and makes the story flow.
The only thing I found lacking in this piece was the last sentence. Nice Job overall.

Wow.  I love it.  The abrupt sentence fragment works in the stream of conscious.
Little things, “for years later” could just be “for years.”  And no comma after after eager lap.  The missing the bus sentence doesn’t flow as well as the rest.  How about Then you missed the bus.  I had an empty seat next to me, a piece of gum for company.  (Obviously your voice, not mine, so you’d get it right.)
The texture of raisins is fabulous.  I know this girl is laughing a bit as she thinks about this, sees her reflection in the bus window, sure that she just missed him yesterday.  
Good job.

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February 01, 2007

by Marley

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31	F	Saint Louis, MO	February 09

I think you are right about the stream of consciousness feel about this piece. I don’t know if the writer will open my review, but I would “massage” a few of the  sentences for readability without losing that feeling that you are inside the speaker’s head.

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I like this. The only comment is about the use of the word in fact. Everything is fact, so to speak, but possibly this isn’t fact, because it never happened.

Maybe something like The Moment, or the Lost Moment.

Goodluck with it.

Well I think it’s a fairly well written story.  There are some grammatical errors here and there, and I think this could be expanded on just a little more.  Otherwise don’t worry about it, and just live your life and wait for the moment that WILL come.

Your grammar here is really in need of work. You have sentence fragments and semicolons where there needs to be commas and periods after fragments that haven’t either a subject or verb in them. You have to have a noun/verb combination or the sentence doesn’t work. The spelling seems to be okay though. See if you have a grammar check on your computer. Story line is okay other than that.

Interesting story. It needs work but kept my attention through out. I did not like the title though..To long and it gives a lot of the tale away.

I think a smoother intro would be “I have this great fear that the moment we were supposed to meet has been thwarted.”  Cut out the second sentence.  Anyway, as far as the title goes, I actually think it’s pretty interesting, if a bit long.  Any other title I tried to think of came off too corny.  So I would stick with this title or go with something basic like “Thwarted” or “Our Meeting”.  As for the story, I liked it.  It’s original in the way that it was written, talking to someone you’ve never met about how you should have met.  I think it’s a great introduction to a story if you’re looking to expand it.