That’s a tough question to answer. The truth is, I don’t know for sure what all comprises sexuality, and I think anyone who claims that they do is lying or a fool.
For instance, scientists have observed homosexual behavior in over 300 vertebrate species, which would suggest that sexuality is less a learned behavior than an innate fact of one’s existence. On the other hand, it has been my experience that many in the gay community, particularly men, were victims of childhood sexual abuse, which would argue for it being a “learned” behavior. I have no easy answer that would cover all instances for the simple reason that we are all individuals, with distinctive life experiences, which means that the truth is very likely somewhere in between, and different for everyone.
Non-fiction / Getting N'Sync With The Truth: An Open Letter To Lance Bass
I read with interest your interview in People Magazine, in which you admitted that you’re gay. I applaud your decision, and I know it wasn’t easy to make. As I’m sure you know, your experience is mirrored in most of us who’ve made the choice to “come out.” For that reason, you have both the public and private support of uncounted millions in this country and around the world who know what you’re going through.
Growing up, I struggled for years with the knowledge that I was very different from other boys. I remember all-too-well the sense of isolation that comes with this reality of ours. The feeling of being forever divided from everyone, of being cast out into a place where love is impossible and intimacy is wrong.
I remember the years of fear. Fear of being discovered by friends, of what they would say or do when they realized what I was. Fear of the pain I would cause my family if this were ever known. Fear of Hell. Fear of the desolate landscape of pretense to which I was banished.
I know the anger and resentment that come from feeling compelled to live a lie, and the guilt that comes with feeling that way toward those we wish to protect. I know the shame of my existence being antithetical to all I was ever taught about God’s Will.
I know how you felt the day you decided hiding was no longer an option. I know that feeling of something weighing on the bottom of your stomach, like it’s trying to push you to your knees from the inside. I know the sudden tightness in your throat, and the quickened pulse the first time you said the words “I’m gay” out loud to another person. (Wasn’t it strange how few people were surprised? I thought it was.) I know the sense of relief you felt when you did it, a feeling more potent than any drug. The whole world looked different, sharper and more real afterwards. I know you’d never trade the feeling you’ve had since then for anything. Your sense of proportion about others’ opinions on this subject has returned, and your opinion takes its proper place at the front of the line. I know you wouldn’t go back even if you could.
I know what it means to choose to live honestly, and to accept the consequences of that choice because it’s better to be hated for the truth than to be loved for lies. Those who would abandon you over this are, quite frankly, not worth the effort to keep.
I know the feelings you’ve admitted to everyone. I know the feelings you haven’t admitted to anyone. I know the feelings you’re ashamed to admit to yourself.
So does your boyfriend.
So does any openly gay man.
You’re not alone.
It’s good you’ve chosen to jettison the obviously unworkable tenets of an imperfect faith. You’ve realized Christianity has been hijacked by those who are irrational and impious, and while Christ called his followers to love, he never mentioned homosexuality. In your own words, you know what you believe. Hold on to that.
One of your worries about coming out was the sort of problems it may cause your parents, who live in a small Mississippi town. I think they’ll come around with time. They raised you with a moral code, and will see that you’re still living by it. But do try to resolve that. Your parents are still alive; all I can do for my parents is stand next to their graves with my regrets about not being able to have an honest relationship with them.
You said you have no intention of being an activist in the gay community. Good. There are enough of those already. In that regard, you don’t owe anything to anyone. Your life is an end unto itself, not a means to an end for others. But when you said you won’t be a leader, you’re wrong. Your celebrity guarantees you’ll be one whether you want to be or not. All you should do about that is what you’ve been doing all along. Continue to live a decent and moral life, a life worthy of emulation. You owe that to yourself; that it’s also good in the eyes of others is just icing on the cake.
You took an admirable stand when you were asked if you were gay, and you said, “No, I’m also gay.” Don’t let this one aspect of your life define you. I think it’s unfortunate so many have done exactly that. They miss out on the richness of a life not so narrowly lived.
You’re a good person. You’ve lived for others at the cost of your own happiness long enough. Now, take that man by the hand and go live for yourself. You’ve earned that right.
I’ll keep a good thought for you.
Sincerely
Ben
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Very nicely done. The pathos was almost palpable. The third to last paragraph, beginning with “You took an admirable stand. . .” is a great point and one that is rarely made.
- add/view comments (0)
Great piece of writing. Would add some details if you could about you’re life. I know how you feel for I am a lesbian myself. Tell us what the people look like? How did they meet? What were the reactions of the parents and people? It is not easy to tell.
thanks for writing this piece and good luck
As an old N’SYNC fan from way back in the day (okay, back in the nineties) I started reading this with a bit of trepidation. Though the boys have gone their separate ways, I’m still a bit protective. But I wanted to thank you. For being open-minded. Not necessarily for this particular letter but in general, for being a good and decent human being. There are so very few of those.
Also, quite well-written and to-the-point.
Superb! I offer no critique…only praise. I admire your honesty and compassion. You are healthy, sincere and open. Your message went beyond my mind and touched my soul. I am straight but love my gay friends dearly. I’ve seen their struggle but, unlike you, I cannot at any point say “I know” how they truly feel about any of it. I believe with everything in me that you are loved and valued by my God. This eloquent expression is inspiring and I have no doubt it will help heal people.
A compelling read. Very honest. It makes me feel like I know (as much as anyone can know another person) you or probably more accurately I empathize with you.
I’m in the process of writing a screenplay dealing with themes about sexuality and gender, specifically transexuality and gayness. This doesn’t necessarily apply to this piece but I have to ask. When I was in school taking a behavioral psychology class I was appalled to learn of an experimental treatment done on a male transsexual (he had not had surgery to become a female) which cured him of his desire to be a woman. Initially he felt that he was born in the wrong body that he was a woman stuck in a man’s body and then all that changed after his treatment. My behavioral psychology teacher went on to say that all sexuality gay or otherwise was learned and not innate and therefore it could be unlearned. I’ve always believed people when they say they were born gay or born in the wrong body. Do you think those are just feelings that can be “cured” like the person in my psychology book?
nice. can tell you admire what he did. i think, and amybe it was on purpose, you start almost every sentace with I or YOU and it gets kind of annoying. i think the so does your… works well. good Job!
Not being gay I read this with interest. I have had several gay or lesbian friends over the years and we all know and respect our individual sexuality and preferences.
Your open letter was well writen and I think you hit all the points of what your life has been like and what Lance’s life will be like, no matter if he wants to be a leader or not.
Even for staight celebrity’s, younger people look up to them even if they do not want them too.
Your letter was well expressed.
Nick.
I find no flaws in how you write or what you write about. You have done a service to many who are unable to articulate there emotions on a sensitive subject. In this day and age having to worry about the wrath of people bigotry basted in some irrational belief is beyond me. When you wrote that the parents will come around. That is a hopeful way of looking at the situation. Society is becoming to except same sex partners (I hate that term) as part of the norm. Many my age and younger are brought up this is just a part of life. You can be with whom you love. Your writing is excellent. You write for the people in an easy to follow style. Not talking down but allowing in.
This is a really strong message and although at first it felt quite distant (the formality of the opening – though clearly suited to the context)as you began to relate your own experience it became incredibly warm and positive. It’s great to see you’ve posted it in other places, I feel this letter could mean loads to people in a similar position. Really well thought out, clear and passionate.
This is well written, concise without being clipped. Having come through the coming out process myself, I’ve walked the “desolate landscape of pretense” and that phrase alone secured my comittment to finishing this piece.
I have often wondered, however, why letters are called “open.” Isn’t a letter a letter?
Showing 1 - 10 of 12
Next →
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
