Yes, a few people have said similar.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Hale
Hale slid the blade between the man’s ribs, feeling the soft tension of his lungs as they first resisted, and then, with a sickening squelch, burst open. Air escaped, blowing bubbles into the blood that ran down the blade and onto her hand.
The man struggled, and she instinctively applied more force to the hand that covered his mouth, pulling his head back towards hers, bringing his ear level with her mouth. He tried to scream, but it was a futile effort, what little air was left in his lungs was simply pushed out through the puncture, instead of past his vocal chords.
“There, there,” she whispered to him, softly, gently. “It will all be over soon.”
The man began to panic, his chest pumping wildly as he tried to draw another breath – just one last breath, but Hale felt only a slight prickle of air on her fingers from his nose. Instead, the convulsions merely sucked and bubbled air ineffectually from the wound in his lower back, spattering more blood over her hand and hastening the flow of the thick red fluid into his chest cavity, speeding the collapse of his lung.
He began to claw at the hand that covered his mouth, hopping to free himself and draw breath oncee more, but her grip held firm. His strength began to fail him, and his hands flopped away.
“Shhhhh,” she said to him, relaxing her grip slightly. It would not be long now, and she felt his whole body relax, coming to the inevitable conclusion that there was no hope of survival.
He twisted his head slightly to look at his assassin, and she let me. His eyes were full of panic and terror, but she held his gaze. She watched him, his eyes, the glimmer fading as his life drained away. He passed into unconsciousness and then, suddenly, almost unexpectedly, his pupils dilated, taking the last spark of his life with them.
Her grip changed, her arms drawing around his body into a hug and she pushed her face against the side of his head, feeling his rough stubble on her cheek. A tear rolled gently down her face and she closed her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she said, sobbing.
Hale got out of bed, leaving the man in a pool of ever expanding blood, colouring the white sheets a deeper and deeper shade of crimson; padded across to the table. She picked up her mobile and dialled her contact.
“It is done?” a distorted voice from the other end enquired.
“He is dead,” she said, wiping the last of the tears away.
“Good.” The line went dead and Hale put the small phone back on the table. It was smeared with blood. His blood. The blood of his last breath. Her husband’s last dying moment had been at her hands. She began to cry again, crumpling to the floor.
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bbillycurtis reviewed Version 1 -
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This is more graphic than I usually go for.
At one part, you wrote: she let me.
Did you mean she let him?
Thanks for the read.
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darkdescent reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this story. The descriptions of the mortal wound and its effects on the man’s body are very well done. Nice twist at the end, but not entirely unexpected. I would like to see this expanded into a longer story.
icuixl reviewed Version 1 -
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My God! Harrowing! I’ve often wondered what it would be like to write a piece where someone being stabbed. I’ve thought, how can you write about something you’ve never experienced before? Is being stabbed something you’ve experienced or did you research it (i.e. asked someone who has been).
A great mystery you’re developing. Up until this point the murder is very disturbing and sad. I’m not sure who I should really feel sorry for the husband, the wife or the person with the distorted voice. What is the wife’s reason for killing her husband? Did her husband drive her to it? Has the person with the distorted voice, who is obviously involved in the murder, had something bad done to him/her by the husband? In which case it would explain why he/she would conspire with the wife to murder the husband. So many questions/possibilities but no certain answers.
Definitely keep me posted please,
Damian
Gustible reviewed Version 1 -
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Unless you add some motivation as to why she kills her husband, the story does not really come together – just the fact of a surprise revelation at the end is not enough. Is this part of something bigger ?
This sentence is not correct:
“He twisted his head slightly to look at his assassin, and she let me” – should be ”..she let him”.
GeorgiaIreland reviewed Version 1 -
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Why did she murder her husband?? and was that her lover on the other end of the phone? Surely you are not done with this little tale yet?
dalost1 reviewed Version 1 -
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This holds a unique feel to this story. Its calm, but not hurried, strong, but not overwhelming.
The final twist comes as a surprise, but with the budget of words a microfiction offers, it may be difficult to add more to bring it out.
Structurally, it is sound from my stand point. I can point out a few punctuation issues that might improve the read, but will avoid the grammar corrections as requested.
Overall, I might suggest adding a frame work of color or some other symbol that runs through the entire piece to show contrast or pull it deeper into the reader.
Good piece. Keep writing.
brayth reviewed Version 1 -
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I like where your story seems to be going. It’s interesting from the start and the descriptions are well done. I hope you have more so you can develop the character and gives us some backstory. Well done.
M_Shay reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice, The story is nice and compact, it’s basic elements create the right atmosphere. At the end however, I found myself not sympathizising with the charater as much as I should have. The whole ordeal should have been heart wrenching, but when I find out it’s her husband, I just sort of thought, oh that sucks. considering her reaction I assume that the sorrow and sort of backwards nature of killing someone you love is the angle you were going for.
Perhpas if you had started with her lying in bed, thinking it over in her head, maybe she gets a little intimate with him before the actual kill. I think all this can be acheived without revealing that the mark is her husband, and it would really make the whole thing a bit more shocking, a bit more severe.
I like the fact that it leaves the reader to decipher alot of the information and make the story sort of their own, kudos on that. Overall I found it very enjoyable, and a nice quick read, I think a little more content could produce a lot more emotion, and make it stick with the reader a bit more.
JoeMonsterxx25 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nicely descriptive and oddly touching. The ending makes you wonder just who made Hale do such a terrible deed and why, but in my opinion the ending is excellent in its ambiguity (sp?). You have a true knack in the art of descripting… I had to grab my chest a few times as you described the husband’s death in such vivid detail. Despit all its gruesomeness, the ending did make me feel pity towards Hale. Bravo, fellow writer.
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