Thank you, Eve.
Poetry / do ya kin?
Do ya kin?
A tale of two brothers,
As told by another.
Beaten and broken,
Lives gave as tokens.
In all their simplicity,
Ill grant them no pity.
For one stood so tall,
The other stood near,
Gave up their freedom,
And now live in fear.
The older, the younger,
Burning with hunger,
Rose up to meet him,
With a clap as of thunder.
In stories of old,
One seemed so bold,
The other was frightened,
Always out in the cold.
When mother and father,
Claimed why even bother?
Son walked alone,
On ground not well trodden.
With one eye askew,
His items a few,
His head bowed sharply,
The cold wind that blew.
“To the end of the lands he cries!”
As fire danced upon the sky.
Kills as he travels,
His mind does unravel,
Like the servants,
To the tower of Babel.
His beard long and ragged,
His teeth are but jagged,
He’ll take one last breath,
Before they can have it.
Cast out in the open,
His life seems so hopeless,
He fears his own demons,
Who’ve now been awoken.
Understanding he lacks,
Yet knows he can’t go back,
To be beaten with sticks,
While trapped in a sack.
Never wanted so much,
Of things never gave,
Family crest in his clutch,
As he lay in his grave.
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Lillie_M reviewed Version 1 -
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I definately like the speed of this poem, it read extremely well. Each verse flowing straight into the next.
Your correct this is an age old tale, the one of families and siblings. But I think you’ve told it in a different less predictable way.
Personally I enjoyed the last verse most of all. To me it spoke of the way it becomes acceptable to treat people because they are you blood or your kin. That regardless of the way he was treated, he still took a piece of his family to his grave. I think it reminds me that the majority of people still believe ‘Blood is thicker than water’.
I see it as showing the complexity of the family or kin relationship and the acts that are committed – right or wrong – because of them.
Really good piece.
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RonnieTaylor reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this poem, it has nice Rhythm.
_penxEvexDamon_ reviewed Version 1 -
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“Kills as he travels,
His mind does unravel,
Like the servants,
To the tower of Babel.”
“like the servants” in this stanza doesnt seem to fit with the flow of the poem. Now that that’s out of the way, let me just say that I loved it. The way it’s written mostly just flows off the tongue. You really expressed what was happening to give the feel of being inside of the brother’s head. Good work. -Eve
LMPATE reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting storyline. Only issue is that the rhyming was sporatic and not in sync so it tended to throw the reading of it off. I think this may have had more impact as a free verse.
longing_4_the_calming reviewed Version 1 -
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I really felt this piece. The picture in my mind was easily painted. I didnt have to re-read any lines or feel that there were a lot of run on thoughts. I felt emotion from the first line to the last…well written!
dbear22 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this, I could picture the story as it played out as a man battling his demons while the world cast him out. very nice
LyriqueTragedy reviewed Version 1 -
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Anyone who has a sibling who is successful, or a close relative who isn’t, understands the pain of the second brother in your poem.
I particularly like the last stanza, and think the fact that he dies with his family crest in his hands wraps up the sadness of his existance. It reminds me of the last stanza of Tennyson’s “The Lady of Shalott” when the idol of her demise claims she has a pretty face. It’s the focus on treating others well, and paying attention to them regardless of what their choices are.
In terms of mechanics, the second stanza breaks down when the rhyme scheme is stopped. This poem might profit by sticking strongly to the scheme you set out and using clever ending words.
raindragon16 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m confused about the meaning of this poem. Is it a story about an abusive family? It seems that way, but the motive is unclear.
I get the idea that the parents don’t care about their children’s suffering in the world, and all the children have is eachother to protect them from it.
Then it mentions one brother, where did the other go? Was he killed? So the one walks alone and eventually dies at the hands of the world or his parents?
Very confusing, I would consider going deeper into the characters emotions until it almost breaks you. Because if you can’t write something that makes you want to cry, die, or crumble in pain, it’s not worth it.
SIM reviewed Version 1 -
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I really didn’t get into the flow of this piece at all, but I will say the final stanza is great! I’m sorry I can’t be more help with this, this style of poetry is kind of dated and the religious refrences, Christian ones, kind of missed me as I’ve been away from Americans for a very long time.
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