Non-fiction / Release

Man, I felt your story! I am white and have always felt an seen your struggle and fear. It just ain’t right to have your person driven to despair. This was really a great,great piece. Hang in there my brother-demons are always right around the corner.

As non-fiction, I don’t think this works. However, as poetry, lyrics, or a criticism piece, very good.

You speak your message clearly and with rhythm. A couple criticisms:  you use display twice in two lines – synonym or a metaphor to avoid repetition. Museum, black, fuck, us all have the same issue.

Great start!

This has some great word play, but the end drops off… the Matrix just really blows the power.  Also, the rhyming is inconsistent, and I think rhyming actually works in this piece, as it is very powerful read aloud.  As a lesbian in my own struggle for acceptance, civil rights will never be a topic that is played out.  Continue your openness.  This is  poem though.

Why are so many words in “quotation marks”? It doesn’t seem at all necessary. I’m interested to know why you characterize the judicial system as gay. What’s the purpose of this? Which museum are you talking about? Why isn’t this under poetry?

Of course a white person doesn’t really have the right to speak about your pain, but I understand your struggle for respect. I live in another country and am constantly the other, the foreigner.

typo? a small portion of Piece.

My turn. Did you mean ‘gats’ in line 5? The word must be used loosely these days. Al Capone used a gat, and that was ages ago. Lose the quotes, your flow is enough to carry it, with necessary emphasis, without them. I was a little lost on the line “To see our Ancestors “shit” we have to to pay”. I don’t know if that needs to be fixed or if I’m just ignorant this morning. I’m white and I know Whites have an awful lot of Shit to pay for our ancestors (may history NEVER repeat itself – we’ve come so far.)Also, I’m not a fan of pop-culture references but I think you should keep the Matrix part because it sums up a whole concept in two words.  

this is good because it is passionate and I can tell it comes from your heart and your real experience.  alot of people try to write poems on this subject because it is a serious topic and it needs to be addressed, but most of the time they are not writing from personal experience, which makes their poem unoriginal.  This is original.
With that said, here are my suggestions for change:

1.  i think you should take everything out of quotations.  
2.  i would strongly suggest you stop using the word fag as an insult.  if your struggle is for peace, and to be treated like an equal – then you should grant others the same courtesy.  saying the word fag to mean someone is an asshole is a form of cultural intolerance, and it goes against your poem.
3.  You should end the poem with “I aint even a racist.”  the four lines that come after that are not very powerful and that one is.  

nice write.

I liked this piece. I’m sure you’ll get a release when you finish the delayed entry program but that is in the future. For now it’s just a matter of “yes, sir and no, sir” which used to irk the shit out of me. I remember one time when I got busted for jaywalking and wound up doing 30 days in county because I told the judge it was a bunch of shit. His domain. My mistake. We learn, we grow, we materialize and then we know. I feel like I’ve done my time and paid my dues but I fell ancient now (I’m only 56) but I read a lot and that has helped me to get rid of most of my anger. I still stand up but only when it’s necessary. I envy you. You have your whole life ahead of you. New experiences will come and a new you will evolve and won’t that be something to watch. Hang in there. Best wishes, all you really need is love, John

I like the rhythm.  The cursing seems, not so much out of place as forced.

I like this, Now we send out prayers for God to Uplift us.
We are the “Blood Diamonds”, and this is the Conflict.
To help with the Pain, we say our struggle is God sent.
Trials sent from “The Father”, because he Loves us

It explains the strong foundation between the community and the church.

I don’t understand the locking up your culture, making you pay to see it? I didn’t get the impression you were talking about Native American struggles.

I agree with the sentiment of this poem, but it’s all cultures, hues. The judicial system is broken.

Good Job.

This is full of a type of anger and sadness that I can’t relate to, but I really like this. Rich white people make me nervous too so I liked that line a lot. I didn’t understand why you put a lot of the words in quotation marks. I’d like to read more of your stuff.

I like this one very much.  I think it captures a widely held feeling of many people.  There are some great lines, just about every line is packed with power and passion.  Some of my favorites are:
Everybody you see on the block, dont sell rocks.
So we run, then they trip us.
AND
Why does a room full of “Rich” white people make me nervous?
I hate this; I ain’t even Racist.
Nice work!