Children's / The One in the Woods

What age group are you aiming this for?  I read it to myself and thought that it had grown up thoughts, but it wasn’t very entertaining.  I can’t imagine that a young child would be thrilled to read it.  You have a ton of interesting ideas, but I don’t know that interesting for me is interesting to a child at bedtime.  Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it doesn’t.  I’d prefer consistency one way or the other.

“His wiry hair becomes tangled with leaves as he combs through the alder trees.
He uses nettles as itching powder… ferns will have grown.”  This whole piece is boring and extremely dry for a young child.  I have a 7 year old that I read this excerpt to.  I asked her what she thought of it.  She said she thought it was kind of good.  I told her I didn’t write it and she said, “Well then it stinks.  It wasn’t very funny.  It was boring.  What’s a nettle?”  She got off my lap and wasn’t interested in the rest of the story.  

I’m sorry, but if she’s your target audience, it fails.  Maybe you’re aiming toward 12 year olds, but they don’t read bedtime stories.  

My suggestion?  Dumb it down and make it rhyme more.  If you want a kid to choose your story for their mom or dad to read at bedtime, make it funny, enjoyable and colorful.

Good luck

i loved it. i like the way it secludes adults, makes the man in the wood only unique & enjoyed by children. & the description is very imaginative & interesting. caught my attention at the very beginning & held it all the way through. i can definatley picture in my mind the illistrations.

Overall, nice.
He is so shy, so finding him  You should not use “so” twice in the same line.  
You have a description but no plot.  I think your imagery is compelling, but in a “story” something needs to happen.

I think you have a very cute idea for a story but it wasn’t easy to read. The flow was off.

I really like this little story. Why? Well, I will tell you! It is just the sort of story that could easily become one of those childhood legends. A story you tell to your child and every time you go to the woods, the child will search for the One in the Wood. One of those stories where, even when you are all grown up, you will think of it as you walk that seldom walk in between the trees. Yes, all in all, this is a keeper. This could easily be a golden childhood treasure to anyone who hears it. Well done!

I really enjoyed this read! I loved the whole idea of “The one in the woods.” There were good word choices and this really helped a good flow in the poem. I really enjoyed your idea and could see the entire scenes playing in my head. I could see the woods and everything else happening. This is the type of poetry I would love to read more often because it stands out with originality. I hope you continue to write more poetry because I would love to read more! Hope to read more soon but in the meantime, keep up the great work!

I think overall it flows nicely. I could see the pictures as I was reading it. You may want to be careful that the words aren’t too high of a level for little ones reading it.

I enjoyed this, but I think that the flow could be improved.  It feels a bit choppy when you read it.  Changing the wording in a few of the lines could help with this.  For example:
“whose laughter is like bird sounds.”
could be
“whose laughter sounds like birds”

and
“Don’t mistake his bed for a deer’s bed
trampled down for the night.”
could be
“His bed looks like a deer’s
trampled down for the night.”

I can see this illustrated, especially at the end if the One in the Woods is part of the picture with the adults walking by oblivious to him.

Do squirrels chirp? I grew up with squirrels and don’t remember them making much sound at all.

Words for the seasons: fall, autumn (are not capitalized)

I love the subject matter, but you move in and out of rhyming couplets. IE- if we start from the bottom going up….
trees – sees
snails – trails
ferns-turns
busy-time?

This could be good with or without the rhymes, but I would suggest making a choice one way or another.