Poetry / Eager

i like the quiet your mouth.
i am assuming that is what is meant here.
sounds like a grandma shushing you.

i think you could do away with the word contemporary altogether.

i like the inner dialog feel to it.
keep writing!
sheri

This is an interesting poem on an interesting premise. The internal dialogue is pretty well written. I like the first stanza a lot. It grabbed my attention and made me want to read on.

In the second stanza the piece of glass seems artificial with the “you once gave me” part. A gift – of a thing? – from the Id? Perhaps I show my ignorance, or I’m too literal.

“Quite” your mouth doesn’t work. A child – an American child – would never say “quite your mouth” so it doesn’t occur to your reader what your intention is. In your head when you write it, it may work as a devise, but on paper it only comes across as an error and it distracts from the message of the work.

I also question the “and/or”. I found it out of place. If the behavior of the Id depends on the weather, then the word is “or”.

Like another reviewer, I like the 4th stanza. It almost stands alone (although it certainly doesn’t need to, because it fits here very well.)

Overall, I find this a thoughtful and interesting piece.

i really liked this piece, i think it had some great ideas and a nice concept behind it.

a couple of things:

firstly, you need to proof-read your work before posting and/or submitting. it’s not enough to run a spell check through something, you need to read it carefully or get a third party to read it.

third line: a horrible decision, i KNOW
eighth line: quite your mouth? not sure what you’re trying to say here, but it doesn’t make sense as is.

i’d read up a little on line breaks if i were you. this is a good piece but the flow is disrupted by your punctuating the end of every line. don’t be scared of enjambment, it really is your friend.

your second last stanza is my favourite. it has some really great concepts in there.

thanks for the read, i enjoyed it.

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November 29, 2005

by anniedogg

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22	F	Hawthorne, CA	April 16

um, thanks. But “quite your mouth” is meant to sound childish and I can see where your coming from about my puntuation, a little too much. Will fix…thanks again.

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This piece is ok at best. Very bland in nature, it never really grabs me. I feel like its redundant for some reason. Probably because its a discussion amongst well one person which was intriguing at first but lost its sense when it was left all open as if saying “Oh well thats life.” Whats the real focus here? describe for me these transformations in a more illustrative way. Other than that..honest attempt…keep at it.