Poetry / Rape of the Sabine Women Part II (Senatvs Romanvs)

This hellish entertainment I’ve relived,
carelessly obtained, negates sadistic torture absolute, needless torment
driven recklessly about, born blind, lame, exsanguinated
invalid.  Suicide
derives redemption in vindication, insanity nears greatness.
Meandering ecstacy,
totally opens wandering apathy rendering death success.
Sweet lechery invokes treachery, tasting incestuous nocturnal gestalt.
Thrashing heretics enter irrational rituals,
threatening healthy rapists over acrid testaments, spinning
witlessly, invoking tireless hatered
and
rapture, understanding sex teaches youths
knavery, narcisscism, interpreting fornication explicitivly,
masturbation, and knowledge explaining
intricitly tense
sensations.  Tirelessly overpowering pain,
intense
capitolization above nightly taking
turns avoiding kings’ excitement
involving taxing
all nonexistant yearning.
Mastering over reinvention exercises
involving
falsely entered accusations relating
from overreactions, rabbles
throw hysteria enveloped in rapture
lifelessly into vortexes.  Ever spending
against nothing deserved,
men interpret nature endlessly

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oknapp avatar General Stranger

April 23, 2009

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

threatening healthy rapists..” i find this a very odd simile. Could you find another word to replace “healthy? Healthy” doesn’t seeem to fit with any of the rather twisted images you present to the reader.
  Your definitions are very striking, bold and evocative.You are very good at self-expression.

Should suicide be on the next line?

This poem has some structural problems that makes it hard to read. I have no trouble with the images, however, i believe it would work beter if it were put into stanzas so that the reader could see each definition. It reminds me of how Milton wrote his great poem “Paradise lost.” I would work on the structure to bring out the depth of this piece. Overall, A very fine piece of work. Sandi

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astagorre

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