Poetry / Sugar

I think this is excellent.  You do an excellent job of letting the imagery tell the story and persuade the tone of your story, especially in instances like this: “Over the expanse of fine maple dining table
With lace creeping down the sides, tickling thighs.”  Or, “When I was your age…
Things were sweet
Powdered sugar dusted Jersey streets,” these are moments where the door to the meaning of your piece open to the reader, the reader can take part in your experience.  If you are writing like this at age 19, I am excited to see what the next five years will bring.  This is quite impressive.  
My only suggestion or criticism is that maybe the melting like sugar is a teency bit overdone by mentioning it twice at the end in such close succession.  But this could just be my morning coffee talking.  Anyway, I love it.  Great work.  Thanks for posting—your writing voice shows a lot of insight.  Good rhythym too.

The repetition of baby was distracting at first, until I realised it was an actual child. I love some of the wordings in this

“Eighteen years ago you were a question.”  - powerful phrase.

Tears rolling down cheeks is a bit cliche. I think you could do that up a litlte better.

And hurray for Jersey streets ;)

OH YUM. This is absolutely delicious. I adore this poem. The image that you carry through the first few verses of the woman at the table is just wonderful.
“We didn’t know how young and dumb
We didn’t know how we could be” – that’s great. I expected you to state this tritely and you totally didn’t. Good job.
“‘Cause Young and Dumb can’t be Dad and Mom” = awesome line.
“Maybe they laid me out in a paper dress
And let you melt like sugar on my tongue.” = melt like sugar on my tongue is such an incredible line, such an image. i can taste it, feel it.
Great job

WOW this is a very very strong poem I love it. It just makes you want to clutch your heart and let out startled sighs. I read this to my English teacher and she just gasped, she loved it so much. Perfect way to make the flow, so sad and beautiful at the same time…amazing work, probably the best thing I have ever read from a teenager! (well sort of a teenager, I guess your considered an adult now, but I want to claim you for our generation lol) Simply brilliant. I can’t wait to read more!

~kar

• add/view comments (1)

October 19, 2005

by CynicalSugar

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
48	100.0% (22 votes)	25.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22			May 21

Pyragus -

you read this to your english teacher? lol, very cool…  Thank you muchly, I’m flattered.  (> ’-’)>

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Powerful poem!  I especially like the lines, “Fist pressed against my trembling mouth,” and “Cause Young and Dumb can’t be Dad and Mom.”  Great imagery/voice in those lines.

The stanza that begins, “You came to me,” however, doesn’t feel as eloquent as the rest of the poem.  I know it’s meant to be harsher, a jolt into reality from her candy-coated fantasy, but your imagery in that stanza just doesn’t live up to the rest of the poem.

This is so eloquent, like viewing a scene through a fine laced silk curtain. I read through it several times and even I still feel there is more to learn if I were to come to it again later.

If I may add one small comment:
Do not use “Jersey streetsâ€?. I know what you mean to convey, being from that area of the country, but it regionalizes the poem. This poem belongs to the whole country.  Use a more ubiquitous slimily.

• add/view comments (1)

October 12, 2005

by pianolegs

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
4	0.0% (0 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24			May 21

First off, thanks for the good review. I thought I’d return the favour. What I like most about this piece is the push and pull, the give and the take, and the overriding maybe. The voice is great- strong and conflicted. The repitition of “baby” would have been too much- but you wove it in so well that is strengthened the piece. The result is something beautiful and mysterious, which is an accomplishment in a world where so much has already been said.

Maybe they laid me out in a paper dress
And let you melt like sugar on my tongue.
(my favourite line)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.