Short Story / Write A Love Letter

The ending would mean more if the “love” letter was not so juvenile, lacking confidence, actually talked about love and not like, and was not self-depreciating of Martin.  This is actually pretty poor and is not really a story.  It could be a piece of one, but it would need a lot of work.  What was the purpose of showing us the “love” letter?  There was nothing offered by reading it to give us any real understanding of what is going on.  Just that Martin has no confidence in himself and is shy.

Show us more.  Give us more.  Show us his soul beared and raw.

I find that your peice really realates to a lot of people. I love how you word things in you word. ‘His hands shook…watched the fire burn it to ashes’. These descriptions give your piece life.

The act of letter writing seems to be a lost art but it can be a beautiful thing eg Gilead, Angle of Repose. The letter had a very authentic feel and the sense of hopefulness rang through. It was indeed sad to see him burn the letter. I would change I’d hope you decide that you will to I hope that you decide that you will.
What is important in a short story is the clear illustration of the protagonists desire. You did this very well. This could be an excellent beginning to a bigger piece.

I really like the raw emotion of the piece, it sounds incredibly like someone who’s buzzing a little from a beer too many that’s crushing on the neighbor.
To be honest, I don’t think that there’s anything I would change about this piece.  The ending is perfect, exactly what I would have expected from the character.  It’s honest and emotional, and I really enjoyed reading it.

You’re only 16? Gedaddhere! This piece is 99 percent flawless, and this is not coming from starry-eyed writer wannabe. Okay, okay, I am a writer wannabe, but I’m not starry-eyed. The letter portion of this piece is flawless, interesting, and well-paced. The final paragraph has one very slight problem. You have the words “carefully” and “careful” in the same sentence.
Let me know who you are so I can read some of your other work. This is too good to be true.

Technically, your writing and editing are flawless. This is an interesting idea, but I’d like to see you do something a little darker with it. I mean, why let all the self-deprecation of the writer go to waste? Add some little cryptic line that smells of a twisted psyche. Or something, else – just lengthen it and take it up a notch or two. Good, though as is.

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January 13, 2007

by KeBove

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	92.3% (13 votes)	42.1%

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19	M	Rutland, VT	September 18

Thanks a lot for your compliments, especially as editing tends to be a weak point of mine. This may sound a bit crazy, but I like Martin too much to make him a bad guy. Also, most of what I write is pretty dark, so this was a bit of a respite for me. Thanks again, and I will try to make this a bit longer.

January 13, 2007

by Caroline24

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54	F	Canada	January 15

Some of the stuff that people submit look like they’re in first draft form. Not just people your age, either. In fact, I’m finding a lot of the younger writers are more careful. Anyway, I certainly wouldn’t say your editing is a weak point.

As for Martin, you don’t necessarily have to make him dark. The other reviewers were quite right. There are some very well-placed details in your story. Take it in another direction, then, especially if you like him. Develop this some more and watch him take over. It’s eerie how that works, but it does.

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This is nice. I really love the letter. It’s funny and sweet and interesting and its the kind of thing everybody wishes someone would send them.  The ending made me really sad; I’m not sure if I like it, but I understand if you didnt want it to seem too predictable.

Bien escrito.

This is a nice tidy little picture. I like it. And I think we’ve all been in Martin’s shoes, in one way or another, at some point in our lives. There’s a lot of good descriotion and the conversational tone of the letter fits perfectly, the use of the cat food and the Chinese restaurant really lend it an air of authenticity.

Really, the only thing I would point out is in the ‘denoument’, where he gets a beer from the refrigerator – You end a sentence with the word ‘beer’, and then end the next sentence with the same word. It’s a little clumsy and throws off the tempo that you’ve got going with the previous lines.

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January 13, 2007

by KeBove

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	92.3% (13 votes)	42.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Rutland, VT	September 18

Thanks, I didn’t even pick up on that.

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Enjoyable.

The letter has a candid approach to it that gives the story some life. I particularly enjoy some of the details that Martin picks up on – the cat food, the etiquette that is mostly in movies now.

I am a little unsure about the ending. You’ve written this great letter, avoiding hackneyed phrasings, and filling it with interesting detail. However, the ending is a bit a cliche. It’s a scene we’ve all seen in the movies hundreds of times. I think it undoes some of your work in the letter. I would either a) change the ending, or b) write it in a different way.

Overall, a very pleasant surprise from someone your age.

I thought the letter was very realistic, and the last paragraph was well written.

I think this piece would work better as an ending to a longer story.  As it stands, the letter itself takes up most of the story, while the final paragraph is much more interesting.

If you spent time at the beginning of the story describing Martin and his life (and perhaps show him going through that box of fortune cookies) the reader would have a much stronger connection with him that would give the story more impact.

You have a good premise here and a good character, I would just like to see you take it furthur.