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Poetry / Lesser Birds
Lesser Birds
I spoke to the sky.
“You must tire of crows.”
I thought surely he’d agree,
that there would be some peace,
some connection
between the sky and me.
But the sky rumbled
yellow gray with dawn
and cast a curious cloud
my way.
“Crows speak to me every morning,
play in my fields of white and blue,
teach me of community,
remind me what it is just to be.”
Who were the lesser birds?
“Eagles, then?”
“Eagles dive and soar,
make the most of wind,
dine on opportunity,
feast on survival.”
Maybe they weren’t birds at all.
“Bats?”
Bats love my stars,
hug my corners, feed
on my darkness. They caress
like no bird can.
Maybe I was the lesser bird.
Could it be?
“What if I fell from a mountaintop
into your blue?”
“I would catch you with my mountain.”
I stared, horrified, until I saw
the clouds curl in a smile.
Then a song rang out long and loud –
the laughter of the sky… and me.
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cindergirl6 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like “Conversation with the sky.” Just my opinion. This is very good, very well done. Truthfully, I’m not sure what to say. I have no corrections for you, sorry. You have talent…you have found your voice, so hold to that. The biggest thing with poetry is that it has to speak to you before it can speak to anyone else. If it doesn’t than you will get nothing fro it and neither will the reader.
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sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 1 -
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the claroty is not clear to me and the flow could be better. The imagery is really good so I guess the challenge then is to use the imagery to improve on the clarity. Maybe add a couple more lines or maybe I am just ignorant and this is a fantastic piece as is and the clarity is splendid..I have been off lately so I apologize if this is the case.
mckinleycooper reviewed Version 1 -
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Delightful—publishable, for sure!
Such a unique perspective, and somehow, the sky turns into all things—encompasses all things.
A subtle reminder of reading the book, not just the cover and the worth of all things.
As repulsive as bats are, the “sky” quickly set me straight, and their description (if not their persons) become lovely when viewed from the sky’s point of view.
I enjoyed this so much.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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This would be excellent in an illustrated YA book of poetry. The sentiment is a teaching of awareness, the similes accurate and original.
L1&2 are a great hook. Who asks about crows?
L14 is a mouthful. You might want to recast
“Maybe I was… This is the lesson of self awareness, put out well without the neon signs
The last two lines are not as elegant as the rest of the poem. “Long and loud” are not up the same level of diction. I’d keep the conclusion but recast the line. These are hard, grounding words where the rest of the poem is up in the sky. But I’m nit-picking. This is close to being publishable (is that a word?)
peter_sitkowski reviewed Version 1 -
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Amazing, I love this poem. The imagery is beautiful and those first two lines just encapsulate the simplicity and perfection of it! Awesome!
Tenerlo reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice! This poem made me smile. It’s not my typical form of poetry but I loved the story behind it. It was adorable and silly, yet very intelligent in its own way. I like the ideals behind it very much. Thankyou.
Beer_and_Poetry reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a fun and light hearted read. It’s the first to make me smile in a while. I really enjoyed it…perhaps there was a moral. That in truth there are no lesser birds. If that is the case then the impact of this poem is priceless. It could touch on Very many aspects of life. Race, Gender, Nationality…etc…etc. Which in turn makes this a priceless poem. Add the moral with the lightheartedness of the poem and you have a piece anyone of any creed and age could identify with.
I enjoyed the fluidity of the poem and the playfulness. Couldn’t see any technical errors…but I am no pro.
And if birds could read…;)...they’d give you kudos.
Feign reviewed Version 1 -
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I think that you have some strong imagery here and there. The story itself is interesting. But I’m not going to lie. I have no clue what this poem was about. I would like to think there was some deeper meaning. I can’t see how you could possibly improve on this.
I like the title “Lesser Birds” more than “A Conversation with the Sky”. The latter just sounds so boring compared to your colorful poem.
Maybe “Crossing words with the Sky”?
The third stanza was my favorite. I could really see it.
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