Thanks. I’ll consider it.
Poetry / Blue (Analysis)
You pay a price for all that beauty
That beckons through the frayed margins
of your tempestuous soul.
It finds fruition in each encounter
with your steady hand,
Nerves of steel, then,
Blasting out moody skyscapes,
Startling us all
with your clear-eyed vision
Of that which haunts.
And in every rendition
You raise these ephemeral ghosts
of your imaginings,
And hold them for posterity
in cobalt captivity.
But sometimes,
An elemental part of you is lost,
As if the paint had bled
directly from your veins,
Leaving you cold,
With synapses misfiring
screaming out for seratonin.
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Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed this piece, actually. It painted a very interesting character, and your word choice was engaging at times. I like the structure as well, although, the last two lines of this piece stood out as loners. I don’t think they fit with the rest of the poem. Perhaps that is something you already felt. Since this is your own descriptive piece, I would consider scraping the last two lines and try something completely different to finish. You could even leave it at, “Leaving you cold.”
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StoneAngel reviewed Version 1 -
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My only suggestion would be an additional description on the “blue” theme; loved the “cobalt captiviy”; perhaps near “clear eyed vision”, and also maybe in the last sentence. Overall, very good!
BamaBelle reviewed Version 1 -
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The puncuation needs alittle work. A few less commas and a few more periods. It will help with the flow. But I still enjoyed it. Nicely put.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. The first line grabs you! It’s a great way to lock the reader in and entice them along to find out what price is paid.
The staggering I’m not too keen on. Have you thought of trying it thusly?
You pay a price
for all that beauty
That beckons through
the frayed margins
of your tempestuous soul.
It finds fruition
in each encounter
I’m not going to paste the entire thing. Just to give you an idea of what I’m suggesting. I think it will read a bit more smoothely if you focus on the staggering.
Overall, I think it’s a fabulous piece.
Eden reviewed Version 1 -
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Actually, the rhythm works in this – it’s very free style verse. I think it’s well done, though cobalt is a color, and it’s a bit awkward as a description of captivity. The last line is hilarious. I hope that’s intentional. You definitely have a gift for crafting words. The imagery is good. The tension is good. The poem moves forward, from beginning to end.
AnnEnglish reviewed Version 2 -
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The final word or words of a poem no doubt are significant. Let’s start at the end.
It’s a long time since I learned what serotonin was, so I looked it up. [SerAtonin appears to be a misprint.] Serotonin makes involuntary muscle contract. So if you’re screaming for it, you’re very very relaxed. I think I have missed the point somewhere.
I’m sorry that I can’t offer a useful critique. This is my misfortune, not the writer’s fault. There’s no law that says that poetry has to be limited to what I can understand.
Kind regards
Ann
andersonwilliam reviewed Version 2 -
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The imagery was very vivid. At times I didn’t feel like there was a flow, but that might be intentional. Perhaps by keeping it choppy you are hoping to keep the reader off guard? So that they might receive it like you envisage? Nice, if that is what you intended. Otherwise not so good. But I think you meant to do it.
wise2owls reviewed Version 2 -
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In reviewing “Blue”, I noted that some of the words like ephemeral you might need a dictionary handy… Very good in all aspects… I hope your friend has taken care of his problem…
rsman26 reviewed Version 2 -
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I didn’t like this piece as much as I feel I might have, a piece like this is meant to envike certain emotions and I feel if it had went a bit deeper into those emotions in the piece it would have woked better, but I like the overall tone and feel with a bit of reworking it might be a really good piece, keep trying.
MENACE reviewed Version 2 -
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it paints a good picture but its not really catchy
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