Thanks Zinkyre for your feedback. I will definitely take this on board. I’ll also make sure I add a comment to all of my postings.
Short Story / Road Train
Road Train
I’ve just left a family dinner and I’ve just jumped onto the freeway. There isn’t a lot of traffic at this time of night and I have free rein over a whole lane for as far as I can see.
It has recently been raining and the roads have been washed clean. Puddles gather at irregular intervals down the freeway. I turn the radio off and tune in my iPod. As the music finds its place within the car I start to tune out. I always enjoy driving after rainfall because everything seems to engulf the light around it and reflect it back in a richer colour.
As I drive the puddles provide splashes of reflections back towards me, the world as a puddle sees it. I was bored at dinner. This tends to happen because after all these years I know the opinions of all my family members. As I sit at the table I think of conversations I could start but then I calculate the result in my head, knowing exactly what everybody will say. In the end the moment has passed and I focus back on what they are talking about.
I continue to drive and see my exit just up ahead but I’m enjoying the music and the ambience of the freeway so I decide to get off at the next turn off. The next exit comes up quickly and I don’t see why I can’t continue to drive and worry about heading home later on.
At the next exit a large road train descends and takes it place on the freeway. As I pass it I marvel at its size and the rich blue paint that reflects brilliantly under the street lights. Down the side near the cabin a row of little yellow lights cut straight through my eyes and I feel a little intimidated.
I quickly fall back into the mind space I was holding and focus on the lyrics. In my rear view mirror I see the road train sweep into the far right lane. It catches up to the car behind me and then passes me with ease. He is breaking the speed limit but I don’t see the harm at all.
I wonder where he could be heading. The license plates are from NSW and I contemplate following him. I put my indicator on and change into the right lane and force my car to catch up with him.
The next song starts on my iPod, a catchy beat that infects my body and I find myself bopping my head as I follow the road train down the freeway. My imagination overtakes the truck and plots our course forward. Where will we stop for food? Where is our destination? My mind is in over drive as we pass more traffic.
I’m about 10 exits from my home and think who will notice if I disappear for a few days? What a story to tell. The day I was taken away by a road train. Revelling in our rebellious nature I don’t see the harm in seeing where this will end.
My phone buzzes next to me; I break my focus from the lights on the back of the truck and read. 1 New Message. I open my phone “Where are you?” she writes. Maybe someone does notice. I put my indicator on and turn left at the next exit.
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littledevilgirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I would really like to know where the inspiration for this story came from.
I really did enjoy reading it because I thought that it was going to go somewhere else in the end. But it didn’t. And I liked how it was very simple.
You were very descriptive, and I usually say in my reviews that I love to SEE the story. I could definately see this story.
I hope this helped! Good luck!
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JakeMacKillan reviewed Version 1 -
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Engaging. Great descriptive. Authentiv voice. I would have done this in the past tense
RonnieDarko reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay story. I found myself wondering where the story was going and what the point was. A few quick notes… you spelled reign wrong in the first paragraph. I am not sure if the seond paragraph is suppossed to be poetic or what its place is in the story but it doesn’t work. It only slowed me down and lost my interest in the story. I think you have a good premise just not the best execution. I’d like to know more about the girl at the end. Is it the mother? His girlfriend? I hope this helps some…
Zinkyre reviewed Version 1 -
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I would like to see where this goes, although I am not too thrilled when I read it. Most of the details are unimportant. Then there are a few details that need more explaining. An example, “I’ve just left a family dinner and I’ve jumped onto the freeway.” It is two past tenses. It NEEDS to be condensed and changed so the tenses make sense.”I’ve just left a family dinner and I am driving on the freeway.” Most of the unimportant details could just be rewritten to tell the reader it is important. Example, “There isn’t a lot of traffic at this time of night and I have free rein over a whole lane for as far as I can see.” After that first sentence I would rather read, “There are no cars on the dark country roads. I feel comfortable enough to use all lanes.” That would set up for later on with the music, so the driver could be swerving to the beat.
Just a little advice, oh and leave a comment so I know what to review, it is more important for you to focus on what you want opinions on than anyone else.
a_bittersweet_tragedy reviewed Version 1 -
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You know, I understand that the character is just driving. Yeah, you stated that plenty of times but who the he, what is he thinking, how does feel. This leaves the reader going.. what..?
Also, it’s not very attention grabbing. It took me easily 20 minutes to read it because I kept getting side tracked because it just wasn’t very entertaining or anything.
Maybe you should try and rewrite this, think it out a little more. I just don’t understand what point you are trying to get across with this.
Other then that, it was boring and repetitive and I don’t know.
Try again, maybe?
EMMANITRATE reviewed Version 1 -
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I was transported reading your peice, it led me along. I felt the dampness after the rain and your descriptions of the reflections in the puddles are spot-on. Well done.
burn reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a nice slice of life story. At first I didn’t know what road train meant but when you mentioned New South Wales I made the Australian outback transportation connection.
You might want to do more showing and less telling in this story. You picked a great setting so try to paint a picture of it. All I know about the road is that it rained and there are puddles. What is the scenery like? What does the road train look like?
Other than that I would just say take these kind of ideas and try to shape them into longer, more developed stories.
easywriter57 reviewed Version 1 -
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What is a road train? haha..like a motorhome or a big bus? I have been on a tollway and did the same thing but didn’t get a phone call. At least the writer was able to relax a little here. Your story is consumming and entertaining. Your descriptions are great. I saw a few little places where you need commas but nothing drastic.
KellyE reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a sweet story, I like your descriptions, particularly the passage about knowing one’s family to such an extent that there is no point in starting a new conversation as you know how it will end.
I’d love to see more of your stuff!
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