Oh good lord, I take it you’ve never heard of Edward Gorey or Hilaire Beloc? You’re taking yourself WAY too seriously. You don’t actually think I’m promoting mass murder as a cure to an ill, do you?
Poetry / Jewel
Jewel
Listen reader, to my tale
About a girl called Jewel;
And all the things t’were done to her
By her ‘friends’ at school.
Despite her name this lonely girl
Was very very plain;
The only way she shined at all
Was through her clever brain.
She aced in math, excelled in French
And did the best in art;
She tried her best to befriend all
(She had a great big heart).
But sadly at poor Jewel’s school
There was a girly mob,
Who hated Jewel and all her skills
To cause pain was their job.
They started yelling insults dire
Abuse they loved to hurl;
The disrespect came everyday
And hurt our little girl.
This gang of girls did not stop there
(Although they had a ball!)
They wanted more, they acted worse
And pushed Jewel down the hall.
They stole her schoolwork, tore it up
And made fun of her clothes;
They laughed and taunted, called her names
And caused Jewel many woes.
They sneered at Jewel and made her cry
One day she’d had enough;
Although abuse had made her weep
It also made her tough.
Jewel decided late one night
She couldn’t take the steam;
She sat down with her pen in hand
To plot a little scheme.
She read some books and watched TV
And many plans did vet;
Jewel found what she was looking for
Upon the internet.
She worked real hard, her prize in mind
And with a hand so steady;
Eventually she reached the end
Her plan was finally ready.
The next week was the big event
A football game at school;
Attending were those horrid girls
The ones who had been cruel.
Our heroine had planned real well
Her plot was fully loaded;
And during halftime fun and games
The football stand exploded!
Not one girl in that evil gang
Survived the blast that day;
Our darling little bullied girl
Had finally got her way.
So this is it, the end is here
So listen to this fully;
The moral of this tale my friends:
Be careful who you bully.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Grimleycat reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Interesting… dark but I laughed! It is a subject which is so rife today-newspapers, headlines- a horrible thing to happen to someone and even more terrible to think that the result can lead someone to such an act…yet why did I laugh!? The end is so surprising.
It didn’t totally capture me at first. I thought it was another poem about bullying and yes it is, but the twist at the end is strangely satisifying.
‘Not one girl in that evil gang,
Survived the blast that day..’
It’s horrible- to kill young misguided youths. You almost forget the age of these kids. But it highlights the enormity of the girls pain- and that revenge is not the answer- ‘Jewel’ although pushed to the extreme is only as bad as them..
- add/view comments (0)
BC_Beneke reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This poem was a nicely done as a story. The rhyme scheme while a bit stretched at time should be able to capture a younger audience, and make your point. I worry however that with the incredible intelligence of younger people, and their lack of morality in general because both parents work, one might be all they get, you never know, but they don’t get the nurturing they need, and they might use this as a blue print. I’ve found that sometimes good intentions can lead to negative consequences.
From a technical standpoint… try to even out the lines a little bit more on the lines that don’t rhyme. The beat is off so to speak. They need to be closer to the same beat to etch the poem into a reader’s brain when it comes to rhyme scheme poetry like this.
“They laughed and taunted, called her names” Simply dropping the “and” in that line would even out the verse. So I believe you are really close to getting what you want out of this poem.
I have some other ideas if you are interested, but I won’t make you pay credits, just email me on here.
insphy reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
i love the meaning but the words could use some work i’d try saying it out load to help and flow issues that and some of the lines had almost no ryhming in them at all sounds more like speech maybe try making it more palitable for readers
zahir reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
A timely piece, but dangerous in its content. As a teacher in a high school, I certainly do not condone bullying, but to use it as a justification for mass murder does not sit well with me. I would rather you emphasize/glorify the many other alternatives a teen has when being teased/harassed, than the route that too many kids are taking these days.
Given these feelings, I would ask that you NOT try to publish this.
Showing 1 - 4 of 4
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 1 Comment
Version 1
Latest Activity: 5 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
