thanks for the comments, yes a visit to strunk and white is in order for all of us from time to time. :) i’ll keep you advised of any rewrites.
Short Story / it was an old, ornate and oddly carved...
It was an old, ornate and oddly carved flask that jake discovered in the backroom of the house he had just bought. He thought that he had seen it all before he acquired this house. He’d been around the world several times investigating the occult and anthropological oddities and had seen an awful lot. Some of it amusing and just plain odd and some just plain awful. He had gotten to the point where he needed to rest up, become someone else, someone relaxed and at peace with himself.
So, he jumped at the chance to own this house, over a hundred years old with great wide porches surrounding all sides, an apple orchard at the back, acres of trees and wildflowers and a long winding driveway. The place was so damned bucolic he expected Norman Rockwell to get out of the real estate agent’s car instead of the brusque blonde in pin-striped suit and sensible pumps who came to greet him.
He was too enraptured with the place to hear much of her spiel though, dazedly signing the papers, arranging the contract and mortgage with amazing speed and now here he was.
What kind of madhouse was this? He’d come upon box after box of eerie handwritten notes, bookshelves full of treatises on magic, witchcraft, the black arts. Books he’d never believed existed by authors he’d thought were figments of other authors’ imaginations, were there, in the flesh, in his house. He’d run away from the occult to rest and recuperate in what seemed to be the former home of a very twisted individual. Each room an adventure that left him in a cold sweat, shaking his head in disbelief.
Now, this flask, when he’d had more than enough, and thought he’d seen it all anyway, the damned thing was in the corner and vibrating. He knuckled his eyes and blinked and still the thing kept its movement, the clay making little explosive noises as it bumped against the plaster walls. He stifled the urge to run out of the room, reminding himself that he was a pro at this stuff and slowly crossed the room.
It was a beautiful thing actually when one discounted the horrific carved creatures decorating its sides. Strange things out of Lovecraft, all tentacles, fangs and bodies not made for this dimension or any he could think of. He reached down to touch it. There was a shriek that filled the air as he found himself being dragged through that impossibly small opening and he realized somewhat belatedly that the shriek had and was still coming from his mouth.
Several years passed and a young couple heard the agent’s pitch about this great old house a guy bought and then never moved into. Taken over for taxes, they could have it for a song. They were expecting a child soon and thought it a great place to raise kids. The contract and mortgage went through so easily and they began to move in.
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aquaruischick reviewed Version 1 -
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anedella reviewed Version 1 -
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This story needed more detail. It was almost like getting a overrview, or some highlights, but we never get the whole story. You should work on your details.
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jfriend3 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a clever little story and will be much better once it gets revised a bit. Logically I found myself thinking ‘why didn’t they notice the jar there when they were showing the house?’ and why wouldn’t a so-called master of the occult handle a supernatural jar with a little more respect than just grabbing for it? I think if you made the story a bit longer you could cover those bases. It could use some work grammatically also; there are a handful of errors. In the first sentence, capitalize Jake. The second might work better with a semi-colon at the end, as follows: “He thought that he had seen it all before he acquired this house. He’d been around the world several times investigating the occult and anthropological oddities; he had seen an awful lot.” I like to recommend the book The Elements Of Style as a must-have for writers… it helps tighten the nut on your writing, making it more effective. Let me know if you end up posting a rewrite.
November 24, 2005
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Well, this story has a good story line, but that’s all I can say about it. With the use of extreme vocabulary, I became lost and uninterested in this piece. Also, the sentence fluency seemed to lack movement. It seemed to jumpy.
Davidkeever7 reviewed Version 1 -
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This writing is awsome! Edgar Allen Poe style almost. Your descriptions are facinating to read. You should write a book. My favorite part whould have to be: “he knuckled his eyes and blinked and still the thing kept its movement, the clay making little explosive noises as it bumped against the plaster walls. He stifled the urge to run out of the room, reminding himself that he was a pro at this stuff and slowly crossed the room.” I love the feeling this paragraph gives the reader. This has got to be one of the best things I’ve read on this site.
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