Haiku/Senryu / You, there, in my dreams

forgiving someone within a dream? my concern here is that the relevance of forgiving someone in a dream seems insignificant vs. in real life. i like the second line, but the third one is really not doing it for me, sorry!

This is intriguing and mystical.  However, it is also a bit vague as to what was done (that needed forgiving) and what the “knowing/feeling” is.  I’d use commas instead of hyphens in line three.  Also, a title that does not repeat some words from the poem might be more interesting and offer extra insight.

Yes, I agree with what you said in your introduction.

There is certainly a sexual thing here-
Oh, I may just be a f…ing mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Your words sent me back a lot of years; they speak to me….

I don’t think I want to know all,

I’m surprised you thought of this juxtaposition of ideas: forgiveness and omnipotent dreaming.

My version:

Unconscious, knowing
Unburdened by dreamer’s care
Continue sleeping?

It’s no better than yours, I’m afraid.

I forgave you there/In dream-time continuum like the idea that the landscape of dreams gives the voice a place for forgiveness, one that might not exist outside of “dream-time”.  Just curious, are you alluding to the Aboriginal idea of dream time?  If so, this is a place where life happens, which adds another dimension to this piece.  The final line, “Knowing-feeling-all” resonates in this context: that dream-time provides a filament of connection to the universe, to the expanse of all.  

Maybe I’m being traditionalist, but I would like to see the concept of this haiku expanded with images of the dream-time continuum.  Rather than use a filler word “there”, can you provide me an image of what this place looks like?  What’s the topogrophy?  How do I orient myself?  How does this dream time allow me to know and feel all?  And to your original premise in the haiku, does this place grant me forgiveness I wouldn’t bestow otherwise?  Why?  

I find the questions this haiku raises interesting; I’d simply like to experience them through thoughtful images.  

Thanks for sharing!

Poetrylover

I don’t often write haikus but I like reading them! Yours is good. I would suggest adding a comma after ‘Knowing” to add to a more distinct pause for drama’s sake. Other than that, I woldn’t change a thing!

I like the poem up until the last line. That last line needs to be reworked, the crossed out word “feeling” absolutely does not work for me--I honestly felt like it was a cop-out. You start off with this wonderful image and deft word selection which implies a great deal, the fact that some prior action needed to be excused, and that forgiveness has not been ACTUALLY rewarded, rather imagined in a dream--This wonderful setup which you totally betray in this lackluster final line. It almost makes me mad. If you truly cannot pull this profound setup together in 5 syllables of a last line (and It should haunt you at night trying to do so,) then I suggest not letting yourself be limited by the form haiku and extending the poem a bit. I have always thought that the draft of a poem is like good fruit with a few brown spots—you have to take a hard look at what the good part is, cut away the rot and then work with the good part you’ve got. In your case, the good part to work with are the first two lines. They are awesome. Now just bring them the closer they deserve and all will be well with the universe.

This haiku is interesting considering that it varies from the traditional use of a wild landscape and uses a dreamscape as its setting. There is no imagery to work on, but requires the reader to use his/her own imagination. Excellent work.

Hum?

I’m going to say it’s totally about the exclusion, where the dreamer is really excusing themselves, there’s a guilt, the dream may have been a wet one?
Uninterrupted existence or succession while feeling all of the dream subject.

I’m really liking these Haiku’s, they can fuck the mind so good, but also excercise thought.