good question…not sure but perhaps he could get a reprieve, if only for a while(heh, heh) to give the story a bit more flesh, so to speak.
Short Story / halloween tale
It was dark out, no moon and the stars that coldly glittered overhead seemed only to make the darkness even more impenetrable. It was like a cloth was clinging to his face, blinding him, a smothering, cold and dank cloth. Why did he have to come here to this place on this night of all nights? What imp of the perverse directed him here and why did he not resist?
He moved forward slowly, feeling his way through the cemetary, the tombstones vague light blurs in the darkness, wraithlike, taunting him. His flashlight had burnt out hours ago, this vigil not really prepared for, no sane man would’ve even thought to be here and yet, here he was.
He cursed as his foot twisted sharply against an unseen obstacle and despite his efforts to stay upright, slammed his body first against a marble angel and then onto the ground. He groaned at the sharp tang of pain that lanced through his ankle and tried to maneuver himself into a position from which he could get up without putting pressure on his leg.
Suddenly, with an awful snick and slivery sound of metal on metal, he found his arms and legs pinned to the ground, then his chest and as he struggled and heaved up his torso, a final band encircled his forehead.
He lay there, barely breathing with the horror of it, his heart near bursting in a rapid beat that seemed to bulge his eyes and fill his ears with the sound. He tried to move his head from side to side as he began to notice another sound competing with his heartbeat, a dreadful sound, whispery chuckling, childish giggling, clashing of very sharp teeth. He began to scream as he felt a taloned hand stroke his brow and probe delicately at his eyes and then to shriek as his unseen captors began to feast.
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Mister7Cosmic reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this short story, it is very emotional and a very good use of detail. There is more to be told about what happened to him.
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Headless reviewed Version 1 -
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I think your style needs a bit of work.
I do like the content, I’ve always been a fan of horror writing. You need to work on placing commas better, you have a lot of run-ons.
He tried to move his head from side to side as he began to notice another sound competing with his heartbeat, a dreadful sound, whispery chuckling, childish giggling, clashing of very sharp teeth.
That could be broken down and made into at least two sentences and it would work better.
And a hand cannot be taloned.
Zhengi reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the premise of your story. The only thing I can seriously recommend is to revise it for grammar. Like the first line:
It was dark out, no moon and the stars that coldly glittered overhead seemed only to make the darkness even more impenetrable.
A little rewriting of the sentence will help. Something like “It was a dark night out with no moon or stars…”
But other than this, it’s a good story and I hope you continue your excellent writing.
Neener reviewed Version 1 -
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You reviewed mine, so I’ll review yours!! I’m also fairly new here, so I hope I do okay. Also, I’m not really a pro at the writing, so I’m not sure if it will help much, but I liked this story. It was very well written with a good amount of description and imagery. Is there more to come of this story, or was it over with the character being eaten? :) either way, i did like it.
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