I forgot how much I loved this piece. I had to come back and remember.
Tnx again.
Poetry / It So Poorly Keeps
I throw out corned beef every night
because there is entirely too much meat
in each can – for just one.
And given its close relation
to raw ground beef,
you understand why it so quickly
browns and hardens
even when preserved.
It so poorly keeps to mock the fact
that I cannot cook because it knows
I am alone and appreciates the irony
of an African throwing food away.
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FinnessaWilliams reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this, but I felt your word choice is a bit weak. I think first you may want to change “corned” to ‘corn’.
The line you tried to draw from corn beef to regular raw beef was a little strained. It wasn’t very convincing. Maybe removing, “and given it’s clost relation to ground beef.”. Honestly it comes from the same animal. Corn beef can be pulled apart in strips and doesn’t crumble like ground beef. To me that part completely fails.
I liked everything else but the last line. What is the “African throwing food away.” really mean. Everyone I’m sure throws some food away. Is this an actual African, or is an African American? I felt that wasn’t clear.
I will say it needs some work but has some very good parts in it.
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aquaisis reviewed Version 1 -
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Line by line it’s a simple picture. I like the simple descriptions and use of language.
The last stanza might need to be rebroken. Here, the lines seemed to stumble a bit at the end of each phrase.
Well Done.
danielklotz reviewed Version 1 -
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This is witty and gets you laughing, until you get to the final lines and you wonder if it’s funny or sobering or both. Great choice of subject matter, and carefully worded with great description.
ae reviewed Version 1 -
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Jeez. Brutal.
Anthropomorphosizing canned meat… I cannot say that mechanism has ever occurred to me, or to anyone I’ve read, either.
I love this sort of poem, plainly spoken, more statement than verse, mainly observation and ungarnished narrative. But it cannot be merely a simple statement because meat is only mocking in poetry.
Simple and loaded. Worth emulating.
Tnx.
beysshoes reviewed Version 1 -
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Above and beyond the political incorrectness of this poem…I’d say you have a keen eye for detail and propensity toward allegory. This is no small gift.
If this goes deeper than the superficial satire, I’d have liked you to have developed it further. It left me feeling in a ‘half step’ on your thought. Sarai
OrangeRolls reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, i really dig this. It’s clever and quirky and honest. I think you should put a comma between “cook” and “between” in the first line of the last stanza, which would make more sense.
January 12, 2007
Deleted User
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it’s stunning what you do with the rather simplicities of life with your words. i liked this, although not as detailed and vivid as some of the poems i’ve read from you thus far; it has this wholesome feel to it. the last two lines makes it worth reading.
jakespatz reviewed Version 1 -
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OVERVIEW
This piece is well beneath your talent, Cavol. I don’t see any strong rhythms here (the proposed revisions improve your work a bit in this regard, but hardly enough to make a significant difference). I don’t see the inventively coined imagery your other work has. I don’t see the verbal wit or conceptual strategies you elsewhere employ. In short—and I say this relative to your other work—this is still a sketch for a poem, a very preliminary document.
The point you make is really not ironized enough here. The “shift” in meaning (or focus?) others mention isn’t there either, since line 3 already announces you’re alone, and the poem is hardly long enough to get away from it.
Moreover, I find your poem’s thought to proceed from a very stereotyped (or televised) image of Africa. Much starvation there has been confronted with exported foodstuffs, which the locals oftentimes have rejected because the grain (etc.) isn’t local, or isn’t easily digested, and so forth. The irony is that “an African” (rather a general term, isn’t it?) is likely to throw away the same food you do, albeit on different grounds.
Knowing this to be the case at least some of the time, I can’t see how your piece—no matter how well articulated—could be seriously improved without a major rewrite. The flaw here lies deeper than language & artistry.
THAT SAID…
I’m sure mine is not exactly a majority view, so let me offer some counsel in the event that you intend to preserve and rework this piece.
You could first acknowledge that you’re personifying the can o’ meat throughout the poem (given that it “mocks” you and “knows” you’re alone). That’s something you could ride a bit further for comic effect—and more comedy here would perhaps redeem this piece, at least in part, from my critique above, by making it more deliberately casual.
Secondly, you might capitalize on the ironies ready to be mined from the phrase “browns and hardens,” which at present lies rather inert on the page. Focus your thoughts there, and I believe you’ll find ample material to play with.
Thirdly, as noted, you might vitalize your rhythms more; the deficiencies begin with the opening lines: they establish no music.
I do like your way of grabbing the title from a line within the poem. (That’s a persistent device of the poet I posted a translation of, and I wonder if you’re trying out the technique seen there, or if yours is an unrelated instance of it. Either way, you make the device work: the words in the line “ring” because of the title. But you need more of that resonance in everything else.)
Also, I don’t understand the “close relation” b/w corned beef and raw ground beef, except that they’re both meat (and spoil in the same way), and that you can’t cook either one of them. I don’t see what the comparison actually adds to the poem. (If, however, you want to make a point about superfluous food, go ahead and mention 5 more cuts… at least then the unnecessary surplus would achieve a palpable effect.)
I hope this falcon-eyed “blab” is of use to you. :-)
Billinnlr reviewed Version 1 -
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I agree with the first review on this. It is really good and imaginative. The second part however needs to be extended just a bit. Great work though and I am looking forwards to reading more from you. Nice new pic as well
georGIA reviewed Version 1 -
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I would have suggested the same kinds of line changes as Miss Nayberry before, but more like this:
It so poorly keeps
to mock the fact that I cannot cook
because it knows
I am alone
and appreciates the irony
of an African throwing food away.
I felt while reading that “I am alone” needed to be isolated in the same way that the speaker is isolated. And it would better lead into your shift in meaning. Which I really like, by the way, it was so unexpected. Humorous but painful to admit at the same time.
Overall very well done. You have such a unique style and I love what you do.
Do you think you could look at my “jesse jackson’s job,” because it’s been up for almost a whole week now and I haven’t had any feedback at all.
~georGIA
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