I would imagine the metaphor is exactly as you think it, I have a base mind (which is why one of my other pieces here is an erotica piece)
I use a different metaphor for the same activity in “Not Your Best Work”
Poetry / Lothario's Lovers
I paid good money for these seats.
Paid in blood, sweat and tears
coin of the realm.
All to watch a show
in which none of the actors want to act
Under contract though so no choice.
But still I watch as Lothario
dashes hither and yon across the stage
and the women swoon at his feet.
I know the actor, you know
the role is typecast
but he is brilliant in his part, for all that.
You may notice that the dust of the stage
clings to my own knees.
I had to earn my seat here somehow.
So thank you
for allowing me to peak inside the curtain
It’s good of you to keep your audience in mind.
I will try to remember
to cut the barbs from the roses
before I throw them on the stage.
R. Lowry
1/5/07
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wishfulpoet19 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is definatley one of the better poems I have read lately. I loved it. The wording was perfect, although I’m not to much of a fan of poems that don’t rhyme or have a steady beat, but this one is the exception of that. The words fromed pictures in my head, which is what I think every poem should do. It should be able to not only show you words but pictures. It was excellent.
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bullgooseloon reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very professional. The pace is natural, but not overpowering. Maybe the rhythm becomes a bit too predictable, as if Henny Youngman is working the crowd, but it works for a short piece like this. I like the cynical innuendos that drip from every line. And, although I can infer certain meanings from each from the notes you leave us, the piece, itself, is strong enough to convey some complex emotions. Why else write, I guess, right? Thanks, feel like I’ve sat next to this person at a play, before (or, hell, I admit, been that person).
WoodenClogs reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s incredibly witty and subtle. I love the way you wrote the poem; it almost made me feel like you were speaking to the theatre, or a person standing by watching what you were seeing. The poem almost strips the glamour away from theatre, showing what the actors feel, you know, how bored they must feel repeating the same performance.
I will try to remember
to cut the barbs from the roses
before I throw them on the stage.
That was my favorite part, for its almost sarcastic feel.
Good work.
drunkb4noon reviewed Version 1 -
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wow that felt snide. if that whole dusty knee reference is a metaphor for what i think it is…wow thats cold. there are so many ways to interpret this but how ever you read it its not very nice. it was very easy to follow and the end puts an evil smirk on my face. you set a clear tone with your words.
darylseldon reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good poem, but it is lacking something… It is light and meditative but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere, which is fine… I guess. I guess the only problem is that the experience, as brilliantly conveyed as it is, is not unique or important enough. Maybe you can take poor people to a play, but that’s not quite enough. Maybe this guy is a janitor (with stage dust on is clothes) and maybe i don’t know which play he’s watching but still, it’s not quite enough. Read Billy Collin’s Walking Across the Atlantic. Your poem is similar to his (he’s a former poet laureate) but notice how unique the experience is that he chose. The experience doesn’t have to be that unique, but if it is not, then it must be conveyed in an extremely creative way. That is the balance. You must either have a very unique experience conveyed in a light and meditative tone, or a mundane experience conveyed with superfluous creativity.
Again, the poem is very good and enjoyable. I would only advise you to change it if it seems to naturally want change, otherwise, it is what it is and it is a very good poem.
Googamoonga reviewed Version 1 -
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ENCORE !!!! ENCORE !!!!
This is a great poem! The first part sold me on the whole deal.
The part about earning your seat was clever.
4everYours reviewed Version 1 -
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“Under contract though so no choice.” – you might want to rework this line so it makes more sense.
“I know the actor, you know
...
but he is brilliant in his part, for all that.”
cut out “you know” and “for all that”. They’re not needed, and the first sounds awkward because you had already said “know” in the same line.
my favourite stanza is the last one. I love the content and the way it sounds.
Caroline24 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this and can add nothing to improve it. I wish people wrote to me poetically.
ARHowerton reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. No beating around the bush there.
Very nice. You set the scene very well, then get to the meat of the story. For, while it is a poem, it is also telling a tale.
I especially enjoyed the last three stanzas that really color the piece with indignation.
I only have one question – ‘peak’ in the 6th stanza – is that a typo on ‘peek’ or is that a choice double entendre? I’m assuming the latter and giving this a 9.
Little_Girl_Red reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this poem, although I’m not entirely sure what it’s about. Is it about a man who has been sexually involved with the character and has then been harsh with her? I’m not really sure.
I really like this poem though, especially the 5th and last stanzas, both are which are phrased beautiful and are poignant without being pretentious.
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