Short Story / Amanda
I thought I was in love. I thought he was the one. I thought we’d be together forever. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought I knew what I was feeling, but whatever it was it must’ve been a lie.
I never realized how alone I was until I, felt the cold black chair, begin to numb my naked butt and back. The numbness awoke me from my utopian state and brought me back to reality. Here I am sitting on this cold chair alone, in this damp grey hospital gown about to get an abortion. No mom. No dad. All alone and no one knows, but him. He gave me the money so this must be what I want.
I’m only sixteen I can’t take care of a baby. If this baby had a choice, I know it would choose not to live in this cold cruel world. A world that I fear everyday, I wouldn’t want to be relegated to this city. A city of broken dreams and unfulfilled promises, she’s better off not being brought into this world.
Whether she’s alive or not, after today no one or thing will have anything to worry about. I just couldn’t see myself raising this baby, by myself. I couldn’t put her through the hell I was forced to live in every single long day of my life.
I don’t even see myself ever leaving this town, I just don’t. I see myself being stuck in this rundown, grungy place. No matter how hard I try to leave I can’t. And the longer I stay the more content I am with my unique situation.
I can’t leave because every time I look at myself in the mirror all I see are my mother’s eyes. My mother’s cold, cruel, and unloving gray eyes. The eyes of a failure, the eyes of a stripper, a whore. The eyes of someone who cared for no one but herself. The eyes of abandonment. I couldn’t put my unborn child through that and leave her with all the emotional scars that put me into this situation. I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t.
If only the father wanted to keep her then maybe she, could have a life. A life full of all the dreams a little child dreams of. A life full of hope and love, a life that I always wished I had.
He’s got money. He’s got power. He’s what this city thrives on. He’s the fuckin’ golden child. His family is the heart and soul of this city and without them there’d be nothing else. So why should I be heartless and deprive this city of their future heir.
Why am I only thinking about myself? I should think about the baby. To hell with it, I should think about the city. The scandal this would cause. I can see it now front page in big bold letters. Sixteen year old fosters the love child of a prominent business man.
I could milk this baby for all she’s worth, I could finally leave this god forsaken city, I could be happy, but what about them? What about them! The broken family I would have created. What about his wife and kids? How would they feel to be left alone to fend for themselves while daddy is gone to prison?
How would they live? I couldn’t do it. I’m not like them. I’m not like him! I have a heart. A dream. I have passions. I still have my hopes and desires and my conscious. I know what I have to do and I hope she, my unborn child, will understand.
But now I lay here crying a lake of tears. All because of the choice I chose to make. A split second decision because he said he loved me and I believed him. I looked him dead in his icy blue eyes and saw nothing but lust and desire. Yet I still believed the ocean of lies he so poetically recited to me. Now I’m the only one with the blood of my unborn child stained across my chest.
No one else will ever know. No one but me, him, and our unborn baby girl I so affectionately call Amanda.
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Wow, this is fantastic writing! It’s engaging from the start. ”the blood of my unborn child stained across my chest”- omigosh, that is some good writing! you have a gift of getting inside the head of your characters. 1 nitpicky thing, but get it out of there because some anal retentive spelling freak is going to have a cow - I still have my hopes and desires and my “conscience.” not “concious”. No biggie. Dang, you have a real gift. Don’t stop writing!
Best of luck to you!
Stevie Rey
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This first pargrah is a little mcuh with all the I’s
This was a really good poient story. You basically slapped the reader in the face in less than a thousand words good-job. This only reason i didn’t give it a ten was because of the first sentances were just a little much with all the I’s
Well best of luck in the future
Dave
This is interesting but a bit melodramatic. And I wasn’t sure what you meant by your narrator’s ‘unique’ situation. Single and pregnant? Not really all that unique I’m afraid. Pregnant by a married, successful man? Also not unique. I would lose that line.
Otherwise, your narrator sounds good. Maybe a bit about her dad? You’ve included a line about her mother, but maybe the part of her father she sees in herself might be nice.
The emotion is very raw. It’s clear you have talent. And the character introspection is good. But your prose is purple – you’re getting so caught up in being descriptive, I think that it takes away from the really emotional scene that you are describing here.
For example: But now I lay crying here in a lake of tears., is considered purple prose. Plus it’s cliche.
You could simply state it instead of using over statement. Sometimes less is more.
But you do a great job showing the reader as opposed to telling the reader – so kudos to you.
Keep up the great work.
There is a lot of powerful emotion here. I just think it needs some polishing. It would be more interesting to read if less sentences were started with “I”.
It would also be interesting to know more about what the character looks like and her surroundings.
What is the town like? What does she dream should could be?
I would work more and expand this piece, I think there could be a lot more told.
I liked this. I thought it was packed with emotion.
I thought you had a really good opening which drew me in straight away and I liked the repetition. However, I would probably cut it back a tiny bit and perahps take out ‘I thought I knew what I was getting into’ because i dont think it adds anything.
I also really wanted to know why the girl fell for the baby’s father – she calls him the golden child and I think it would be really good to see a snippet of memory where he does or says something that makes her fall for him.
I’m also wondering if you couldn’t create more inner conflict for the mother deciding to abort her baby? How does she feel about her body? Is there any small part of her that thinks there might be a positive aspect to having the child? And what about the conflict of neededing someone to confide in?
This is a very good piece but I think you could do so much more with it.
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