Thank you! That’s a great suggestion.
Short Story / "They Can't Be Alone"
At opposite ends of a table sit a man and a woman beginning their Sabbath dinner. Between them sit their two daughters and the woman’s mother. After saying the Friday night prayers, the family goes to do the ritual washing and returns to bless the Sabbath bread, called challah. The family members all take a seat, and the sisters excitedly begin to tell the family about the “awesome” things they did over the week, often interrupted by a related story from their audience, The conversation, which tonight has ranged in topic from Elton John to the upcoming SATs and PSATs, lasts until everyone is full, and only ends because slowly people get up to clear the table. The whole family willingly helps, feeling like equal participants in another great meal. After clearing, the family heads into the den to play backgammon, to them shesh-besh, until the sisters run upstairs to finish the conversations they never get to start during the (very busy) week. The woman’s mother comes upstairs to kiss the sisters good night, followed by the man and woman who, although tired from the night’s excitement, feel refreshed and ready for the coming week. There is a sense of contentedness filling the house, which will remain until the week begins and the family is thrown into the tumult of school, work, and life in general. One by one, the family members fall asleep, each personally thanking god for each and every night like tonight.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Cameron reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 118 word review has not been unlocked.
Jay1989 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 171 word review has not been unlocked.
darylseldon reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
The narrator assumes that we need to be directly educated about the Sabbath, “challah”, and “shesh-besh”, which gives the impression that this is something new either to the narrator or the narrator has assumed that the audience knows nothing of them, an unwarranted assumption at this point.
There is no conflict.
The audience doesn’t know why they are distanced from the characters (no names given).
It starts to get good at the last 3 lines. It is hinted that there is a reason we had to be told the things that preceded as the sense of contentment fills the house. The ideas need to be opened up. Find what is important in the montage you have provided, then write freely about it and you will have a surprisingly well done essay.
Great start.
- add/view comments (1)
markt reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I like it. I like the short story format anyway because it gives anyone the freedom to write whatever they like. I know nothing about Jewish culture so reading this provided an interesting insight. However, stories as short as this need a twist in the tale. So as a suggestion I would add your introductory comment to the end of your story, so it reads something like this:
“One by one, the family members fall asleep, each personally thanking god for each and every night like tonight. This is the opposite of my family’s Sabbath meal. The exact opposite.”
See how it suddenly becomes much more intriguing?
jlcampbell reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 125 word review has not been unlocked.
maureenVM reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
For some reason this feels very robotic to me. I’m not feeling the words or the emotions. Perhaps because, as you say, this is the exact opposite of your family—which would mean there is a lot of unpleasantness in your home, correct? Hmmmm, that is most likely why I don’t feel convinced by this story. It feels too fairytale, and from your perspective, it is. Still, while the grammer and sentance structure is good (save for one punctuation mark missing), I think I’d much rather read your real family story. I prefer to read things that allow the reader to really feel the emotions of the writer.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is my first critique of a short story on this site so I’m not sure if your story is an encapsulation or summary? You need to decide the Point of View (POV), a conflict – there doesn’t seem to be one, and the resolution of that conflict. Who will be the main character(s)? Limit it to no more than two. It is good to keep the story within a certain time frame and one or two places (kitchen, bedroom). I’m just not sure what you want your intended readers to know about this family. In one or two sentences you need to describe the people and setting. It does not matter if your readers are Jewish or not, you won’t have time to explain the different terms. Give your readers more credit, and if they don’t know what shesh-shesh is, than describe the game of backgammon without calling it backgammon. Hope this helps. Take care, Gregory
swanpatronus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I was a little confused on one thing – what a shesh-besh was. And also, “to them shesh-besh” doesn’t make grammatical sense to me. But I liked it. The flow was smooth and natural.
poetinmydreams reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
It was good. However, I think you could do better on your descriptive words. It seemed as though I got the picture but then it quickly went away. It wasn’t really made real to me. Also I don’t understand the title… Good though
Heel reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
It’s a touching story, but it doesn’t seem to get the reader really into it.
This piece is more of a part of a short story. You’re missing imagery. Try adding descriptions. Also, consider putting in a lesson that can be implied when read ‘between the lines’.
This is a good start because it seems to attract the readers with a feeling of tranquility after a hard day’s work.
Showing 1 - 10 of 20
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
20 Reviews 9 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
