Thanks so much for your review and honest feedback. I’m glad you were able to catch the style of this piece…i used a lot of imagery to be able to reach the readers and audience. Thanks for the review. I was told that it would be a good spoken word piece…i’ll definitely use this one for that. I appreciate your review and comments.
Poetry / Street Symphonies
Tantalizing tunes harken deep into the darkness,
Piercing through the dense fog of the night,
Evangelizing,
Awakening,
And calling forth,
Its audience,
Where ‘shady’ shadows lurk.
I see them doing paper chasin’ dances,
Singing, their euphoric notes of,
Adrenaline pimpin’,
Needle humpin’,
In dark, menacing corners,
Of a hustler’s famous stage.
On the corner,
I see spilled,
Permanent blood-stained notes,
Of the same ol’ song,
Of red streams flowing,
Down,
These concrete pages,
In the hood,
Again.
Led by another illusory maestro,
Holding onto his hot steel baton,
Trigger finger twirlin’,
Performances of gun smokin’ exchanges,
With another lead conductor,
Facilitating a new following of,
Devious,
Instrumental,
Death playing,
Nocturnal,
Angelic musicians.
There’s always a new breed…
Waiting.
Pied Pipers of the street,
March to this acclaimed symphony,
Arousing the attention,
Of shape shifters,
Architectural mind gamers,
And street pharmacists,
Ready to medicate,
And regulate,
Your obituary.
Still, there is an alarming following,
Of these scrape steppin’,
Robotic drones,
Cultivated,
Manipulated,
And entranced by,
The disconcerting,
Haunting rhymes,
In these,
Symphonic militias.
This deafening overture of battles,
Is eerily familiar,
Reverberating its usual cadence,
Of maliciousness,
Rhythm stealin’,
And disappearin’,
Into the night,
Amongst those who choose to be,
Deaf and blind listeners.
It dissipates into,
Faded,
Ghostly whispers,
Forcefully heard and impacted,
By those few,
Unfortunate,
Dedicated,
Discarded patrons.
Everyday,
We all pray,
For these street symphonies,
To,
End.
Listen…
Can you still hear them play?
I can.
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scribes4life reviewed Version 2 -
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I LOVE this poem. I’ve read it about 25 times; mostly aloud. There’s great rhythm, and the word choice is flawless. There are minor structural changes that I wanna suggest, but they’re more or less personal preferences. It seems like there is are intended pauses in some places (like at the end of the second line) and I’d represent them with dashes or ellipses to signify to the reader. Or maybe, you could consider splitting some stanzas (like at the end of, “paper chasin’ dances,”) resulting in a wrap effect for double meanings. It also, makes the reader think about that line a little longer than if it’s followed directly in the same stanza. While it might result in shorter stanzas, I don’t think it would hurt the appearance of the poem. Plus, you really don’t need to do it to every single stanza. I guess after reading and re-reading I ended up asking myself how you would want to read this poem; where would you stop? Where would you pause? I guess I would like to see the answers represented in the written version. Thanks for the inspiration. Love it. Keep writing.
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Gilbert reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked this piece. The street scene message is painted vividly. One reviewer commented that the poem sounds better when spoken out loud and I agree. The images jump out and grab you when you are speaking the lines.
WhippedButter reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m not sure if I would worry about your commas as much everybody seems to think. The strongest aspect of this poem is your rhythm and word choice. The language fits the mouth well and appears better suited to be a spoken word piece. If your goal is to be published in this genre of poetry your best bet is to hit the mic anywhere you can, open mic-night, local concerts, whatever. Get your feedback from the stage where you should put your commas. It worked for Saul.
juliemorey reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the descriptions and imagery of this piece. It is lively and vivid. The only suggestion that I have is not to use commas at the end of each line where they are not needed because it disturbs the flow. Otherwise, I absolutely loved it! Nice job :)
bourgeois reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, very good poem. It has a good flow and I think it would ideally be a spoken piece, possibly accompanied by some music.
This poem is very visual and colorful, and reading it gives me the impression of walking down the street. Each stanza is like a different block on the street. I love the imagery… “Permanent blood-stained lyrics,” “illusory maestro,” “a hustler’s famous stage,” “Pied Pipers of the street.” There are so many good images.
Here are my suggestions:
The first line is awkward because “harken” is to listen attentively, or give heed. Also, check your verb tense.
You don’t need a comma separating each line. When we read poetry, we naturally pause between lines, especially if the line is only one or two words long. For example, I think
Evangelizing,
Awakening,
And calling forth,
Its audience,
could be changed to
Evangelizing
Awakening
And calling forth
Its audience,
You might not even need a comma after the last line. Too many commas are distracting. Also, I’m curious as to why “shady” is in quotation marks. It distracts me as well.
Lastly, the end confused me.
Everyday,
We all pray,
For these street symphonies,
To,
End.
It strikes me as pretty obvious and I feel like you could make a more profound point at the end, like commenting on the futility of our common prayer for this to end. But that’s just my thought. I’m not saying, “change it!” Just think about it.
Don’t get me wrong—I really like this poem. And personally, I like for people to question the devices I use in my work, because I will either change them for something better, or reaffirm why I put them there in the first place. Anyway, good luck. You surely have some talent. =)
finedani reviewed Version 2 -
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Its audience, – the subject of this sentence seems to be Tantalising tunes. Who, then, is the its in this phrase?
Where ‘shady’ shadows lurk – don’t like the use of shady here.
Permanent blood-stained notes,
Of the same ol’ song, – this, on the other hand, is fantastic!
These concrete pages, – like this as well
Devious, Instrumental, Death playing, Nocturnal, Angelic musicians. – and this … in fact, the whole second stanza is really great. Dark, clear, lyrical.
Third stanza: I liked these: Arousing the attention, Of shape shifters, and:
In these, Symphonic militias.
This deafening overture of battles, – I would change this to: The deafening overture of battle,
Ok, in general, I think your 2nd and 3rd stanzas are wonderful. The rest of the poem doesn’t measure up. Especially the ending. Your glorious images and ideas just seem to trickle out. I hope you try to rework this, because it has a huge amount of potential and I really enjoy your style,
January 05, 2007
Deleted User
Review of Version 2 -
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I really liked this poem, I felt in many ways I was there.
I felt the poor families huddled as the imperial war sweeped by.
And the poor dispairing loved one’s coming back to the desolate horors that awaited them.
Really good miss hi (lol) cant wait to read more like it soon.
R.
zahir reviewed Version 2 -
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Very interesting extended metaphor: gangs as a symphony.
The “dialect” (pimpin’, humpin’, smokin’, etc) is appropriate and effective, especially in contrast to some of the other word choices which are quite mature and imply education.
I especially like the stanza beginning with “Pied Pipers”, particularly the image of the “scrape-steppin’/robotic drones”. I personally can visualize this clearly!
Perhaps you could stengthen the message by emphasizing the youth of these “drones”, and the hopelessness that makes the “Pied Pipers” so irresitable.
IdiotSavant reviewed Version 2 -
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This poem evokes images in my mind of the desperate and innocent huddled in their shabby homes listening to the sounds of unending urban combat. I visualized the poor souls who arrive in the aftermath and their heartbreak.
Your word choice and flow are very good in this piece. The power of your feelings and your own personal experience comes through clearly.
freeverse1786 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is the best poem i’ve read on here so far. Your descriptions are sp vivid that they paint colorful paintings of life in a street symphony. This type a poem breaks down the down adn dirty of the corner and i appreciate you for writing this. Keep doing your thing.
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