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Children's / Folktale (2): Buffalo and Field Mouse
“Have you heard the story about Buffalo and Field Mouse?”
“No”
“Well, let me tell you a story.”
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A long time ago, according to a Cherokee tale, Field-Mouse was out gathering wild beans for the winter. Now while he was out, his neighbour, Buffalo came out to graze in the meadow.
Well, Mouse was not too happy because he was worried that Buffalo would mow down all the long grass with his prickly tongue and there would be not place for him to hide. And Mouse, being a proud animal, did not like Buffalo stopping his gathering.
“Ho, Friend Buffalo, I challenge you to a fight!” He tried to sound strong but his voice was small and squeaky.
Buffalo ignored what Mouse said, thinking it was only a joke. Angrily, Mouse repeated his challenge. Once again, Buffalo quietly went on grazing. In a fury, Mouse jumped up and down, challenging Buffalo a third time. Finally Buffalo looked at him and said lazily:
“You had better keep still, Friend Mouse. Or I shall have to come over there and step on you. And then there will be nothing left.”
“You can’t do that!” Mouse replied defiantly.
“I told you to keep still,” Buffalo insisted. Mouse’s needling was getting him angry. “If you speak to me again, Mouse, I will certainly come to you.”
“I dare you to do it!” said Mouse, provoking him.
“If I come over to you, I will put an end to you!”
Mouse stood on his back legs and laughed at Buffalo. Buffalo snorted in fury and rushed to Mouse. He trampled the grass, sending clumps of grass and earth with his front hoofs. But when he reached the place where Mouse was standing, he could not see him. He moved his hoof, looking for Mouse.
“I told you I would step on you,” he muttered. “And there would be nothing left.”
It was then he felt a scratching inside his right ear. He twitched his ears to stop the scratching. But it would not stop. Furiously he shook his head but it would not stop.
The scratching became gnawing, driving him half wild with pain. He pawed the ground with his hoofs and tore up the sod with his horns. When the pain did not stop, Buffalo started to run, first straight forwards, then in circles. He ran, bellowing madly. After a while, he finally stopped and stood trembling. It was then Mouse jumped out of Buffalo’s ear and said:
“Will you now say I am master?”
“No!” bellowed Buffalo. And once again he started for Mouse, wanting to trample him with his hoofs. When he reached where Mouse had been standing, he was gone.
In a minute, Buffalo felt him in his left ear. He became wild with pain again. Buffalo ran about the prairie, tearing up the sod and shaking his large head. At times, he would leap into the air, landing heavily on the ground. He was wild with pain and Mouse would not relent. At last, Buffalo fell to the ground and lay quite still. Mouse came out of his ear and proudly looked at the body.
“Ho!” he called out with pride. “I have killed one of the greatest of all beasts of the prairie. This will show all who is master!”
Mouse climbed up onto the body of the dead Buffalo. He wanted to dress his game, prepare it for winter. But he realized he did not have a knife. So he called out loudly, hoping someone would be out there to help him.
In another part of the prairie, Red Fox was hunting. He was very hungry and was hunting mice for lunch. In the tall grass, he saw one and jumped upon him with all four feet. But the mouse got away and Fox was disappointed. When he turned back to hunting, he heard a call in the distance.
“Bring a knife!” Is what Fox heard. “Bring a knife!”
Curious, Fox started in the direction of the faint sound. When he reached the top of a knoll, he stopped to listen but heard nothing or saw anything. As he was about to turn around, he heard the call again.
“Bring a knife!” The call was plain but the voice was very thin.
Fox quickly set out toward the voice and running as fast as he could. By and by, he came upon the large body of Buffalo. And he was surprised to see Mouse, standing on the body.
“Ho!” Mouse called out to Fox. “I am master for I killed on of the greatest beasts of the plains.”
“So I can see,” Fox replied.
“I want you to dress this for me and I will give you some of the meat,” Mouse commanded.
“Thank you, my friend,” he replied politely. “I shall be glad to help you!”
Mouse hopped of Buffalo’s body and sat down near by. Fox started to dress Buffalo. Mouse looked on, giving orders like:
“You must cut the meat into small pieces, because I am small.”
Or:
“Careful! You are wasting valuable meat!”
It took some time for Fox to finish his work and the sun was starting to set. Mouse paid Fox with a small piece of the liver. He swallowed it quickly and smacked his lips. But he was still very hungry.
“Please, may I have another piece?” he asked quite humbly, eyeing all the meat he had prepared for Mouse.
“Why? I gave you such a large piece! How greedy you are!” exclaimed Mouse. He looked about the area.
“You may have some of the blood clots,” Mouse sneered. So poor Fox took all the blood clots he could find and even licked off the grass. But he was very hungry.
“Please, may I take home some meat,” Fox begged. “I have four little ones at home and there is nothing for them to eat.”
Mouse looked at Fox and let out a loud sigh. “Very well, you can take the four feet of Buffalo. That should be enough for all of you!”
“Yes, yes! Thank you! Thank you!” Fox said quickly. “But Friend Mouse, I have a wife also. And we have had bad luck in hunting. We are almost starved. Surely, with all your bounty, you could spare a little more.”
“Why?” Mouse asked, insulted. “I have already overpaid you for what little work you have done.”
Lazily, Mouse waved his paw toward Buffalo’s head. “Fine, then. You can have the head too!”
For a moment, Fox looked at the head. Then he jumped upon Mouse who gave one faint squeak and was gone. As Mouse ran away from Buffalo, he had forgotten if you are proud and selfish, you will lose all in the end.
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Just a few little typos
“I am master for I killed on(e) of…
Mouse hopped of(f) Buffalo’s body….
Buffalo snorted in fury and rushed to Mouse ( would it be rushed to or rushed at?)
He was wild with pain… (nice the first time but you use this three time in the story and it gets repetative)
Then he jumped upon Mouse who gave one faint squeak and was gone (did the mouse get eaten or run away? It’s not really clear to me)
he had forgotten if you are proud and selfish, you will lose all in the end.
(I think the moral speaks for itself. There is really no need to come out and say it. 10-14 year olds are quite sophisticated these days and if they think you are talking down to them you will lose them.)
One other thing that confused me was, I always thought mice were herbavores, do they eat meat?
Regards
JEDoherty
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The story is well told, except I did not believe the ending was as strong as it could be. It seemed very abrupt and did not flow as well as the entire dialogue at the beginning. Could you spend more time on the thoughts of Fox, since I was unclear if he was a good or bad character. I would lengthen the end to be more clear on the motives and actions of Mouse and Fox. Also, will the children respond to the folk store with the narrator, or are they only seen at the beginning?
I really liked this story but I would have to question the amount of violence in it for children. I know that some fables tend to be a bit gory, but I think this one might be a bit over the top even for the age range you are targeting. That said the story flows well and there is a good lesson in it. Keep writing
I enjoyed the story. It will also go well with illustrations. Good concept too.
Here are a few points that may help the pace of the story:
1. Perhaps consider inserting Cherokee in the first line like so:
“Have you heard the Cherokee story about Buffalo and Field Mouse?”
“No”
“Well, let me tell you a story.”
%
A long time ago, Field-Mouse was out gathering wild beans for the winter …
This way when the story begins there are less commas to pause at.
2 In the second line, I would also omit the “Now” because it does not need to make sense and perhaps slows it down a bit.
3. the phrase “not too happy” would be better substituted with angry, if that is what you mean.
4. Instead of “It was then he felt a scratching inside his right ear”, consider: Then Buffalo felt an itch/scratching in his right ear.
5.At last, Buffalo fell to the ground and lay quite still. OR fell to the ground dead.
5. Mouse hopped OFF (not OF) Buffalo’s
6. Can the blood clots be substituted with another term/body part? It may be too much of a turn-off for the young audience.
7. hoofs or hooves
8.In the sentence: Mouse who gave one faint squeak and was gone. Consider … Mouse squealed and took off.
I’ve offered some suggestions below, it’s hard make them obvious with the limited editing tools available through this client.
One day while he was out he found his neighbor Buffalo out grazing in the meadow.
NOW, Mouse was not too happy …
..did not like Buffalo interfering with his gathering.
Buffalo ignored what Mouse had said ..
.. and challenged Buffalo a third time. Finally Buffalo turned his massive head and looking at him said lazily,.
..Friend Mouse, or I will come ..
Mouse’s needling was making him angry.
I am master for I killed one (you’d left off the e)
Lazily, Mouse waved his paw toward Buffalo’s head. “Fine, then. You can have the head too!”
((Within this scenario, it should be suggested that Fox would be slyly circling the mouse as he pretends to be submissive.))
For a moment, Fox looked at the head. Then he jumped upon Mouse who gave one faint squeak and was gone.
As Mouse ran away from Buffalo, he had forgotten if you are proud and selfish, you will lose all in the end.
I don’t understand this last part.
Is this for children or young adult? I think it is a bit grisly of the age is too young. If I recall, I had the same comment about one of your other stories.
I liked the story and its moral.
There are a few spelling errors (the kind the spell checker can’t find), but overall the story flows well and keeps the reader interetsted.
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