I’m Canadian born, but raised a Brit… well spotted! Thanks for your comments.
Short Story / The Little God of Insignificance
In the beginning, when the first particles slipped into being with an audible ‘pop’, God rejoiced at what he had done, and after 6 days hard work, did sit back, a vision of serenity, to watch creation unfold… [Source: The Holy Bible, as transcribed by F. Dribbles, Founder: New Ageing Society of Ethelbridge, Cnn, USA. 1903, p.1]
At least that’s what they’d have you believe. In reality, of course, it was very different. I should know. I was there.
In the beginning, when the first particles popped into being, the void let out a rather loud shriek of amazement. [Earth scientists call these ‘subatomic particles’, ‘super strings’ or even ‘P-Branes’. Given the nature of language (not to mention matter) might I advise you not to rely on labels.]
‘Bloody hell,’ she said, when she had got her breath back. [There weren’t really voices back then, but rather than get into the entire complex problems of metaphysical realities, I’ve put things into terms human minds can cope with. If we had used words, you can be sure the void would’ve used the worst of them.]
The voices in the Void began to mutter uneasily; the matter had not gone unnoticed.
‘Very creative,’ said one, looking at the little whizzing things.
‘Hmmm,’ said another.
‘This could get completely out of control,’ said the first.
‘Which is why,’ said the Void, growing terse, ‘I made a list.’ [The Void is still fond of lists, only now she limits them to 10 items.]
‘Gather round,’ the Void said, ‘My list is all-encompassing, and therefore quite long, so bear with me.’
She had obviously been thinking about this for a while. We duly gathered round, like a congregation of newly baptized infants. It was so exciting. We were so naive.
It seemed everyone would be allocated a job. [I state, here and now, that as were not paid, for job, please read voluntary service.] The Void said all sorts of interesting and wonderful things were going to happen; our job was to keep them out of trouble.
‘What trouble?’ asked one of the voices. ‘You said everything was under control a minute ago.’ [Artistic licence. It was about 10-43 of a second after the loud bang, but as David Darling says p. 28 Deep Time, “it is not the size of a time interval [that matters] but what happens within it.” ISBN 0593018680]
‘It is…’ said the Void. ‘I just need a bit of help to make sure everything runs smoothly.’
‘But you said—’
‘For heaven’s sake, this is Creation* we’re talking about. I never said it would be easy. Things will develop and I have no idea how. Just be vigilant.’[* Creation wasn’t a premeditated act, but it wasn’t an accident either.]
‘Vigilant?’
‘Keep an eye out for them.’ The Void went and sat behind a rather large oak desk.
Astonished, we did the equivalent of gawping, not at the desk, but at the pile of papers on it, stretching 3 parsecs* straight up into the ether. [A photon would take just under 10 light years to fly to the top. Photons only travel at uniform speed, even when we race with them; they could go faster, but don’t like meeting themselves on the way back.] I looked beyond the desk to see a million billion miles of space bellowing into the newly created distance, things whizzing about all over the place, and all in under 3 minutes. [That’s your minutes.] I felt myself getting hot under the collar.
First up was a voice I had spoken to once or twice before. Being new to the whole Creation thing, as we all were, she was very quiet. The Void explained that she would be responsible for marking every event that ever happened, in all places and dimensions. [All 38 of them.]
‘All of them?’ she asked, a little shocked.
‘Absolutely,’ said the Void. ‘You will be known as Time from now on. NEXT!’* [Before names we were all one and the same – nothings in the nothingness – an ocean of droplets. Names changed that. We became distinct; developed individual needs. Good or bad I can’t decide.]
Time looked up hesitantly as she was handed a rather large scythe and a pocket watch, but the Void had already moved on.
‘You,’ shouted the Void, ‘will be responsible for the first force, and shall be known as Gravity. Your task is to monitor basic attraction.’
‘I beg your pardon?’ He looked affronted.
‘It’s in your Guide,’ she said, holding out a rather officious looking navy file. ‘Don’t be such a bloody prude.’
The orders kept on coming, the queue seemingly undiminished. Grand Unified Force, very cleverly managed to split herself into three [For the interested amongst you: Electro-Magnetism, Strong Nuclear Force and Weak Nuclear Force.], and had to be called back and re-issued with the new title of Matter. [I think she may have been overloaded with forces and matter because she began insisting her invisible friend – Aunty Matter – was helping her.]
‘And if anyone else is planning on getting creative,’ said the Void,‘DON’T.’
The next voice up was named Mother Nature. She was argumentative from the off. Ten thousand years later, a fine mist had seeped into every bone; my buttocks were numb from sitting on the hard plastic chairs in the waiting area, while Mother Nature debated the exact details of her role. [* I thought it’d help if I gave you something to visualise.]
‘So you say I am in charge of life,’ [Interesting little phenomena and quite unexpected. See note after next.] she was saying for the billionth time. [This is an underestimate.]
‘Yes.’
‘Could you define life just one more time?’
‘It’s complex, I know, but at the same time, it’s all stunningly simple…’ She clasped her hands together like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music, just before she runs gleefully down the hill, ‘…but as far as you are concerned, anything that has started eating and breeding.’ [Roughly equating to the 7 signs of life; MRSNERG. For those who slept through Biology: Movement, Respiration, Sensitivity, Nutrition, Excretion, Reproduction, Growth (and Death – often hopefully ignored).]
‘Right. So what exactly is this life thing going to be like?’
The Void sighed heavily. ‘I repeat; many forms; each a system that functions respective to other systems. Follow the recipe to the letter and you can’t go wrong.’
‘Okay….’ said Mother Nature, but could just tell she hadn’t a clue because no one else did either.
If the Void had had arms they would have been folded at this moment, with her fingers drumming plump flesh in annoyance. ‘The little things join together. They make bigger things. Still with me? Good. This keeps happening until one day… Time? Do you have an exact date yet? No? Never mind… you’ll know it when you see it. NEXT!’ Mother Nature picked up a huge box-file with her name on it in green Lucida Handwriting, and left, muttering to herself. [The files were like Chippendale catalogues -that’s furniture not stripping- and had other useful stuff like, where to put the first biological life forms (e.g. planets not stars); how to keep different species from wiping other species out (which turned out to be more difficult than anticipated).]
‘Don’t forget those,’ said the Void, indicating a further dozen cardboard boxes, ‘and follow the instructions.’
It would have taken her the whole of existence to read through that lot. Really, I didn’t envy her. I began to feel quite concerned about what I’d be given, but I made a vow that I would accept my lot without argument. I didn’t want to be like granny at the checkout with ten pounds and twelve pence in un-bagged copper.
The next voice was not at all happy with his new position.
‘But I don’t want to destroy stuff,’ he said. ‘What’s the point?’
‘Think of it as recycling… freeing up matter so it can be, well, free again.’ The Void laughed, quite chuffed with her explanation, but Death was not convinced.
Death cast his eye over his dossier. ‘For something you say is perfectly designed, it just seems a bit…’ He swallowed deeply. ‘Like this clause; “Life, may or may not feel pain when dying”. Is pain pleasant?’
‘You don’t need to know about that, ignore it,’ said the Void, rather hastily I thought. ‘Your job is to make room for new life; working closely with Mother Nature, you’ll ensure that all systems can improve and develop with each successive generation…’ She was beginning to sound like New Labour.
I think I drifted off at that point. I’d heard enough. One minute we were all hanging around, just ‘being’ and the next everyone had jobs and a title, and the matter stuff was making itself into all sorts of interesting things. [Proteins are so pretty. No really. They are. Look: http://www.chem.ox.ac.uk/proteins/Cytochromec3.html ]
Still the Void gave out jobs, and there seemed to be new ones all the time, the stack of paper on her desk growing ever taller. I can’t remember who came up with the acronym GOD, but it stuck somehow and now everyone uses it. [GOD stands for Guidance of Duties, and was taken by everyone except, Mother Nature, Time, and Death, who took on Mother, Old Father, and Arthur, respectively. Not to be mistaken for the term ‘God’ humans invented.] There are so many of us I couldn’t possibly name everyone, but I can tell you that Cause and Effect became inseparable and Music got quite attached to Mathematics.
At last, shortly after Keeper of Communication was designated, the Void declared her task complete. [That’s language to you and me.]
I was stunned. ‘Excuse me?’ I said, trying not to sound rude. [Literally.]
‘Yes?’ The Void’s mind was clearly on other things.
‘I don’t have a task.’
The Void turned all her attention to me, which, given how much attention she has, was a bit uncomfortable to say the least.
‘Yes,’ she boomed. ‘Nothing is left.’
I said, ‘There must be something. I’ve been waiting since before Time.’ I hesitated but could not keep quiet. ‘Billions of years have passed. Entire Galaxies have sprung up, and life is everywhere. I’ve missed everything and you give me nothing?’
‘That is correct. You will be the keeper of Nothing.’
‘Nothing?’ It felt like an afterthought, like asking yourself if you’ve left the gas on as you reach the motorway.
‘And… You shall be called… the God of Insignificance.’
I hesitated, trying to accept it. ‘What exactly does that entail?’ I queried.
‘Look. It’s been a long day. Watch all the nothingness.’
‘But you said Insignificance. It isn’t the same.’ Had I a mouth, I’d have clamped my hand over it. I could feel her getting angrier by the nanosecond.
‘You,’ she said accentuating every word, ‘will…look…after…everything…that…is…considered…to…be…insignificant.’ Then she handed me my file; the equivalent of a piece of clear acetate. I hadn’t seen everyone else’s so wasn’t in a position to argue.
‘Now,’ she said, ‘I need a break.’ [It is a well preserved belief on earth that God made everything in six days, resting on the seventh. This is of course utter nonsense because a) creation is on-going, and b) days only apply to those of you who live on sun orbiting planets.]
I kicked my metaphysical heels and chewed at my ethereal lip, but she would not budge. Her word was final.
I decided to make my own list.
1. Spent first few millennia in waiting room.
2. Everyone else has interesting things to do.
3. I have Nothing/Insignificance, which I suspect is little more than a last minute fob off.
4. Where has everyone gone?
Eventually I stumbled across Mother Nature on a newly formed planet right on the outer reaches of the Space stuff, fiddling with a few molecules of something or other. ‘I don’t have time to listen to you now,’ she said. ‘There’s too much to do.’
‘Why?’ I asked. [Okay, I was naïve. Shut up.]
‘Well I followed the pattern for ‘ladder stitch’ really carefully,’ she said, ‘and put life on only 3 planets just like it said… ’ [The double-helix pattern – DNA.]
‘Three?’ I said, unimpressed. ‘And?’
‘It seems to have spread a bit.’
‘Spread?’ I stifled a snigger. ‘How much is a bit?’
‘Just over 6,000,000 billion so far.’
‘Oh dear,’ I said. ‘Have you spoken to the Void?’
‘She’s not answering my calls, and the troubleshooting chapter just tells me to repeat Step 4. Everything’s doing it’s own thing. I don’t know what to do.’ She cupped her face in her hands; sat down heavily in her lab chair. ‘Arthur won’t even speak to me – says he can’t handle causing pain and that delivering souls gives him migraine.’ [A case of evolution over design.]
She looked distracted for a moment, then shrieked as one of the molecules in her hand gave her a nasty nip. I thought she was going to cry but she made a kind of a grimace.
‘Oh what the heck,’ she said, ‘things are probably better without our interference. There’s one thing you could do for me… seeing as you’ve got nothing to do.’ And with that she collapsed into a fit of giggles.
* * * * * *
And so it came to pass that I ended up on your little blue-green rock. I watched as the sludge made itself into eyes, ears, brains; better designs than the originals. [Not to mention quite a few worse ones – look at the poor Halibut.] I traced a zillion journeys through time, watched you take your first slithers out of the oceans, your first upright steps. I even saw you pick up the first rock and embed it into the head of your first neighbour just because you could.
But there is something quite sweet about the way you think you are the only inhabited planet too, and the way that, when you are working well, you show a love and compassion that gives me goose-pimples. And you are full of surprises, what with all your questions.
I have learned to accept that all life forms have a finite span of existence. [Apparently the Void wrote it into the design I’m afraid – even Mother Nature can’t change that.] There is work to do, but mostly I try not to interfere. [*Though I must confess to the re-location of the Dodos and at least three species of Amoeba.] The others, as Gods of Important Things may laugh at me, hanging out on the arm of this insignificant spiral galaxy, but I no longer care. I walk among you eating McDonalds and drinking Coke, and just when I thought I might never see another voice again, I bumped into Arthur only last week, slumped in a darkened corner of a Blues Bar, just outside of what you would call New Orleans. I knew it was him immediately. Only Death would wear a hat like that, but then his is another story altogether.
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April 19, 2007
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Doogy_Rev_Brothers reviewed Version 2 -
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As someone else who gets repeatedly likened to Douglass Adams I enjoyed this, and I’m grateful you accepted my freind request so that I’d have a chance to review it. What you have created here works well in so much as it manages to be both entertaining and educational, I’ve an interest in what you write about, and I would imagine that this would pique the interests of others who read it. It’s a (to my knowledge) fresh and original way of looking at creation.
The only thing I’d be tempted to change would be the bracketed segments – although I can appreciate why they’re there I felt that they detracted from the flow a little, making your style come across more text-bookish and less informal. It might be the effect you were going for – I don’t know.
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trinybean reviewed Version 2 -
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I gave this a ten. It’s immensily creative and super intelligent. I don’t know if you plan on expanding this idea but I think it’s fantastic. Well done.
Jay1989 reviewed Version 2 -
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Great story. You had me interested until the very end. The way you described how everyone was assigned different jobs like Mother Nature and Death was a great idea and great writing. I also liked your scientific evidence like superstring theory and I liked how you showed that god couldn’t have made everything in six days.
But I must say, when reading this, the way you describe everything, particularly the Void, was a bit confusing. I realise you were trying to give the reader something to visualise. However, you describe the Void as sitting behind a desk, therefore giving it physical qualities, and then you write “if the void…flesh in annoyance”; this seems, in my opinion, contradictory.
The way you ended it with the Insignificant God seeing Death sitting in a bar outside of New Orleans was a great way to end the story I felt. 8.
Daniel_rain reviewed Version 2 -
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Very interesting piece. I would say it is hard to do thid kind of thing any better than Douglas, but that should not stop people having a go.
Good stuff.
capteucalyptus reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked it. Very Douglas Adams-y.
December 10, 2006
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good read. i think this had the potential to become confusing, but good job here. reminiscent of that douglas adams sort of humour. i enjoyed the british characterization of the Void – was it intentional or are you just a brit?
kudos
December 09, 2006
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AtlantaCarter reviewed Version 1 -
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Laughs aloud. I liked that. It’s cynical tone was just perfect. There are a few grammatical things, but they are insignificant so I’ll ignore them.
The one thing that I think does need attention is the footnotes. Rather than making your reader look down to the bottom of the page for the interesting asides, write them into the text as you have all but done here. It really works better to me.
I think you should also italicize the quote at the beginning. Then you can leave the attribution right where it is.
Great job!
ccwitkus reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi.
I am entirely completely, delightedly even, amused. This is cute. It’s funny. Clever even. And death in the bar for the end, perfect.
I wouldn’t call this a new idea. I would call it a funny rendition of the old idea – certainly funnier than Genesis. I like the void, I like the ideas of duties, and, more than anything, I like that we god the God of Insignificance. I think this could make a nice short story series for you.
What weakens this piece is 2 things. First, it needs to be edited, both for style and grammar. There are definitely some rough sentences in there. I want to presume that people can do their own editing (because I want the same courtesy from my reviewers). If you want more specific tips or places, let me know.
The other problem I see are the footnotes. For fiction, one, footnotes don’t tend to be part of the package, although that means almost nothing, but in this case, I don’t think you need them. I think it reads just fine with the diversions in the text, and, in fact, I think they add to the voice being in the text. That’s just my two cents on the matter.
Hope this helps. Leave me a comment or shoot me an email if you have further questions or things you want to discuss (or on the editing thing).
-cc
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