Poetry / Strange attraction

When I was growing up my grandfather use to sing (and edit) old sea shanties, and their beat always had a quiet, solid pounding to them.  Your poem strange attraction, unearthed that deep in the earth sound, or the constant pound of the waves to me.  I also liked that you did not get sophisticated with your language (as I sometimes do).  You never lost me.

Yet, I as a reader wanted to know if you sang that song, or if you got all hot and bothered without satiating the melody.  I am intrigued with the conclusion, but I’d rather see the room cool down because of a risk taken, than see the mercury pop out of the end of its channeled glass. As a reader, I want the climax, not the hesitation (or holding back) of the climax.

Nice, simple treatment of a question everyone has experienced.  Good job.

pretty well thought out i would say. and the texture of the words you used was rather intiguing to me. i think it would have been better if you would have put more detail into it, and almost described what this attraction was.

The very clean lines of the poem (in an architectual sense) is nice, giving little sense of disorientation or pressure (good or bad, depending on your intention). The simplicity of the lines are nice, somewhat flat as far as sensuality goes or emotional discourse, but there is much to be said for concision of ideas.

The abtract imagery of the poem- well, I feel an ambivilence. On the one hand, if I understand what is going on, and I think I do, it is very concise (a plus) and good. But, again, if I understand, the passe attitude of the discriptions lacks the thrust and grip that heavier discriptive analogy or pictures could carry.

This poem is like a crisp salad- it’s good, it’s light, it’s well put together, but goddammit, I’d really like to have that rare steak I ordered.

The ending is the strongest part of this poem, crafty in its implied metaphor of human action being like a song, interesting in its rhyming inquiry.  It finishes the piece off well.  However, your opening suffers.  Your double-spaced line structure causes the reader to really look at your short opening phrases.  They have a neat cadence, but end up seeming rote.  I cannot say that phrases like “tendrils of lust” is totally prosey or recycled, but nor can I get completely excited by three phrases like that in a row (in their own separate lines on top of it).  Certainly a modern poet cannot easily get away with evoking a metaphor with the word “spark.”  So that is my objection.  I like the cadence, the rhymes, the ending.  Your opening needs to grab more, and along these lines I think of Marianne Moore as an example of a poet who highlighted powerful ideas with the psuedo-playfull line structure you are going for.