sigh. i’ve been avioding writing this story. i wrote more but my files got deleted and i have just refused to rewrite because i have been mad at my computer. but i will soon.
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Young Adult / Shoes You Never Want To Wear -half of chapter one?
She was the girl that I betrayed. I befriended her for a story, and what a hell of a story it was. I would make millions, and now looking at her dead with a dagger through her heart, I realized I had destroyed what was left of her life for my own amusement. Her open eyes glazed over with death, pierced into my heart like the dagger in her own. Metaphorically speaking of course. The long locks of her golden hair lay spread on the ground wreathing the cold terrified face of the girl I used, as the dark red taint of blood seeped into it. Her blood was draining out of her body like a river of no meaning, draining down toward was I was standing. As it touched my hundred dollar shoes I didn’t move. I had to face the death that was caused simply because I was bored. I had pushed an already broken girl to kill herself, and I felt nothing. No sympathy or remorse. Funny, I would have thought that an event like this would have changed me. I should feel something about this poor girl’s life; I should be crying or something. But all I could think about was how I would have to go out and buy new shoes. Pity. These shoes were from Italy. In a way it’s ironic. Lilly always wanted to die; I just never thought she would die by her own hand. She could be so poetic at times. It was supposed to be a cruel joke to me, I hated when she would get all sentimental and sensitive. But I couldn’t stop staring at her eyes. They were filled with emotions that I could never comprehend. Emotions that would drive me insane. Maybe her death was affecting me. I doubt it though, nothing a shrink can’t fix.
Chapter 1
Starting a new school is never easy, well that’s what others would say but for me starting a new school was almost a daily thing. Daddy’s business required him to move around every six months to make sure that everything was running smoothly. And of course being his only daughter he couldn’t bear to have me be more then five miles away from him so were he went I went too. I had the choice of whether I could be tutored or if I was to go to public school. Of course there was the option of private school, which daddy was leaning heavily toward, but at private school there were only the same type of people, which can be very boring.
There were the trust fund babies, such as myself, that life was completely boring for. And of course it is, you basically do the same thing every day, which is why we are so into drugs. Makes life much more exciting. But between the trust fund babies there are two kinds also. The new money and the old money. The new money kids were the ones that were married into it. They weren’t born with it, so it isn’t there’s by right. The old money, which I am proud to say that I am of that category, inherits their money. So it is rightfully theirs. And then there are the kids who are there on full scholarships and are there to make sure that they can make something of themselves and have a future. Which is quite pathetic, they really have no clue that they don’t belong. Those kids are the kids that no one talks to and ignores. And of course school is easy for us because our parents donate a large amount into the school, and if we happen to get a bad grade daddy’s checkbook might stop producing checks.
That was how private school went, when you showed up. But that’s not what I wanted. I already knew what I wanted to be, unlike more then half my peers in my social class. They were just concerned with the drugs they were going to do that weekend. And if you’re smart you think and plan your future out and then go do the drugs that weekend. No, private school was not for me at all. And I could not stay with the same person everyday, I despise people.
I remember watching the news one day when I was ten right after I decided that I wanted to be a writer, and the leading anchor said how there was a shooting at some school in suburbia. And I remember thinking that would have been a great story. And I knew then that I had to go to public school. Daddy of course refused and told me that I couldn’t be put into a public school because it would ruin my educational career. But when I kept pushing for it he finally gave in. I always get what I want in the end. You just have to learn to be patient, and you have to learn that when you strike it needs to have a meaning and a purpose, so even if you fail you will prove a point.
Public school was just as I thought it would be. There were so many different ethnic backgrounds, and so many different clichés. It was so exciting like in a jungle. I guess the only reason I thought of it like that was because I was in a different environment, one that I didn’t know at all. I couldn’t manipulate people as easily because they didn’t know who I was and what I was worth. And that would be difficult. But daddy always said that people were consumed with their wants, and in the end it would control their every move. That’s how I learned to manipulate people. I would find out their wants. Thrust it under their noses and just when they thought that they could have it, it would be gone and only a sad memory.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this but it still comes off as the typical rich girl going to private school stories. Like many other books or shows used the same things to separate private from public school. Also how the dad has a job that requires them to move a lot…why never the mom ? Other than that…I like the beginning the most…that part got me into the story. I like how we dont know if it takes place before or after she starts at the knew school.
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MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
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I must say this is very good. If you ever seen Gossip Girl this story concentrates in the blogger. I’m interested to see how the story goes from following an inspiring writer. Into the writer causing somebody to kill them selves. You did a good job getting out this character’s feelings about this school and previous schools. Overall it’s a good story that gives us the ending and make us try to figure out how it all happens.
gymchik104 reviewed Version 1 -
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“That’s how I learned to manipulate people. I would find out their wants. Thrust it under their noses and just when they thought that they could have it, it would be gone and only a sad memory.”
You are a very good writer. Your character seems real. Yay! You are in the shoes of your character and it shows
cliches?
clique?
idk.
Great Job!
:)
JD
sundaygirl reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, this is a great beginning. There were times when I felt like I was reading about characters out of my own story. I love the premise and it sounds like its going to be an interesting take on the typical coming-of-age story with grittier, more captivating elements. So far, the descriptions are great. Maybe I’m raving because this is sort of my cup of tea, but still, I do think the writing is great and I can’t wait to read more. When are you putting more of this up?
swanpatronus reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked the descriptions in this story, and the way it drew me in. I really want to know what happens next, and what the events that led up to the prologue were. Keep writing on this one!
Equibabe611 reviewed Version 1 -
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This 89 word review has not been unlocked.
Itacelis reviewed Version 1 -
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This was an amazing piece of cold, calculating manipulationg. I loved how the narrator knows what buttons to press, how she seems to be such a snob, but yet she’s got her own plans and thoughts. There is an arrogance and heartlessness that makes her a villain, but I wonder as I read it if there will be a revelation later that will change who she is for the better or whether she will remain as she is.
I like the imagery at the very beginning, the metaphore there is a strong one.
Great work!
blacktiger reviewed Version 1 -
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This is rather good and you should continue writing.
This opens with a strong engaging first sentence which is important to draw the reader in. The first person perspective gives it a sense of immediacy and awareness.
However, you need to clearly define whether the character is sympathetic and remorseful or sarcastic and cruel. The narrator is certainly ambitious and exceptionally vain, so it might be delicious to play the character from the ‘o my God what will people think of me’ standpoint. If so, the narcissism would probably sweep away any sympathy as the victim has potentially ruined her life. Feelings like hatred for the dead girl would bubble through rather than remorse, she might even physically disrespect the corpse. Think of some imaginative way and then have the narrator chastise herself for looking so nasty.
How about rewriting it from a perspective where the narrator is trying to convince the reader that they are ‘a nice person, really’ despite the death of the girl. It would instil a fear of being betrayed in the reader which will add to the tension.
The effect would be much darker, if you can pull it off you will create something great rather than something good. An author who excells at this is Margaret Atwood, if you haven’t yet, pick up Cats-Eye, and see how she handles it.
One final comment- ditch the ‘metaphorically speaking’ the reader has already guessed that and it comes across a bit preachy.
Keep at it.
Raz reviewed Version 1 -
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Personal experiences, huh?
You do a great job incorporating your voice into this piece. I can almost picture you manipulating someone, haha.
Even though it’s unfinished, it’s not bad. I’d like to keep reading, but there’s nothing there.
Someone_knows reviewed Version 1 -
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I definetly think this is going to be really good as it carries on. I was thinkng maybe I was going to like the character at first, but then the bit at the end where you learn about her manipulative side put me right off lol. but its good to hear the story from her perspective, makes it very interesting. will definately continue reading it.
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