Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Awakenings: the beginning (Analysis)

         Another dead body. Tonight just wasn’t his night. Julian Stone stood inside the warehouse and stared at the sight before him, running a hand through his long black hair in agitation before shutting down and becoming all business. The stench of death, blood and terror hung ripe in the air, a proclamation of the pain and torture that had gone on. But Julian was used to it.  Death had become something second nature to him.  The man Julian stared at hung in the middle of the warehouse, dangling amongst the tires and pieces of cars from what appeared to be some sort of a  hook that was punctured through his chest. His head hung lifelessly, the blood from the wound in his chest and his ravaged neck had nearly stopped dripping. Julian knew the body would be cold, stiff, and lifeless. They always were with the victims from this one.
         He saw the markings of a crudely drawn pentagram underneath the victim and his mouth tightened. It looked as though the blood from the victim had been used to create a circle of power. Blood magick. One of the most deadly and lethal. Not all the blood from the body was on the floor though, there wasn’t enough by half. He paused outside the circle, then taking a deep breath, walked through being sure not to step in the blood. His eyes caught sight of a name tag, ‘Joe’ it read. ‘Well Joe, it appears as if tonight was just not your night either. But I guess in the end, I’m doing better than you.’
         His eyes narrowed as he studied the entrance wound at the neck. If you could call it that. Most of these cases he saw, he found the council calling them entrance wounds somehow morbidly humorous. But he knew better than to tell anyone from the Council anything related to what he found humor in. Besides, he doubted anyone would actually think him funny. Who would think that someone who tracked down full fledges and had the highest success rates in kills would have a sense of humor? His cell phone rang and without thought, he answered it, still studying the savage tears at the neck and caught sight of several different entrance wounds.
        ”Stone here,” his voice sounding gruff in the empty building.
         “Stone, what have you got?” Marx Henderson asked.
        Julian fought the urge to shut the phone without answering, but knew it was never wise to act rashly. Centuries of survival had taught him that. Besides it wouldn’t do any good. After so many of these incidents that the Council was trying to cover up, if they hadn’t figured out that this whole idea was a bad one, they probably would never figure it out. How many dead bodies did it take for men to stop aiming for powers that should never be attained? The Powers That Be always balanced things out somehow. That was one thing about being an Awakened; after so many centuries, many became arrogant. Then again, men were arrogant to begin with.
        ”Dead, like the others. This is the second victim I found tonight. We also have several entrance wounds, different sizes, at the neck. Either our boy was overzealous or we have more than one Full Fledge and they are working together.  I’d be betting on the latter though,” he replied as he took hold of the body and began looking for any markings along the entrance wound at the chest. He wasn’t worried about leaving fingerprints. His kind never did.
        ”There appear to be several bites along the wound on the chest where a hook punctured through, but I can guarantee it took a little time before this guy died. I’d say we have at least two Full Fledges,  maybe three, from what I can tell from the bite marks.”
         “Full Fledges do not work together Stone, you know that,” Henderson chastised. Stone took a deep, quiet breath before speaking.
         “With all due respect sire, the last ten bodies across the states have had multiple bite wounds of different sizes, obviously from at least one Full Fledge, and several bite marks from something else. I would almost wonder if he’s not trying to awaken someone else.”
         “A Full Fledge wouldn’t know how to awaken someone, Stone. It’s not possible.”
         And I’m telling you if you have a better explanation, I would love to hear it. All I’m telling you is that the bites are different radius’s. Take it or leave it, but that doesn’t make it any less true. But we both know what a Full Fledge is and the difference between us and them isn’t all that different. And I’m not saying a Full Fledge is capable of awakening anyone, only that from what I can see, it was attempted. I’m staring at the markings of the ritual right now Henderson.”
        There was an uneasy silence, then Henderson’s voice came across. “Does it look like it was done correctly, Stone?”
        Give me a second,” Stone said, then squatted down and looked. Just the pentagram drawn in blood, no runes, no other markings or symbols. He stood back up and closed his eyes, feeling…feeling…yup, there it was.  ”No, he didn’t do it right, but he definitely drew down power. This was supposed to be a blood sacrifice, Henderson. I’m sure of it. It has that feel, that taste to it. This Full Fledge is attempting to awaken someone.”
        “Are you sure Stone?” Henderson asked quietly.
        “Have you every known me to be wrong Henderson?” Julian threw at him.  
        He was greeted by more silence then a quiet admission, “No”.
        ”Alright, you know what to do, clean up the site and we’ll discuss this later.”
        Henderson hung up before Julian could answer.  With a sigh he clicked the phone shut as he carefully made his way out of the circle. He glanced around and caught site of the hose off to the side and turned it on.  He sprayed along the ground where the pentagram had been drawn, the blood mixing with the water, turning light pink. He continued to spray until any remnants of the symbol were gone and could not be deciphered.
        Taking off his jacket, he walked to his black Porsche and threw it in, then took out the can of kerosene and his lighter. He walked back up to the body and began spraying kerosene on the body without any remorse till the can was completely empty. Throwing the can carelessly to the side, he lit the lighter, placing it up against the body until it caught the flame. He then turned away from the scene, the scent of burning flesh and blood overpowering  He stepped into his car and closed the door.  He gave one final glance to the sight of the man, now engulfed in flames, staring as though attempting to memorize the scene.  He sighed in what could have been weariness  and with a turn of his key in the ignition, the car’s engine started up with a soft purr.  A squeal of tires resonated throughout the warehouse as he backed out of the building’s entrance and sped off into the night, damning the council and their mistakes the entire way.  Tonight just wasn’t his night.

        Ravyn kept her body loose in her defensive stance as the fist came swinging towards her face. All noise and distractions receded as she fluidly blocked the hit and rolled onto the floor before proceeding to jump back up. She swung her arm out towards her attacker, hitting the man solidly across his back. With a grunt, he fell to the mat face first. She smiled, a bit of fang flashing, and continued to be on her defense as he slowly got up and turned to glare at her.
         Ravyn felt the excitement building as she regarded his heavy breathing, his swings that were wavering. She hadn’t even broken a sweat yet. The pungent scent of his growing agitation overloaded her senses making her eyes darken in reaction. She began to collect herself, prowling around the man with dangerous glittering eyes and a half cocked grin, looking for the winning opening.
         “Jesus, Ravyn, how bout giving a guy a break?” he panted out, swiping away some sweat from his brow, all the while being sure to keep his stance and guard up.  His dark brown hair that usually hung down around his face was slicked back into a short ponytail.  He pushed it back, never letting his eyes off of her.
         Ravyn didn’t know what had gotten Johnny here to the Institute.  He was introduced into the training, like so many others, one day, without warning.  She had been about sixteen at the time. Though he was not the best in the Institute at hand to hand combat, he was excellent with weapons recon.  Supposedly, he had gained that knowledge from some well known terrorist cell in the middle east, but Ravyn had yet to find out if this was merely rumors or based on fact.  
        “Now Johnny, why would I go and do that, darlin’? And ruin you’re losing streak,” she replied cattily back, her eyes flashing a deep brown in her excitement, then she let out a hiss as she spun with her leg out, making contact this time with his stomach. She landed graceful as a cat as he fell to the ground with a loud thud. Letting out a groan, he turned over onto his back, but did not get up. His arm slowly lifted in defeat then fell back onto the mat and the few onlookers began clapping and whistling.

~
        Unknown below, two onlookers watched and discussed the proceedings from the above window that overlooked the workout ring. One of the men had on a white lab coat that covered a lean if somewhat aging body. His hair had started to turn silver, giving him a somewhat distinguished look. His mouth was thin, his face slightly gaunt. But it was his eyes that captured your attention. There was something almost there, an insanity carefully held at check, that one could miss if they weren’t looking right. He watched the proceedings with a fanatic-filled gaze and what one would almost have to describe as pride. The other was in a tailored Italian suit. Sunglasses covered the man’s eyes, which given the dimness of the room, was probably more to help cover the scar over his right eye and upper cheek. His hair was jet black and long, tied in the back into a ponytail neatly, his lips full. He had a predator’s body, ripe and lean. Standing besides the doctor, he watched the proceedings, eyebrow half cocked as he studied the girl.
        “She’s amazing, Doctor. The way she moves, the animalistic nature. And I would never believed it about her eyes if I hadn’t seen it myself. She’s everything you said and more.”
        “I know. We still can’t pinpoint a medical reason for her eyes changing colors. The only thing we’ve been able to establish is it happens every time her mood shifts. No one else has eyes like those here.  Regardless of her eyes though, she’s truly come into her own embracing both sides.”
        “And how have the tests been?”
        “They’re through the roof. She uses more brain activity than anyone I’ve ever seen that has been awakened. Her psychic abilities are beyond parallel. It’s quite remarkable. None of the other subjects to date have shown the potential that she does.
        “She’s ready for a trial run, Dark.”
        “Are you sure? We can’t afford any more losses. We’ve spent too much time and money on this. And you remember what happened the last time. It was an absolute bloodbath in which we had to clean up your mess. We can’t afford doing that again, Doctor.”
        “I’m sure. She believes everything we tell her. We had some trouble initially.  We’ve never encountered anyone like her before.  She also, as you know, had a problem with authority, but we’ve taken extreme measures to curb that. And now, Ravyn exists as you see her before you, she hasn’t even reached the peak of her true potential. This one is special. She’s going to surprise you. She’s going to surprise everyone.”
        “I believe you doctor, though it’s taken some convincing for my superiors to. But they’ve decided to give you a chance, or should I say, give her a chance. You do understand that Henderson was the main one on the council pushing for the termination of her? He’s the one you have to convince the most.
         “Along with him there are three others, Bins, Wadely, and Matthews. Parker, Lancing, and Gardner were, and  still are, dead set against it. Stone is a wild card. Some of the council members are losing their trust in him, ever since the incident with Michael. What a disaster that turned out to be, and what a waste. I’ve actually never trusted Stone fully myself; he was too young to be allowed on the Council in the first place.
         “Regardless of my views, the council is torn over this Doctor. There’s a lot of conflict that this project and that girl is causing.”
         “Henderson and the council are idiots with half a brain. I understand what she represents and I also understand who is hoping for her failure. But she’s going to prove them all wrong.”
        “For all our sakes, I hope so doctor.  And don’t underestimate the council. More than one person who’s done that has regretted it. They can make or break you. Here’s the new mission files. We’ve placed her at the head of the operation. Be sure you brief them on a need to know basis. I don’t want any more incidents like the ones before.”
         “I understand. She really is something isn’t she?” was the last thing said with more than a hint of admiration. Both men continued to watch as Ravyn took down yet another opponent unaware that she was being scrutinized.

~
        Ravyn finished the final practice fight and after putting Liz on her back, she placed her hand out and helped the young woman up. Liz had been in a part of the Institute for as long as Ravyn could remember.  She had been a Crazy Eight for a few years, but was still considered a newbie of the group.  She had a regal sense about her.  Her hair which was honey brown and wavy, pulled back into a tight bun.  She was tall, five foot ten, and lean.  She worked hard to keep the build and tone that so many in the Institute only dreamed of. Her eyes were the only part that you’d realize she had some Asian descent.  They were deep brown and slanted, catching your attention immediately. Ravyn knew she was not one to say much unless needed.  She was well known for her computer genius and helping to reconstruct better and more efficient weapons.  Rumor had it she had hacked into the wrong system and that was what got her sent here.  The government was not very forgiving when you hacked into top secret files and blackmailed certain elected officials.
        Liz smiled and shook her head.  “Nice job, Black. Same time, same place tomorrow?”
        “You know me, always willing to kick  you’re ass again,” Ravyn laughed.
        “We’ll see, Black.”
        Ravyn nodded in acknowledgment of their usual banter after each fight as she made her way off the mat and towards her things.  She sat on a nearby chair and began unwrapping the tape from her hands and wrists, tossing them into the garbage can.  Grabbing her bag and towel, she made her way to the showers, flashing a smile to the few people she passed who congratulated her.  
        Setting her things down, she turned on the water, placing her hand underneath.  After finding the right temperature, she removed her clothes piece by piece then stepped underneath the hot spray, her bunched muscles relaxing a bit at a time.  Closing her eyes as the water cascaded over her body.  She took a deep breath, trying to calm her racing pulse, as steam billowed around her, unnoticed.
        Regardless of her casual appearance, her cool, calm exterior, she had been on edge all day.  The past couple of days actually.  The practice had helped to ease some of the agitation, but not enough.  It was those damn dreams again.  She’d been having them for the last couple of weeks and although she didn’t know why, she had not reported them to the DA, something completely unheard of.  The DA was the Dream Analysis group who, if any in the institute had a dream, they were to report it immediately, no matter how silly or embarrassing.
        For some reason, Ravyn seemed to dream more than most, though no one could or would tell her why.  She usually reported every day to them.  But for some reason she couldn’t begin to fathom, she had not reported these that she had been having lately, telling the DA random dreams she had had in the past instead.  She didn’t even want to consider what would happen if they ever found out.  As far as she knew no one had ever done that.
        The dreams always started out the same. There was a long shadowed hallway which she was slowly walking down. The walls were dim, with no distinguishing markings.  She could hear someone crying, wailing, but could never pinpoint exactly where it came from.  It was everywhere and yet nowhere.  Whoever or whatever it was scared her, terrified her in fact, and she would begin running.  Slowly at first, then faster and faster.  As she would get closer to the end of the hallway, she would catch sight of a door with a large mirror covering it.  Encircling the mirror was a dragon eating its own tail.  
        Her reflection was there, staring back at her with a look of intent.  Her chest rising and falling.  Her long jet black hair, which was usually in a tight braid, flowing in a river of waves down her back.  Her lips were full and parted, her sharp fangs glinting in the light.  Her breath was coming out in short, quiet pants.  Her eyes flashing a deep smoky gray.  The crimson gown clung to her tall willowy figure like a second skin, the lengthy skirt whispering against the floor.  Hanging between the bodice’s low neckline was a stone, a crystal she couldn’t place, but thought was some sort of ruby.  It was encircled by a silver dragon, beautifully crafted and detailed.  The stone was clenched between it’s hands protectively, wings outspread proudly.  It hung from a delicate silver chain.  She glanced down and caught sight of a ring on her left hand, her marriage finger.  It was in the shape of a dragon like the one in the on the mirror, swallowing it’s own tail, it’s eyes glinting red with the same stone that was dangling from her neck.
        She broke her gaze from the ring and looked back up at her reflection as she slowly reached for the doorknob, turning it.  As the door swung open, she would immediately see all the mirrors.  The room was covered with them from top to bottom, ceiling to floor.  And on each one was a reflection of some woman she couldn’t recognize, her mouth open in a silent scream, her face a wave of agony and terror.  Then slowly the image would change, and it would be herself, screaming…always screaming…
        Her eyes would land to the middle of the room where there was a font, with a rock in the middle.  ’Not a rock,’ she thought to herself, ‘not a rock, but a stone.’   A stone dripping something red.  Against her will, she would slowly make her way towards it, the sound of her heels making a loud click with every step.  Her hand stretching out, touching it. It would always  come away covered in blood.  The urge would come, as it usually did at the coppery scent, the urge to lick the crimson away, but she suppressed it quickly.  
        “Ravyn…” A man’s voice like none other that she had ever heard would whisper in her ear. “Ravyn…”  She would turn quickly, but there was never anyone there to see.
        “Show me who you are.  Please, show yourself to me,” she would yell out, falling to her knees, tears coursing down her cheeks at the feeling of aloneness that swept through her. She was alone, always so alone…
        “You’re not alone, Ravyn.  I’m here,” the voice whispered in her ear again.  Warm, strong arms embraced her, yet no reflection ever showed in the surrounding mirrors.  But it never mattered here, in her dreams.  Here, with him, she felt warm, warm and loved.  Her body recognized his.  Here, she wasn’t alone, but accepted.  She sighed and leaned into him knowing he would be there.  She fit within the arms as though she had been made for them.
        “Would you give of yourself, Ravyn?  If I asked, would you give of yourself to me, fill your life with mine?  Would you recognize your own heartbeat, pulsing beneath my dark heart?  Would you recognize yourself, be who you were meant to be?  Would you remember blood?”
        “Would you run from yourself?”
        Then he would be gone, everything would disappear, and she would be left alone calling out to him.  She wasn’t understanding what he was trying to tell her but knew it held some significance that she needed to understand for whatever was coming.
        And that was how she always woke up, yearning.  Feeling a restlessness coursing through her veins.  She knew without looking that her eyes would be a deep smoky gray, more animal than human, her fangs lengthened.  The dreams always brought out a side of her she usually hid well, knowing nothing would come of it but more tests.
        She would meditate, calming herself, channeling her center.  It was getting harder and harder to do though.  The words of one of her mentors came to her mind.
        “I want you to truly look into yourselves, look deep into each of your souls, the heart and center of who you are.  Find that calmness there, that inner peace of who you are.  The blood is not a part of that.  The blood is a need, but can also be a weakness, a primal urge that should be suppressed as much as possible.  We are different from Full Fledges because we know this.  We accept this.  We do not lose ourselves to the Shadowlands.”
        The Shadowlands were a place where Ravyn knew no sane person would want to go, where Full Fledges overran.  It was a place that lived up to it’s namesake, filled with darkness, pain, and evil, which was no surprise considering how monstrous Full Fledges were.  Senseless creatures with no thought as to light or goodness, just violence, death, blood…evil.
        So why were her urges getting worse?  Why was she having dreams which brought about this need for blood more and more?  And who was the man who was there then gone before she could see a face?  And why the hell wasn’t she telling the DA about these dreams?
        Ravyn shivered, and coming out of her thoughts, she realized she had been standing underneath now ice cold water.  ’Why the hell was she asking herself questions while standing in freezing water?’ With a shake of her head, she turned off the shower, wrapped a towel around her body.  She grabbed her bag and walked up to the mirror.  After taking the extra towel out of her bag, she dried off her hair and then began to brush it through, staring at her reflection in the mirror.  The words from the man in her dream reverberated through her head.  Did she know who she was?  As she stared into her own eyes, she realized that no, she did not.  She was looking into the eyes of a stranger.

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icedsapphire avatar General Stranger

June 03, 2008

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May 13, 2008

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May 09, 2008

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April 09, 2008

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April 06, 2008

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April 06, 2008

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starhammer1 avatar General Stranger

April 04, 2008

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starhammer1 reviewed Version 3 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really liked this story, and from what I have read from it it reads very well and does an amazing job at keeping the reader’s attention. I’d like to go out on a limb and tell you what sort of grammatical errors were made and so on and so forth, but I really didnt notice anything right off the bat that made me say “Hey look, this shouldn’t be here like this.”

So basically, what I’m trying to say is good work and keep on doing what you are doing.

metaphoricalsimile avatar General Stranger

April 04, 2008

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annana avatar General Stranger

April 03, 2007

annana

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annana reviewed Version 3 - Read 100%% of the Item

I enjoyed the fluidity of your writing, though on occasion you included excess words or phrases. Not often, but your prose would be stronger without them.

_But Julian was used to it. _ – Leave out the “but” and perhaps join this statement with the sentence following it.

_become something second nature _ – leave out “something”.

_His eyes narrowed as he studied the entrance wound at the neck. If you could call it that. In many of these cases he saw, he found the council calling them entrance wounds somehow morbidly humorous. _ – This is an example, where it could be simplifies as something like: _His eyes narrowed as he studied the wound at the neck. He found the council calling them entrance wounds somehow morbidly humorous. _ – It breaks the style of short, bald statements a bit, something to create a bit of variety, avoids repetition of the joke, and belabouring of the fact he has humour, something you mention in the next few lines as well.

_what he found humor in _ – “found humorous”

After so many of these incidents that the Council was trying to cover up, if they hadn’t figured out that this whole idea was a bad one, they probably would never figure it out. _ – this line is confusing. Maybe something like: _After so many of these incidents, if the Council hadn’t figured out trying to cover them up was a bad idea, they probably never would.

_I’d be betting on the latter though, _ – Drop “though”, it is another of those little qualifiers or additions that weaken your statements.

You have a number of places that you could drop words or phrases usefully, and a few other places where repetition of words or phrases isn’t necessary and doesn’t add to the story. Things like:
_onto the floor before proceeding to jump back up _ – this could have been “before jumping back”
_His dark brown hair that usually hung down around his face _ – the repetition of “his” is unneeded. “The hair” would be fine, since it is “his face”.

Going to the story itself, you establish things about fledges, Awakening, and the relation with the Council without “telling”, and that’s excellent. You have a nice balance of letting the reader know enough to avoid frustration, without letting everything out. It feels like natural use of terms by those familiar with them. You have a very cinematic style that some people will like, and others not. It’s fine, as long as the prose works generally. You will want to differentiate it from movies like Blade, Underworld and their ilk, since you draw heavily on their tropes. Most people who would read this will be fans of the genre.

_Unknown below, _ – “to those below”
_a predator’s body, ripe and lean. _ – I think “ripe” may be the wrong word.
_it’s taken some convincing for my superiors to. _ poor phrasing. “to do so.”
_pushing for the termination of her? _ – “pushing for her termination?”
  There are many such little errors. The whole piece needs polishing.

The description of Liz is the first part that was noticeably bogged down in “she was” they were”. Work to make this more active.
She worked hard to keep the build and tone that so many in the Institute only dreamed of. _ – Be careful of statements like this. I’d guess your institute is out of _Nikita, full of martial artists of various types, and so all would be quite fit. Women don’t necessarily envy the “pneumatic chick” and statements that they do will turn off your female readers.

The dream sequence is actually the best part of this, crisp, lively prose and a cleanness of statement.

_where Full Fledges overran. _ – poor syntax. “that Full Fledges overran?”
_It was a place that lived up to it’s namesake _ – I think you mane “up to it’s name”, unless you are referring to some undefined place the Shadowlands were named after.

Very good. I think you have a reasonable chance of publication, but the prose will need polishing.

Ozzymandias avatar General Stranger

March 27, 2007

Ozzymandias Prolific-icon-medium

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Ozzymandias reviewed Version 3 - Read 100%% of the Item

The opening sequence is very well-writien, however it was confusing because the character mentioned is different from what you mentioned in you notes for the reviewer.

Then it abruptly goes into the sequence with the main character. Maybe these should be arranged or something to separate the stories.

I feel you have a very good story, it just needs some organization.

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SanityDreamer

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Loc: Baton Rouge, LA
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