Stage Play / Just Pawns In A Game

(Lights up on TWO CHESS PLAYERS on a platform above the stage.  A US flag
hangs above one, a Russian flag hangs above the other.  One PLAYER sets a
pawn down and hits the timer.  An unseen ANNOUNCER mumbles something
unintelligible that sounds more like static.  Lights down on CHESS PLAYERS
and up on the chess pieces BOB the Pawn, PHIL the Bishop, and Knight SIR
CHARLES III on the checkered stage below.  CHARLES is kneeling with his
sword in front of him.  BOB and PHIL are standing on their squares)

                BOB
2B or—?

                CHARLES
Not 2B—

                PHIL
That is the question.

                BOB
How does he expect us to hear him when he mumbles like that? Numbers,
that’s all we are around here.  “2B, B2” I hear it in my sleep!

                  CHARLES
Oh great one above—

                BOB
My name is Bob, you know, but do you think anyone could care less?

                PHIL
I could.

                BOB
No! It’s never, ‘hey, Bob, how’s it going?’

                CHARLES  
—bless this sword of mine—

                BOB
How’s the family?

                PHIL
I totally heard 2B. Or maybe not. I’m pretty sure he said a B—

                CHARLES
—that Thou hast giveth me to swingeth in thy time of need.

                BOB
It’s a conspiracy!  All of it, I tell you—

                PHIL
—It coulda been a C, D, E, or G, but most definitely not an A or an F.

                BOB
Numbers and letters, that’s all they care about!

                CHARLES
And blesseth this great horse, for which I rideth on, whilst swinging thus
sword that—

                BOB
When I was growing up—        

                CHARLES
—I have now asked of thee—
        
                PHIL
It couldn’t have been an H either.  That “huh” sound, it’s just not the
same—
         (keeps making H sounds)

                CHARLES
         (emphasis on the “h”)
—to blesseth. Thou knowest—

                BOB
Eight kids!

                CHARLES
—my lovely horse Noble and I—

                PHIL
The “eeeeee”, now that’s the important part there. See—

                CHARLES
—wilst always—

                PHIL
—you gotta e-nun-ci-ate. BEEEEEE—

                CHARLES
         (overlap)
—Beeee true.

        (Done with his ritualistic blessing, CHARLES stands up, re-holsters
         his sword, and pats his horse’s head)

                BOB
Our parents never once forgot our names!

        (CHARLES situates Noble, the stuffed horse around his waist, and
         prepares to jump)
                
                PHIL
I forgot my name once. But it wasn’t really my fault, see, we were playing
on the roof, when I was about 6 years old…

        (There is a loud GONG NOISE, and they are all silent)

                ANNOUNCER
I said, Knight B1 to C3.

        (pause)

                CHARLES
         (bows)
Gentlemen.

        (BOB sighs, and ducks as CHARLES takes out his sword, jumps over
         BOB, takes one step forward, and one step to the right in an L-
         shape, then puts his sword back in its sheath)

         (pause)

                BOB
        (sighs)
I hate my job.

        (PHIL, sighs, takes off his hat and pulls out a lollipop)        

                PHIL
        (handing BOB the lollipop, comforting)
Bob, Bob, Bob…
        (pause)
Bob-Bob-a-ran…Ha, I never realized—
        (Bob glares at him)
Sorry.
        

                BOB
        (rips off the wrapping on the sucker and gives it a fierce lick)
I hate being a pawn.  I just stand here all day, take a step, stand—It’s
only one meaningless square at a time…

                CHARLES
Bob-a-ran! Ha!  That’s a good one.
        
        (PHIL and BOB stare at CHARLES, who takes out his sword and
         practices swinging it. PHIL just shakes his head and BOB licks his
         lollipop again)

                BOB
Don’t you think there’s more to life than just a big black and white
checkerboard? What are we even doing here, it’s all so…
        
                PHIL
Monochromatic?

                BOB
Pointless!

                CHARLES
        (stops in mid-swing, very serious)
Whoa, hey now.        

                BOB
Sorry, Charlie—

                CHARLES
        (covers his horse’s ears)
That was uncalled for.

                BOB
        (sarcastic)
I mean, sorry Sir Charles Wilson Ives Manchester III.

        (pause)

                CHARLES
Uh, I’m confused.

                BOB
So am I.

        (Pause, then Charles, shrugs, grins, and pulls out his shield,
         pretending to block an unseen assailant)

                PHIL
I think Charles meant “God does not play dice with the universe”.

        (BOB stops in mid-lollipop-lick and just stares at PHIL.  The
         lollipop falls from his hand)

                CHARLES
        (still dodging fake sword blows)
That’s right, he plays checkers.

                PHIL
Uh…no.

                CHARLES
        (stops and looks at PHL)
Monopoly?

                PHIL
No.

                CHARLES
Dungeons and Dragons? Scrabble?

                PHIL
That’s me.

                CHARLES
Oh yeah.
        (goes back to “fighting”)

                PHIL
Anyway, like I was saying…

                CHARLES
Candyland!

                PHIL
Yes.

                CHARLES
Really?

                PHIL
No.

        (stumped, CHARLES puts away his shield, tapping his foot as he
         thinks)

                BOB
        (looks to Heaven)
Why me?

                PHIL
Dude, I’m just sayin’ we all have a purpose even though we might not see
it.  I mean, my purpose? I’m a bishop, I wear a pointy hat stuffed with
emergency comfort candy, and move diagonally on black squares all day.        
        (he moves a few squares then comes back)
I may not like it, but I accept it.  Charles here, he’s—

                BOB
Phil, did you just call me Dude?

                CHARLES
I believe he did.

                PHIL
Dude, I call everybody Dude.

                BOB
You’re 35.

                PHIL
I may not like it, but I accept it.

                CHARLES
Phillip is right Bob.  You shouldn’t focus on the negatives.  Take me for
example.  I’m a knight, I can only move in L-shapes.  At first it was a
little disconcerting, especially when I started school and went out for
track…

                BOB
I must be losing it, I just heard Charles say “disconcerting”…

                PHIL
He has his moments.  Now, back to the positive.  Look at Charles…again.

        (BOB looks at CHARLES and frowns as CHARLES pulls out a brush and
         begins combing Noble’s mane)

                         BOB
OK…?

                PHIL
Well, since he can only move in L-shapes—

                CHARLES
I took up tango lessons.

                PHIL
He took up—
         (stops, surprised)
What? No way.  

                BOB
         (sulking)
My wife hates that I can’t dance.

                CHARLES
Yes I did.

                PHIL
This I gotta see.

        (CHALRES shrugs and tango music begins as he takes one step forward
         with his left foot, then swings his right foot up to spaces and to
         the left one.  He brings his right foot down on the same space as
         his left, does a quick spin, then does the same thing in another L-
         shape, before going backwards in L-shapes to get back to his
         original square)

                PHIL
Impressive.
        
                CHARLES
That’s not quite it, but…        
         (nods to the sky)        

                PHIL
Right, orders from above.

                BOB
Not helping.

                PHIL
Sorry. We’re just sayin’ that maybe you should chill a while. Wait for your
moment, and enjoy the time you have.

        (Gong)

                ANNOUNCER’S VOICE
Pawn—
        (BOB perks up)
D7 to D5.        
        (BOB scuffs his foot, frustrated)
                
                BOB
What’s so special about him?  It’s just because he can let the Queen out
isn’t it?  
        
        (PHIL and CHALRES freeze, sensing BOB’s oncoming angry explosion)
        
                PHIL
Oh no. OK Dude—
        
                BOB
        (becoming very angry)
Isn’t it?

                CHARLES
Deep relaxing breaths, BOB…
        (demonstrates)
In and out.

                BOB
        (leans across and grab PHIL’s collar)
Isn’t it!
        
                CHARLES
        (still breathing)
In…and out…Think happy thoughts.  
                
                BOB
If I ever get over there…
        
                PHIL
        (struggling to stay on his black square)
Charles—

                CHARLES
Deep…cleansing…

                BOB
Those pawns better just watch out!

                PHIL
        (flailing wildly, tries to shout for help, but BOB tightens his
         grip)
H—        
        (cough)
Air?

                CHARLES
        (pulls out a mirror and checks his hair, alarmed)
Is it bad again? This new gel I’ve been using, just doesn’t—
        (PHIL takes off his hat throws it at CHARLES’ head, candy falls
         everywhere)
Oh! Air!

        (CHARLES puts away mirror, takes out his sword and horse’s brush,
         attaches the brush to the end of the sword, and stretches out to
         slap BOB in the back of his head)

                BOB
Ow! Sorry.
        (lets go of Phil)

                PHIL
        (gasping for breath and readjusting himself)
No problem.
        (begins gathering up his candy.  BOB and CHARLES help. None move
        off of their square)

        (Gong sound starts, then suddenly becomes a wild mixture of random
         noises.  The noise finally becomes slo-motion distorted and tapers
         off with a record scratch and a warped cow’s “mooo”.  BOB, PHIL,  
         and CHARLES all look confused.  The gong sounds—right this time—
         and they all shrug)

                ANNOUNCER’S VOICE
G7 to G3.  White Queen takes black pawn.

                BOB
Ha!

                CHARLES
        (takes out his sword and salutes)
Our beloved Queen.

                PHIL
She’s on a roll today!

                BOB
Sometimes I wonder why we even have a King.

                CHALRES
What do you mean?

                BOB
What does he do? Stand around all day looking important, while his wife is
out running the world!  
        
                PHIL
They do say, “Behind every great man—”

                BOB
Is a woman to push him over!

                CHARLES
Or to catch him when he falls.

        (PHIL and BOB are surprised by CHARLE’S remark and take a moment to
        let it sink in)
        
                BOB
It takes forever to get anything accomplished around here. Here we are,
risking our lives to protect the King, and whenever he’s in a little bit of
a trouble, he runs!

                PHIL
        (wryly)
One very slow step at a time.

                BOB
And here the Queen can go wherever she wants, whenever she wants, on
whatever colored square—

                CHARLES
Hey now, I’m sure it’s not easy running the world.

                BOB
The point is, she can run if she wanted to!

                PHIL
But it doesn’t seem like she likes it very much.  She hardly ever has any
time to rest.          
        (gestures to the empty space beside him)
She’s almost never on her square…

                CHARLES
You know, I quickly learned in track that it wasn’t always the running—

                BOB
        (groans)
OH, here we go with the track again.

        (Gong)

                ANOUNCER
C1 to H6 Bishop takes Rook.

                PHIL
Well my friends, duty calls.  
        (puts on his hat and adjusts his robes)
If I don’t come back—
        (tips his hat)
See ya on the other side.

                CHARLES
        (gasps)
You’re joining the Russians?

                BOB
I don’t think that’s what he meant.

        (PHIL laughs as he begins to move diagonally across the black squares)

                PHIL
Later, Dudes.
        (follows the black squares off stage right)

        (CHARLES takes out the brush again and starts to hum as he combs
        Noble’s hair. The gong sounds again.)  

                BOB
That was fast.

                ANNOUNCER
Black Queen D8 to D6.

                BOB
Surprise, surprise.
        (pause, then lets out a long sigh)
My life is so meaningless!  The routine is killing me!
                
                CHARLES
Maybe you should get a hobby.

                BOB
A hobby?

                CHARLES
Right.

                BOB
I don’t know.  I mean, you have all your knight stuff, swords, shields, a
horse with freakishly nice hair…

                CHARLES
It’s a homemade conditioner my mom cooked up when I was a kid.        
        (pulls out a bottle and offers it to BOB)

                BOB
Uh, no thanks.

                CHARLES
You don’t know what you’re missing out on.

        (CHARLES continues grooming his horse. BOB gets restless)

                BOB
        (uncomfortable)
Hey, Charles, have you, uh, ever thought seriously about dying?

                CHARLES
Are we still talking about hair here?

                BOB
No.

                CHALRES
Well, then yes.  I’m a knight, it’s what I do.

        (CHARLES puts away his brush and takes out his sword to inspect)

                BOB
You spend all day thinking about dying?

                CHALRES
Not on the weekends.

                BOB
What do you do on the weekends?

                CHARLES
Tango classes.

                BOB
Of course.

                CHARLES
Although sometimes—

        (CHALRES  gasps)

                BOB
What?

                CHALRES
Phil!

                BOB
No, Charles, I’m Bob, remember?  I know sometimes when you get knocked on
the head too hard—
        
                CHALRES
No, Phil’s in danger! He’s on H6, the Russian Queen—
        
        (BOB gasps as the gong sounds)

                ANNOUNCER
Bishop H6 to D3.

        (PHIL and CHALRES relax as PHIL enters again, his hat off-balance
        and his clothes askew)

                BOB
Phil!

                CHALRES
You’re all right!

                PHIL
Guys, we have a totally big problem.

                CHARLES
        (holds up his sword and shield)
Noble and I are willing to sacrifice ourselves—

                PHIL
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

                BOB
So, what’s the problem?

                PHIL
Well…it seems as if we may be tinkering on the verge of the Big C.

        (BOB and CHARLES let out panicked gasps)

                BOB
Already?

                CHARLES
No!

                PHIL
I’m afraid so.

                CHARLES
Not the Big C!

                BOB
Charles, calm down.

                PHIL
It’s not The One yet, but it doesn’t look good.

                CHARLES
        (starts putting on his armor)
Anything but the Big C!  
        (pause)
Wait, we’re talking about a ch—

                BOB
NO!

                PHIL
        (simultaneously)
Don’t say it!

                CHARLES
OK, just making sure.

                BOB
OK, Phil, what have we got?

        (PHIL snaps his fingers and a wipe-off board is rolled onto stage.  
        He picks up the marker and begins drawing a play-by-play)

                PHIL
OK, we’ve got our Queen here, G3 and their queen is still at D6.  We’ve
lost a few pawns—

                BOB
Who?

                PHIL
Jerry and Sal.

                BOB
Ah, not Jerry and Sal.

        (CHARLES takes off his helmet as a solute)

                PHIL
Your uncle’s still hanging in there, Charles.
        (CHARLES sighs with relief as PHIL begins drawing wildly and all
        over the board)
But Anthony, the Rook, he’s in trouble.  He’s gonna have to sacrifice
himself if the Russian Queen moves here—Wait.  If one of their knights is
heading over there…and all our pawns on that side of the board are gonna be
pretty much gone…        
        (the board is now a mess of markings.  BOB and CHALRES stare at it,
        unable to make anything out)
Ok, never mind.

                CHARLES
Where’s the king?

                PHIL
A few spaces behind the Queen.  G1.

        (The gong sounds, and everyone freezes)

                ANNOUNCER
Pawn B2 to B4.

        (PHIL and CHARLES stare at BOB, who is still staring at the wipe-
        off board)

                CHALRES
Uh, Bob…

                BOB
        (studying board)
What if Charles went here—

                PHIL
Dude!

                BOB
What?

                PHIL
That’s you!

                CHALRES
You’ve been called to go.

                BOB
Now?
        (panics)
I can’t go now! And not B4, that’s suicide!  Their Queen, she’s got a
straight shot!

                CHALRES
        (sniffs sadly)
Now’s your moment, Bob.

                PHIL
Dude, you still have a chance.  Our Queen’s totally got your back.  If
theirs tries to…um…

                CHARLES
Kill you.

                PHIL
Their Queen’s goin’ down!

                BOB
But I don’t want to die! I’m fine right here.  I’ve still got so much to
do! People to see, hobbies to take up. Charles, your tango teacher, she
teach anything else?  My wife, my daughter, maybe—

        (CHARLES lays a hand on BOB’s shoulder)

                CHARLES
Bob.

        (BOB sighs.  CHARLES gets down on his knees again)

                CHARLES
Oh great one above, blesseth this—

                BOB
        (smiles)
No, no, Charles, it’s ok.
        (BOB takes one very cautious step forward)

                PHIL
Bob, wait a sec!

        (PHIL takes off his hat and pulls out a lollipop and hands it to
         BOB. BOB is truly touched)

                BOB
Thanks, Phil.

                PHIL
No problem, man.

                CHARLES
Bob my friend.
        (pause)
God does not play Candyland with the universe.

                BOB
        (shakes his head ruefully, nods, takes a deep breath, and steps
        onto 4B)
No He doesn’t.
        
        (BOB licks his lollipop, and smiles as the gong sounds and the
        lights fade out on the checkerboard, up on the CHESS PLAYERS, then
        fade to black)

THE END

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