Thanks, that’s exactly what I was going for. I will go back and correct that, I didn’t even realize the capitalizing issue. I had to retype it from a notebook so it was done quickly. Thank you for the very insightful review, I really appreciate it. You got what I had hoped to get across and that’s very satisfying. (sorry it took so long to open the review, been hard at work lately)
Short Story / Imagine The Non-Existant Girl
This prison without bars holds me. Loneliness. It has a TV and a refridgerator. A computer connected to the outside world. Friends are accessible. Food is there. But it holds me. It taunts me. Its laughing at me.
Loneliness.
You would think after all these years I’d accept it. But all it takes is the one you’ve been after to say she wants you. Yeah. She wants you but she isn’t here. Time. It takes time. But time is my enemy and it says “Never is your time.”
Never.
I argue with it. It laughs playfully arguing with me in my mind. “What? Be serious.” but I am. I’m so serious. If time had a face I’d smack it. I’d rub it in the dirt and stomp on it. Kiss your imaginary face goodbye, time. You aren’t welcome here unless you’re a friend. You haven’t done shit.
Goodbye.
But it isn’t that easy. You can’t tell time to go away. It may pretend to be gone but it’s always there. It might let itself fly by and then it might go slow. But it never goes away. Just like loneliness. It pretends to be gone, but it’s there. It’s waiting to creep out and grab ahold of you and pull you under into it’s darkness and keep you below where no one can reach you. It’s there.
Pretending.
I dreamt about her before all this. In my dreams she was beside me. Holding me and laughing at my jokes. Then she came. I’d be lost in her eyes and she’d kiss me for hours. Happiness. It’s like gold that it can be spent. I spent my happiness on her. Each time I come in to some happiness I will spend it on her. I’m saving up. I’ve got a little happiness in my safe. My safe is my heart. The combination is her. Her touch, her kiss, and her eyes. She’s my key to everything.
Happiness.
So time and I argue. I tell it, “Let this be the hour she surprises me from my doorway. Let this hour be the one she tells me she’ll be by my side for every hour after. Let this be the hour!” but the door never opens. Time silent. Time wasting me away. Time is a bastard. Time is high fiving Loneliness and they both pretend to be gone, cause they’ve got Happiness locked in the closet and it’s never coming out. Never. Until she opens the door. Then Happiness can kick the shit out of them and get it’s revenge. Nothing could be better.
Love. It’s what got me here in the first place. Love is another one of those things. It’s not always there but it never taunts and it never laughs at you. It keeps you warm when it’s there and brightens you up. Makes you whole. Love only comes around when another person does. It comes around a lot with her and it leaves with her. It leaves sadness behind as it apologizes just before she disappears. She has to open the door. I need her to. Her and Love make happiness free. This means so much. Everything.
She means everything.
Waiting here for her isn’t just waiting. It’s fighting. Fighting the urges to kiss her, hold her, keep her close, keep her warm. To go save her. But just because she thinks she can’t be saved and I can’t force her. I try to convince her. She isn’t quite convinced. I have to let her come to me. She has to want to. She has to make it happen. She has to open the door. I’m waiting. Just for her. Fuck you Time, I’ll wait forever. Happiness will kick your ass someday.
Someday.
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TheChick reviewed Version 1 -
Read 33% of the Item
This is very intresting.
It presents alot of tangible feelings and emotions but its title, ‘imagine the non exsistent girl’is a paradox to this because ‘imaganing’ and ‘non exsistent’ is something that you cant grasp.
This whole story seems very sad especially with the spark of hope at the end which could just as easily be blown out.
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c2darad reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay first off I’m going to tell you what I absolutely loved. I loved the way you seperated the paragraphs with a jolting one or two word sentence. It was as if you were reflecting on your own feelings as you let them fall from your mind, which I somehow could really relate to. I find myself doing that when my mind is wondering, I will stop and sort of paraphrase what I just thought of with a couple words. What you did totally captured that and that was awesome. Also I absolutely loved how you capatalized the words of the key aspects in the premise such as time and love. Reviewers might tell you it’s ‘incorrect’ but don’t listen. The rules to writing aren’t as stiff as some people like to make them out to be. It’s great that you did that. Okay now the one thing I didn’t like is how you didn’t capatalize the words through out the whole piece. You did sometimes, but not all the time, and that made it seem like it was a mistake. I imagine it wasn’t because it’s really brilliant, so make sure you stay consistent with your style through out the whole piece. :) Your style is really unique and poetic. I loved this.
Magical_Realism reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a pretty interesting piece, with a lot of emotion and feeling, but the problem is that overall it is so very vague that it doesn’t really present the reader with much more than that. But the general nature of the piece could work if you consider it maybe a flash fiction. But with this piece I often leave with more questions than answers, and I feel it needs more substance to it. A couple of technical problems would be associated with word choice. Some words are repeated a lot (Time I understand because it’s for emphasis) but some other words I find coming back in a lot, and it sort of takes away from the power, also, “kick your ass” seems out of place in this piece, too informal in my opinion for the narrator’s voice. Other than that, a great start, it’s decently written and just needs a good polishing. Good luck.
December 19, 2006
Deleted User
Review of Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Wow! I love this mostly because I can relate to the frustration! Its true at times you think that time is just there to annoy you. You want soemthing and time is slowly making its way and testing your patience. And I like the part how you paint a picture of Loneliness and Time as partners in crime hi-fiving each other. Great piece, don’t change a thing! I loved it! =-)
barbeecain reviewed Version 1 -
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yay… i am routing for happiness! I really like the personification of emotions and Time. I enjoyed reading it and could certainly relate to it’s message.
SJFoss reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this piece of writing. It’s so profound, so deep and you write with such intense feelings and thoughtfulness. Wow. I love how it starts off with a sort of melancholic tone, and then towards the end it’s like you have won victory over a long battle. Very inspirational. That’s all I really have to say lol. I’m pretty much speechless. Someday I hope to reach your level. Keep it up.
Take Care and God Bless,
Sarah Joy
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