Next thing you know you’ll be doing a rendition of Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, such as Atwood’s Procedures for Underground.
Cheers!
Short Story / The Underwater Girl
The first thing that Daniella noticed when she awoke on that very ordinary day was not that she was completely immersed in water. The first thing she realized was that she could see soles. She blinked heavy eyelids twice to see more clearly. Yes. Thick bands of rubber pressed against smooth glass. She could see the shoe size: women’s 7 ½. They were kitten heels—one tiny round circle of plastic and then a teardrop more, with tiny horizontal lines running across it: treads. She wondered if the glass was slippery. Maybe it wasn’t glass at all. Maybe it was ice. The soles were light brown.
When she could see more clearly, Daniella noticed a second pair of soles. Thick rubber treads and a broad heel—men’s shoes. Then another. There was a crowd standing above her. Air bubbles cascaded past her face as muffled voices and laughter reached her from the surface, and the thought suddenly occurred to Anita to look around: darkness. Well, not complete darkness. Light filtered through the glass and edged its way down as far as it could struggle through the water in little piercing lines, but it didn’t get far enough to make the water seem bright. Mostly, though, there was darkness stretching to either side, and unfathomable darkness below her. The darkness made her nervous, so she tapped on the glass.
In that darkness she imagined all kinds of unimaginable monsters. She imagined them with glowing eyes and wild hands that would grab her by the ankles and drag her into the depths, tear her mind from her body and leave her shivering on the surface of an apocalyptic nightmare. She imagined tears in her bra straps and sneering faces. She imagined blame, humiliation, anger and regret. She imagined the back seats of cars at night, overlooking the vast ocean. She imagined herself at sixteen and her mother’s dreams of domesticity: white picket fences, pearls, and other clichés. She imagined closed fists, angry words and impossible demands; cheap perfume, acrylic nails and bottled blondes. She imagined whores and sluts, virgins and angels.
Above her, the soles moved around aimlessly in circles, bits of food and splashes of red wine occasionally adorning the glass floor: brilliant explosions of red amongst the ever wandering shapes of footprints, and the shifting lines—hems of flowing dresses. Modern art. The muffled laughter grew louder. Daniella pounded harder on the glass.
She felt the crushing pressure on her lungs but didn’t realize that it wasn’t her heart sinking. She had her eyes fixed on the dancing soles, her ears captivated by the muffled voices and the laughter of people who weren’t about to die.
As anyone would in this situation, Daniella opened her mouth to scream, and cold liquid cascaded down her throat to quench her parched lungs and kill the oxygen that allowed her brain live out its most secret desires. There was a ladder two feet to the right that lead out of the water and into fresh air, laughter, and revelry. But on that very ordinary day, Daniella drowned.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Sparkles reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
“The first thing that Daniella noticed when she awoke on that very ordinary day was not that she was completely immersed in water.” This sentence doesn’t make sense. Do you mean that she was not in water, or that she is and didn’t notice? It would read better as “When Daniella awoke on this perfectly ordinary day, she neglected to notice that she was completely immersed in water” or something like that. I think you definitely have something here and I am intrigued enough to want more.
- add/view comments (0)
Pritsos reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Interesting perspective on what I believe is meant to be a young woman’s cry for help, but in the end doesn’t decide to do anything about it anyway? I found your story well done, but the shoes thing kind of threw me off. Things like splashes of wine and food were better for description on the people walking over her. I don’t really know why for sure but the shoes thing doesn’t do it for me. It takes the story in a direction you don’t want it to go, where the reader is at that point where they’re thinking “When is this part going to be over so I can get to the next one.” Just food for thought, other than that though I felt that it was a well done piece. Good job.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
That first sentence seemed a bit awkward, probably because it’s written in the negative.
In the middle of the second paragraph you called her Anita.
Very Atwood-ish – i.e., Surfacing, This is a Photograph of Me. Thematically, this is beautiful and sad. Very well done. Mechanically, there are a few awkward bends in this story that need to be hammered out.
With your opening it is unclear if she’s below looking up, although that is what I imagine here. It comes clearer in the second paragraph, but I think a subtle hint as to direction in the first paragraph is needed.
You are too vague in the images of cast of monsters and the trappings of society. These run through the third and fourth paragraphs, but they’re a bit too disjointed. You make your reader do too much work here.
The fifth paragraph creates the dissonance with Daniella and the life above her, but the last line is too leading. You need something that ties to the image of her dissonance from society (the world above her).
”...her brain [to] live out…”
What are her secret desires? You’ve told us what she dreads (vaguely) but you haven’t told us what she “wants”. That needs to be drawn into that sixth paragraph, or lead above somewhere.
Don’t change the end.
Cheers! Thanks for sharing.
Showing 1 - 3 of 3
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
3 Reviews 1 Comment
Version 1
Latest Activity: over 2 years ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 20 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Ratings & Rankings
