Thanks, I got some mixed opinions on the detail others seemed to think it wasnt enough. its a judgement call I think but I do see your point.
I appreaciate the clarification on the versed used in church, I am not a reugular to service and in turn a lot of the terms were beyond me.
I just wanted to have a story with two guys one that is clearly anti religion and the other that wants to have faith but is having a diffacult time with it.
Thanks for everything.
Gavinswasr
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Short Story / Holy Water and ammunition
Frank passed through the arch that served as the entrance, walked down the side of the isle and slid into the pew next to Gavin. The priest was reciting ‘Our Father’ from the front of the gothic cathedral. The room was small, with high ceilings that came to a peak in the center, and a raised platform at the front where the priests performed their antiquated rituals. The walls were like those of any other church- adorned with murals of Christ and other religious symbols. Just below the ceiling was a stone trim with inscriptions chiseled into the granite. Gavin guessed that the inscriptions were probably in Latin, although he wouldn’t have been able to tell for certain since he didn’t speak it anyway.
Candlelight flickered on the walls of the dimly lit church playing with Gavin’s eyes, and the low mummer of the worshipers reciting their prayers echoed through his head. He was in the last pew at the back of the small church kneeling down in worship. Frank sat in the seat next to Gavin, uninterested, and thumbing through the book of verses like it was a magazine.
After the prayer was complete, everyone resumed a seated position and the sermon went on. <“So you really think this will work?”> Frank asked skeptically as he slouched back in his seat.
<“It’s all about faith right? So I figure it’s worth a try,”> Gavin replied, using his internal comlink so that only Frank could hear.
<“I tend to put my faith in more tangible things,”> Frank snapped back, using his arm to indicate the bulge in his jacket.
Gavin cast him a sidelong glance, <“Just let me get through this, okay?”>
<“Sure, why not? You think we should just grab a chalice, when no one is looking?”> Frank asked, half seriously.
Gavin scowled and glanced at him in disappointment. <“No, we wait till the mass is over then ask the priest if we can have some. What is wrong with you?”> He snarled, not wanting an answer.
<“Sorry, devoted one.”> Frank continued to leaf through a bible coolly.
The mass continued for about twenty minutes, and then came the ‘offer of peace’, where everyone in the cathedral rose to shake hands with those around them. “Peace be with you,” “Peace be with you,” Gavin repeated again and again as he shook hands with the people near his pew. Frank was leaning back in the pew with both hands in his pockets, unimpressed with the show. When the man in front of him turned around and extended his hand in a gesture of goodwill, Frank stared him down and shook his head. The man looked perplexed and started to say something; Gavin quickly grabbed his hand and gave him the blessing: “Peace be with you.”
. <“You could at least participate,”> Gavin said internally to Frank, who made an even bigger show of leaning back and looking around the church.
<“I hate to set unreasonable goals for myself,”> was all Frank said in return.
When the mass was over and churchgoers began to leave, Gavin and Frank sat patiently, waiting in silence until the last person exited. The priest emerged from a confessional booth in the corner of the small room and made the sign of the cross, glancing at a statue of Christ.
“Are you going to ask or should I?” Frank chided, using his audible voice instead of the comlink.
Gavin got up and walked towards the front of the room to greet the clergyman. He bowed his head respectfully. “Good evening, father.”
The old priest offered a warm smile. “Good evening son, how can I be of service to you?”
“I need to bless something, and I would like some holy water,” Gavin responded.
“Do you have the item you want blessed here with you?” the priest asked.
“No, I’m afraid I don’t,” Gavin said, with a sigh and a shake of his head.
“Well you may splash some holy water on it, but you’ll need a priest for there to be an actual blessing,” the old man replied in a hearty tone.
“In that case, I guess the holy water will have to do. May I have a cup?”
“What do you intend to do with it?” the priest asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.
“I would like to bless my house with it,” Gavin lied quickly.
“I think it may be best that you go to your local church then. You don’t sound as though you’re from around here.”
“Perhaps you’re right father, I’ll try that,” Gavin said, trying to hide his disappointment.
<“No go Gavin? I’ll talk to pops and you get some of your coveted water.”> Frank advanced and stood behind his fellow Agent, waiting for the priest to notice him.
“If you’ll excuse me,” the priest muttered to Gavin as he turned his attention to Frank. “Good evening son, may I help you?”
“Yes father, I wanted to know a little about this church’s history. It’s very beautiful, and I’d like to know its story and how it came to be here,” Frank said as he shook the priest’s hand warmly and did his best impression of a Good Samaritan.
“Ah, I’m glad you asked- it is a beautiful place of worship,” the priest answered as he glanced around with appreciation at the dark stone that accented the rich wooden pews. “You see, this place was a bit of a secret of the manor. The designers of the original manor had this wonderful church built entirely within the confines of the larger building.” He pointed to the plate glass windows that opened up at the front of the room over a large statue of Christ. “You see those magnificent windows? They may look like functioning windows, but in truth there is another wall of the manor just beyond them. The entire church is quite literally within the manor itself. In the ceiling is a skylight that allows light to filter in during the day, but it’s still quite dim, so additional floodlights between the walls illuminate the windows as you see now.”
“Why would anyone want to hide this place from the sun?” Frank asked, pretending interest in the story to distract the priest. He was doing his best to keep the holy man immersed in his history lesson and his eyes away from Gavin, who had grabbed a paper cone cup from a water dispenser at the back of the room and filled it with the holy water.
The priest continued. “You see, when the current owners of the manor bought it nearly fifty years ago, this church was hidden behind a solid wall. The original lord of the manor, a despicable man named Jasper, had decided to wall up the door. It was a very convincing bit of masonry, and no one seemed to know about the church for many years. Then one day a contractor working on the roof got curious about the skylight that seemed to open onto nothing. So he climbed in- breaking some of the stained glass as he did, I might add. They discovered this jewel of a church, which had been hidden for so many years.”
<“Got it,”> Gavin told Frank on the comlink.
“Well father that’s a delightful story, thank you for sharing it,” Frank said with a grin, as he began to edge away.
“Is there anything else I can assist you with?” The priest then quickly hinted “When was the last time you went to confession?”
“It’s been a long time, and there have been quite a few sins committed since then.”
“The Lord forgives all, my son. Please, let’s step into the confessional booth and free you of these burdens.” The priest looked directly into Frank’s eyes, asking him to accept the Lord’s will.
“No, I don’t think so father. I have done these things of my own will, and worse than that…”
“What is it? What is so bad that you think you cannot be forgiven?”
“That I have no intentions of stopping,” Frank said grimly, as he slowly made his way out of the church.
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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He would have needed to read latin, not speak it, to read the inscriptions.
Try making Frank appear as though he is a simple tourist, not a good samaritan, as he is offering no good deed here,
I enjoyed this piece, and I am curious as to why you removed it from its original work. I thought that the scene played out nicely.
The only confusion I had, and maybe this is answered in your larger work, is how do the comlinks work. I have never seen one that didn’t require for one to speak some how. Just curious.
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trav8434 reviewed Version 1 -
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“in the center, and a raised” This comma cuts off the remaining portion of the sentence, which needs to be connected.
“he didn’t speak it anyway.” The vast majority of people versed in the Latin language don’t speak it at all at.
“mummer” Murmur?
“uninterested, and thumbing” Either the comma or “and” should go.
“pretending interest” “feigning” is better here.
““That I have no intentions of stopping,” Frank said grimly” Thus far, Frank doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who admits to willful wrongdoing “grimly”. Maybe he would give this last bit of dialogue “matter-of-factly”, or maybe just let the reader take his/her own interpretation of Frank’s mood during/after the statement.
Very interesting, despite its brevity. The two characters don’t strike me as playing the good cop – bad cop stereotype too much, which is good considering that that stereotype and many of the others so persistent in these types of stories really take away from things in general. Here, it didn’t bother me at all.
I’m not sure what kind of critique you want, given that this is a deleted excerpt, but do understand that it was compelling. It left me wondering about the rest, so to speak.
Tola reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting piece of writing with an unusual beginning. The two men in the Church waiting for the service to be over is a clever beginnning and there is mystery there too. Some of the dialogue is very good and believable and we get a sense of the difference in temperament between the two men.
There is a little too much detail of the service and the shaking of hands and who is doing what when and unless the details of the hidden church have another reference or importance within this narrative, there again is too much detail. You never want the reader to think ‘So what?’ and with this much detail it’s a danger.
You could simply have the priest lead one of the men around pointing out inscriptions or stained glass or even going to confession but the detail of the Church, as I say unless it has value in the tale, I would leave out.
Some grammatical errors there too, some of which I have listed below. Otherwise, a good draft. Keep it up.
isle – aisle
‘our father’ – Lord’s Prayer
raised platform – altar, dias
didn’t speak it anyway – anyway is redundant ‘he didn’t speak it/read it/know it
worshipers – worshippers
kneeling down in worship – in worship is superfluous, you’ve just told us they are worshipping in the previous sentence
book of verses – book of verse/prayer book
continued to leaf through a bible – he didn’t continue if he didn’t start. Is he still leafing through the prayer book/book of verse?
good evening father – Father
ilegalimex reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting piece, although, if it’s cut out of your book, I’m not sure what you may want to do with it. I feel like it’s very unfinished without some other context around it.
As far as italics on Urbis, surrounding the text you want italicized with two underscores works (see?). One thing that bothered me was the line “The walls were like those of any other church- adorned with murals of Christ and other religious symbols.” Not that I was offended, I just saw this as sloppy writing. As I read on, it was obvious this was a Catholic church, which is very different from a Protestant one. A Baptist church in the South can look very different from a Presbyterian one in Jersey, which can look still more different from a Greek Orthodox building in Athens. To make this better, I’d say pay attention to the details, otherwise, it comes off as amateur, for example referring to this place as a “cathedral”, when you called the room small earlier. Catholic cathedrals are usually grand places, especially if this was in any western country. Details!
Thanks for sharing this, I hope I helped.
indigorax reviewed Version 1 -
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I certainly wanted to read more. If it was extended, it could stand as a short story on its own. Lots of novelists write short stories concerning characters in existing novels, so it’s definitely doable. You don’t even have to explain about the comlinks either, there’s enough information there for it to hook the reader without needing any technical information.
This was incredibly well written. Gavin and Frank’s characters are well drawn and completely credible. The only thing you could possibly watch for are the speech attributes (“he said with a grin”, “lied quickly”, said grimly” etc). The dialogue is good enough not to need elaborating with unnecessary tags. Trust your writing here, trust the dialogue.
This piece left me with many questions, all of them good: what are they up to? Why do they need the holy water? What sins has Frank committed and why won’t he stop? Is the church important? etc etc.
If the rest of the novel is this interesting – and as well written – I look forward to reading more of it. Excellent stuff.
Shelby reviewed Version 1 -
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I want to know more! This was written with sarcasm, humor and a serious tone. I like the mixture of the unknown in their silent language and intent, and the strictness of the church and what it represents. The writing is lively and strong. It left me both impressed and curious.
damadelmuerte reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m very curious to see what Gavin does with the holy water, since this whole scene is based upon it. Great work on this piece. Your characters are well developed, the flow of the plot is smooth, and you have a good use for details. My advise, though- whether you use italics or the <>, I think you should take out the quotation marks, as that indicates something’s being said rather than thought.
December 31, 2006
Deleted User
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Like all of your work, this left me wanting more. I’m assuming by the title that the holy water was to bless a gun, so I guess they’re vampire hunters or something of that nature. You said you’d cut this part from the novel you were writing and I don’t think you should.
capteucalyptus reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, now I’d like to read the rest of the story. You did a good job of establishing some things about the character by showing them (Frank’s lack of faith) instead of telling them. The church idea is also pretty intriguing.
Magical_Realism reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very interesting and witty. The descriptions are well done and the characters are interesting. My only problem, and this is really nitpicking mind you, is the use of descriptive tags on the end of quotations, such as “chided” or “sneered” it’s not that they are necessarily bad, but I personally like to simply use “said” so that the quotation delivers the desired emotion itself or the use of actions as a tag. I can’t comment much on the general plot of the story or anything because as you said this is an excerpt from a larger piece and not anything by itself. You obviously are very talented, good luck, and I hope to see more.
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