Of course I would like to know any flaws. I mean your review was very not to the point about anything and we only become better writers when we find out what mistakes we have made.
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Short Story / Untitled - a work in progress
Sitting behind closed doors at his desk in the darken study, Davey sat glaring at the hand written papers spread out in front of him. Some time had passed sense he had looked at these hand written accounts of his life. They were not of any importance to anyone. The told of no major events in his life or anything like that. Instead, they told of a darker side of him, a side that only a few had been allowed to see. It was the sexual side that he had reserved for these papers, the side that he had all but forgot as time went by, the stories of his youth.
The room was almost completely dark except for a small desk lamp which gave a soft glow to the top of his desk. The window on the northern wall, one of only three windows in the room, was open to allow a breeze smelling of rain enter the room. Davey’s head started to go blank. He had been looking, studying these papers for what seemed like days. He hated what he had been through, yet he wouldn’t have changed a single moment of it. The papers told of sexual lust, women, and the ones that he would never remember.
He picked up his pack of cigarettes and took one out. He had been smoking for too long, yet he felt like he was not quite ready to quit just yet. He reached to open the top drawer of this desk when he felt a slight vibration. Still in his days from the papers, it took a second for the vibration to register in his head, it was his cell phone. He had put the phone on the silent/vibrate mode as to not make too much noise when he was working. He hated the sound of the ringer on cell phones, no matter what they were set to. He grabbed a book of matches from his desk as he reached inside his pocket for the phone.
The number was unknown. He usually didn’t answer unknown callers, but for one reason, he felt that this one was different. “Hello?”
There was a pause on the other end of the phone before a female’s voice answered in a voice he had never heard before. “Hello, Davey?” The voice was sweet yet a tiny bit distressed.
“Yeah, who is this?”
“I don’t think you know me. I am a friend of a friend. But that doesn’t matter. I need your help –“
Davey quickly got frustrated. “What do you mean a friend of a friend? Who is this?” He looked at the clock on his desk. It read 2:32 am. Hardly anyone had his cell phone number so how a friend of a friend got the number and was now calling him made his blood start to boil.
“Davey, please listen to me. I need your help.” The voice on the other end started to quiver. “Please, please come and get me. I don’t know who else to turn to. I am at 40th and Ohio. Please, I am begging you, come and get me.”
40th and Ohio, Davey thought, that is almost a 20 minute drive from here. He couldn’t believe what he was being asked to do. The time was all wrong. It was too late in the evening. Now if it had been when the sun was still up, then he might think about it. What the hell was this girl thinking? She had to be out of her mind? Or could she really be in trouble. He had to think fast as he started to hear a soft sob coming from the other side of the phone. “Davey, please – are you there?”
“Yeah I am here. Give me a minute and I’ll be up there.” Then, after confirming the address one more time, he closed the phone, stuck it back into his jeans pocket, lit his cigarette and headed out the door.
The rain had not yet fallen he noticed when he stepped outside, but it would fall soon. He had to take the highway, which wasn’t a problem for him except when it came to the road construction which lay halfway between here and there. He hoped that the rain would at least hold off until he had passed it. The highway was closed down to one lane going either way there, and with the local bars just closing, it could be a very bad situation. He got in his car and stated it. The 1998 Grand Am didn’t start on the first turn, nor did it on the second, but on the third time it started with a low grouble, as if it too had been disturbed from something it had rather not be disturbed from.
He sat there, the cigarette clenched between his lips as the radio softly played the music from the local public radio station. He still was second guessing himself on if he really wanted to do this or not. The only way he could get out of it was by turning off the car and going back in. But he had no way of getting a hold of the girl that had called him. The number had been restricted. He reached for the hooded sweatshirt that was in the passenger’s seat. It was an older one that an ex girlfriend had given to him some years ago. Oh perfect he thought as he picked it up and slid it on over his head, yet one more thing to remind me of my past.
He thought of the last time that he had done something like this, picked up someone when they were troubled and acted like a knight rescuing the damsel in distress. It had been during the same time that the papers were written that were lying on his desk. It was for a girl who he had ended up dating for a little while, but departed after she told him that the only reason why she was dating him was as a thank you for his rescue. He thought that was fucked up. He would have been okay with a simple thank you, but the lies were uncalled for. Even if it had been some of the best sex he ever had.
Finally, after a minute of thinking and remembering had passed, the throw his car into reverse and pulled out of his drive way, unaware of what may be awaiting for him at his destination. At the current moment in time, he didn’t care as the rain started to come down, first as a sprinkle but which quickly grew into a full fledged down pour. He was only a couple of miles away from his house and he now couldn’t see more than ten feet in front of him through the rain. He glanced down at the speedometer. 35 miles per hour, the speed limit was 70, but he wasn’t going to risk it. The girl had already unconvinced him enough that he wasn’t going to risk killing himself over her.
Finally, the rain started to let up. He was still the only car on the highway. The sound of the wind passing though the window that was opened just a crack was enough to keep him a bit on the cold side. He switched the radio over from the public radio station to a burned CD that he had made months ago and turned up the volume. He was going faster now, 60 miles per hour. The clock on the dash of his car now read 3:07 pm. It had been over a half an hour sense the girl had called him. He stepped on the gas peddle.
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Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting start. Really not much closure on any of the pieces of the story to know where it is going or if you will be able to maintain the readers interest.
There would appear to be ample opportunity for you to develop the story though.
The style is good, though there are some awkwards sentences such as “The rain had not yet fallen he noticed when he stepped outside, but it would fall soon.” and “The highway was closed down to one lane going either way there,”. I really don’t like to be to technically picky on a review as I’m sure you will clean it up if it is going to be published and if not, who cares, right?
All in all, we will see what the next portion is like.
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rck419 reviewed Version 1 -
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You used “hand written” one time too many in the first few sentences, use something else.
“all but forgot as” should be “all but forgotten as”
In this it feels like you made everything “too long”
It felt like this took too long or this was forever and this was long and consuming. One thing about a good book is its pace, and it should have a good pace at the very beginning.
why is he awake at 2:32 AM? Explain why he’s up at such an hour.
”The rain had not yet fallen he noticed when he stepped outside, but it would fall soon. “
-Don’t let the reader know the rain is coming. Make it inconvenient for the main character. Let it come randomly and unexpectedly.
Overall the idea seems solid, although I can’t be sure if it would be paced well enough for most readers.
VoidSucker reviewed Version 1 -
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There are quite a lot of typos and grammar errors, eg:
‘Some time had passed SINCE he had looked…’
‘THEY told of no major events…’
‘HE THREW his car into reverse and pulled out of his DRIVEWAY..’
(The corrections are in CAPS.)
But, as you say, this is a rough draft.
Okay, onto the content!
Your first line isn’t great. It isn’t exciting and it suffers because you say ‘sitting behind’ and ‘Davey sat’ – repetition. You need to think of a stronger opening. If, however, you want to keep this line then I’d edit it:
‘Davey sat at his desk, glaring at the hand written papers spread out in front of him.’
I’d also edit the rest of paragraph, eg:
‘They told of his darker side, of a sexual nature he had all but forgotten . . . until now. ‘
The next paragraph also needs an edit:
‘A small desk lamp cast a soft glow over his desk beneath a breeze smelling of rain.’
We don’t NEED to know the room has 3 windows – it’s not important!
‘The papers told of sexual lust, women, and the ones that he would never remember.’
If he can’t remember, how can the papers tell of his sexual lust?
We also don’t need to know about his preferences for the cell phone being on vibrate – JUST GET ON WITH THE STORY.
The dialogue between Davey and the girl should be more exciting. If a random girl rang me up I’d just tell them to get lost. Rewrite the conversation to make it sound like Davey HAS to rescue her. Perhaps she reminds him of a previous girlfriend or something?
The trip in the car needs to be more vivid. If he’s driving in the rain SHOW us this – show us the rain lashing his windscreen and describe the sound it makes on his roof. Show us how his headlights cut into the black night etc.
The ending is a bit weak – it finishe with him still not having found her. Does this work? Is it exciting? No! Why not end it with him seeing a figure in the road? You want to end so that you raise questions in the mind of the reader – perhaps it ends with Davey being scared of what he sees? Then the reader will want to continue to find out what exactly he has seen.
This isn’t bad as a rough draft but you need to make it more vivid with your descriptions and edit out a lot of crap we don’t need to know, eg the windows, the taking the highway and it is closed etc.
Cherie reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s hard to give a good evaluation with the criteria you’ve listed. The story is so undeveloped, which it usually is as a first draft, that to say anymore than it’s a good start wouldn’t be fair. I really think if you want an honest and accurate review, you should work on it a bit more then resubmit. I sort of see where you are going, but it’s really only a guess. The basic premise is a good one. You’ve got the idea for a third person story….keep going and I’ll look for it when revised. Let me know in the comments if you want me to point out any flaws.
highelve34 reviewed Version 1 -
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this is very long a working progress short story aren’t they meant to be wel short don’t get me wrong this is a very good piece but it need to be in a different category. once you have finished it you should send it round to get it published it is very good.
aquaruischick reviewed Version 1 -
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sense is this suppose to be spelled since? this is a great piece. Good storyline, details and description. Tell us more about the surrounding Davey is in. Is he a writer or does he do other things? Keep this piece going,edit and add more to the story.
You could get this published if that is your goal You have talent and creativity, so don’t waste it. Create and amuse and amaze us readers.
Cait2007 reviewed Version 1 -
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That was really good. It kept my interest to the very begining to the end. I want to learn what happends next. Its really good for a rough draft. YOur vocab is very great and the details are very detailed. I really want to read more of it. Keep writing the series. Its really good. But sometimes i really dont like in books how they use cell phones for some reason because it makes it look like our generation is very spoiled. It also is very unique because it just leaves you hanging at the end. Keep on going!
cookie7878 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way you ended the story. It leaves the reader hanging, wanting to read more. This was the case with me. I enjoyed reading this piece that you wrote even though it was a rough draft and I did see some mistakes, you did warn me. =) But anyways, I liked it. I look forward to seeing more from you soon.
trig reviewed Version 1 -
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Even the most unbelievable scenarios can work if they have the ‘ring of truth’, this didnt for me. Having said that, I think it can work, and very well, but the background on Davey needs to tell me that he is the archetypical hero who would actually make the effort to go out on a mercy mission like this…and perhaps if the girl was a little more desperate but she just begs and doesnt give out any other info about herself and he just sounds a little too much like a cynic to put himself out that much.
I like your writing style and generally kept my attention, though to be honest I started to scan a few times but I think that would be overcome in the second draft. I wont comment on the minor things as you said its a first draft but overall I enjoyed it, and you built anticipation well
rayraylikewhut reviewed Version 1 -
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that was an amazing story. keep going at it and i will continure to read your wonderful stories. slightly depressing in a way. when you get the final draft done and everything tell me and ill read it. this is an awesome rough draft and has a wonderful potential to get to a novel if you let it progress that far.
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