Poetry / 24 Tears

I love this poem, but if you had been a bit more careful on the spacing, it would have read a lot better, but oh yes, i liked this a lot!

A wretched soul, bereft of the compassion she had promised, become a vessel for the souls of the souless only to be deprived her own…
loved this sentence, poem was captivating, very good

Twentyfour tears from a dead angel(‘)s eyes leak black onto the pillow where she lays her head, cracked and faded like an old china doll… (a proper ellipse is . . .)

Her memories stir through her lifeless corpse(,) and a smile breaks her blue lips. “Not here”, she says, then shes gone…

The blood turns to ashes and a sense of loss prevails, a disembodied voice tells me “No one wins(,)” and I accept this without question…

“You’ll never be forgotten(,)” (s)She whispers in my ear,
                                 I love the end of these three sentences
“You’ll never be forgiven(,)” (s)She whispers in my head,

“You’ll never be allowed to die(,)” (s)She screams into my dreams…

“Follow the future(,)”©Cry the beggars from the eternal damnation that they bare, “Don’t be afraid”…

“See(?)  (Y)you’ll NEVER be forgiven(.)”

“Never forget, never forgotten(,)” she speaks so softly…

“Cut me loose from the umbilical binds that have burnt and slit my wrists,”  Holy shit, what a bad assed line.  Dang.

This piece really speaks to me.  Well done.

As poetry, this doesn’t really work for me… It would need a lot of work (stanzas, rhythm, line breaks).  However, with minimal work this could be an excellent piece of flash fiction.  Just a suggestion.

Is this about death? Angels? I got kind of confused about the topic. I liked it, what I understood about it anyway.

I really, really like this. I will say that you might want to do something with ” souls of the soulless, tempted by temptation” I fall victim to this type of writing myself. Other than that, I loved it , especially the last part.

In each of your lines you have A LOT going on. Breaking them up even more might help. For me, the dialogue was strong and those lines could be on a line of their own and work very well. However, I read the poem very slow because it seemed like how you had written it was to be read that way, so spliting up lines might change that a tad. Don’t split the lines up too much…this is a strong poem that NEEDS to be read slow. Good job!

this is intresting. It is amusing to try to figure out the roles of the characters and the relationship between them. I also know this feeling, though it’s hard to put my finger on, to place it’s familiarity. I think the stanzas were well placed. The mood is captivating and the lack of specific claritty allows the reader to explore there own imagination to try to understand yours.

Very nice. The double-spaced lines makes it a bit tricky to read as well as the incredibly long lines in some cases, however this is mostly cosmetic and I still enjoyed the peice.  I look forwards to reading more of yours and I see great potential.  Keep it up!

The word you use make for a very elegant poem I just think that it needs refined. You rhyme though part of the poem but not throughout making it inconsistent. Parts are hard to follow. I still enjoyed reading it. The message being protrayed is still clear enough to understand. Maybe just put this into verses and it will make more sense. Keep writing. With some refinement this is gonna be really good.