Poetry / 24 Tears

Wow! You swept me right into the tumoil of your piece. Well done!
I’m not usually caught so off guard, especially by something so disspiriting. You definitely caught me off guard. Is it so disspiriting though? After the last line, I’m not so sure. Does the last line offer hope or just surrender? Is their hope in surrender? Is that enough?
I really like this.
My highest marks!

First off, this is good language.  The first line has a clear rhythm, and it’s pentameter.  The first two feet are dactyllic: “Twentyfour tears from a.”  (I’ve put the stressed syllables in between asterisks.)  Then there’s a spondee: “dead an-” followed by two iambs: “-gels eyes leak black“

If you say there’s a caesura (pause) between the two stressed syllables of “dead an-” then that comes exactly in the middle of the line, which makes the line match an Old English poetic technique of putting a pause in the middle of the line, with either side equally weighted.

The second line also falls into pentameter.  ”onto the pillow where she lays her head, cracked  This line is very clearly trochaic.  You can also see that a rhyme “black/cracked” comes exactly on time:

Twentyfour tears from a dead angels eyes leak black
onto the pillow where she lays her head, cracked

Dactyls (stressed, unstressed, unstressed) are really just extended trochees (stressed, unstressed), and spondees (stressed, stressed) can be seen as trochees with an extra emphasis.  Given that the first line is often slightly out of rhythm with the rest of most metered poems (usually to grab the reader’s attention), I’d say the poem in this stream of consciousness wants to be written in trochaic pentameter.  Find the lines that fit this rhythm, and that will help not only to give it structure, but it will help order the thoughts, too.

I wouldn’t worry about the rhymes.  At least, not until the best lines are picked out and aligned in meter.  Rhyme is much more suited for French and Italian and the other Romance languages than it is for English, which heavily favors alliteration and assonance.

For now, just put all the similes and metaphors aside, and try to piece together the main scene.  It might also help to cut out all the adjectives, too.  They’re really just window dressing, and aren’t needed before the window is installed.

The word you use make for a very elegant poem I just think that it needs refined. You rhyme though part of the poem but not throughout making it inconsistent. Parts are hard to follow. I still enjoyed reading it. The message being protrayed is still clear enough to understand. Maybe just put this into verses and it will make more sense. Keep writing. With some refinement this is gonna be really good.

Very nice. The double-spaced lines makes it a bit tricky to read as well as the incredibly long lines in some cases, however this is mostly cosmetic and I still enjoyed the peice.  I look forwards to reading more of yours and I see great potential.  Keep it up!

this is intresting. It is amusing to try to figure out the roles of the characters and the relationship between them. I also know this feeling, though it’s hard to put my finger on, to place it’s familiarity. I think the stanzas were well placed. The mood is captivating and the lack of specific claritty allows the reader to explore there own imagination to try to understand yours.

In each of your lines you have A LOT going on. Breaking them up even more might help. For me, the dialogue was strong and those lines could be on a line of their own and work very well. However, I read the poem very slow because it seemed like how you had written it was to be read that way, so spliting up lines might change that a tad. Don’t split the lines up too much…this is a strong poem that NEEDS to be read slow. Good job!

I really, really like this. I will say that you might want to do something with ” souls of the soulless, tempted by temptation” I fall victim to this type of writing myself. Other than that, I loved it , especially the last part.

Is this about death? Angels? I got kind of confused about the topic. I liked it, what I understood about it anyway.

As poetry, this doesn’t really work for me… It would need a lot of work (stanzas, rhythm, line breaks).  However, with minimal work this could be an excellent piece of flash fiction.  Just a suggestion.

Twentyfour tears from a dead angel(‘)s eyes leak black onto the pillow where she lays her head, cracked and faded like an old china doll… (a proper ellipse is . . .)

Her memories stir through her lifeless corpse(,) and a smile breaks her blue lips. “Not here”, she says, then shes gone…

The blood turns to ashes and a sense of loss prevails, a disembodied voice tells me “No one wins(,)” and I accept this without question…

“You’ll never be forgotten(,)” (s)She whispers in my ear,
                                 I love the end of these three sentences
“You’ll never be forgiven(,)” (s)She whispers in my head,

“You’ll never be allowed to die(,)” (s)She screams into my dreams…

“Follow the future(,)”©Cry the beggars from the eternal damnation that they bare, “Don’t be afraid”…

“See(?)  (Y)you’ll NEVER be forgiven(.)”

“Never forget, never forgotten(,)” she speaks so softly…

“Cut me loose from the umbilical binds that have burnt and slit my wrists,”  Holy shit, what a bad assed line.  Dang.

This piece really speaks to me.  Well done.