Poetry / Jack Off (R Rated)

very deep, probably wouldn’t appeal to a lot of people, but every writer has the ability to cover various topics, this would make good lyrics

Woah!
This is what I’m talking about! Fuck yeah!
Now this is “cutting edge” at it’s best!
Your work far outshines the atypical fare that dribbles fourth from the uninitiated many. This is the style I most exalt and you my freind are sitting atop the garbage heap! Of course I mean this in the most gratiating way!
Cheers good fellow!

Some fairly good images.  I’m brand new to Urbis and I don’t know if there’s a structural problem or a glitch in publishing the piece.  In any case, there is a stanzaic format established in the first few lines and abandoned in the rest of the poem.  That’s a problem.  

I’d try to compress the language a bit, make the images sharper, stark.  There’s something to work with here. But it’s overwritten.  For instance,
“When I call Silence screams, violent and obscene
Brutally it beats me and tears the flesh from my dreams
I step back from my self and see it dead in this gutter
Spit in disgust and pray I never recover.”

This can be tightened.  And the rhyme scheme is a bit cute for such a heavy subject.

This poet should be published nationally!  The writer has done an incredible job of taking a generally taboo subject, making it a deep message of purpose and intent with an inavoidable outcome.  His mode of expression and the demise of positve results state well the survival of futility.  I was originally chagrined at the subject of this poem, but it greatly caught my attention with the author’s message and held me captive as I read it! This, to my mind, is the greatest mastery of writing!  Keep it up, please!

That was strange and unusual, but intersting.

That’s some pretty weird shit there. The paragraph is awesome…and I can’t say why I think so. It just grips me, holds my attention. The more measured and structured part of the piece I could take or leave to be honest. I’m a sucker for free-form writing and this is a good example of it.

I prefer the poetry part of this piece, but the prose isn’t bad either. I think the piece would work better if the prose came before the poetry. Other than that, it does seem a little strange to go from poetry to prose, but I like the strange, so it works for me.

I like the gritty nature of it. The only criticism I have is the title; it seems like a cheap first impression of what turns out to be a very cool poem, and the line;
“When I call Silence screams, violent and obscene”
it comes right before my favorite line of the poem but it feels like a filler to get the poem to flow well, it feels to me to have less signifigance to this poem that all the other lines.
Other than that I think its a great poem. I love the imagry, the feeling of the room. It’s a bit voyeuristic which is very very appealing.

  I not sure what you are try to say in this poem, but good luck with it.
  I hope you find a publisher.. We’re pulling for you…

The images and mood is maintained consistently, and the piece is powerful throughout. However, I don’t see why you don’t just break the second part up into lines like the first half. It seems like it’d work better in one format than half one way, half the other, and this is more of a poem than anything else.  Certainly an interesting read.