Poetry / The Devil Beneath the Apple Tree

There was dirt on my hands, cuts on my knees.
He offered up a helping hand, or so I thought at least.

He had a smile of silver, that could charm the meanest snake,
And a playful twinkle in his eyes, that said he was safe.

But beneath his thin facade, shadows of the truth ignited deep inside,
To slither along the flickering smoke, and speak of evil and lies.

I was but a child who knew nothing of horror, or of pain;
Nothing of the darkness I had glimpsed lurking there that day.

But I could feel his eyes on my back as I walked away,
And when I glanced over my shoulder, he didn’t look quite the same.

I turned from him quickly, as a chill raced up my spine,
Like a warning to beware, of what was on his mind.

But I didn’t heed the silent words that pleaded to be heard
And the quiet clockwork of fate, clicked and slowly turned.

In the time that followed, the grey of day to day, I couldn’t see,
The evil of hushed footfalls, that were carefully stalking me.

Then he appeared again, beneath the shade of an apple tree.
He smiled his silver smile, and held out an apple like a silent plea.

A crooked finger beckoned for me to take the treat,
The twinkle returning to his eyes as I moved into the shadows at his feet.

He handed me the apple, from which I took a bite,
Without understanding that it would be my last innocent delight.

“I know a game we can play,” he said with a silken tongue.
“A special game that I don’t play with just anyone.”

I tilted my head at his words, then peered down at the fruit in my hand,
And as I stared at its shiny red skin, I wondered what he had planned.

“Are you afraid of the dark, my dear?” he asked. “No,” came my reply.
And with those fatal words of mine, the twinkle brightened in his eyes.

“The game I want to play, is just for me and you.  
A game of hide and seek, it is – made just for two.”

He held out his hand, then, like when he had helped me up from my fall,
But this time his hand was cold, as if it were not the same hand at all.

I wrapped my small fingers around the width of his clammy palm,
And he led me away down a deserted road, and into an eerie calm.

Along the path we walked, the birds, they did not sing,
And the animals were silent, except to scatter and flee.

Deeper, he did guide me, winding through grasses that grew waist tall,
To an abandoned shack that whispered of secrets big and small.

And there in the darkness, where the sunlight couldn’t reach,
We played the special game he’d tailored just for me.

The shadows, they then whispered, of my wordless cries;
Of the soundless tears, that left my wide eyes dry.

And the clock of fate still ticked, for every day spent there,
At the hands of the Devil, and his elusive, stalking stare.

Looking back, I don’t know now, why I didn’t see,
The Devil smiling at me from beneath the apple tree.

You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.

Reviews

Sort Reviews by  Newest |  Oldest |  Highest Quality |  Lowest Quality |  Newest Comments | 

 
squarehopper avatar General Stranger

May 04, 2009

squarehopper Prolific-icon-medium

personal info reviewer stats
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item
This 89 word review has not been unlocked.
TAUTHOR avatar General Stranger

December 05, 2008

TAUTHOR

personal info reviewer stats
TAUTHOR reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item
This 92 word review has not been unlocked.
MikeMartyr avatar General Stranger

October 28, 2008

MikeMartyr

personal info reviewer stats
MikeMartyr reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item
This 135 word review has not been unlocked.
sagittarius1212 avatar General Stranger

October 09, 2008

sagittarius1212

personal info reviewer stats
sagittarius1212 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item
This 17 word review has not been unlocked.
zariasmind avatar General Stranger

November 11, 2006

zariasmind

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
zariasmind reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

i liked the way the last line rounded back. i was a little confused how it went from playing a game to never able to leave. maybe if you add a few more expanitory lines in between it could help. then again it’s not so easy to just shove some lines into a finished piece.

the_counterlife avatar General Stranger

November 11, 2006

the_counterlife

personal info reviewer stats
the_counterlife reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

You obviously have a knack for rhyming, which is envious.  It sells the peice in that sense.  But, ultimatately, I felt that I knew where the peices was going, half way through.  Is there a way to delve deeper?

“And the clock of fate still ticked, for every day spent there,
At the hands of the Devil, and his elusive, stalking stare.”

It seems that the obvious reference is to the Devil, but, subtexutally, I wonder if perhaps there could be more at play.  Is this devil real?  Or is he a pedophile haunting, trying to seduce his victim?  I think you can bend the rules a little more by playing with the ambiguity you’ve already built in:

“The game I want to play, is just for me and you.  
A game of hide and seek, it is – made just for two.”

The voice is already there.  Just try and stay away from the obvious cliches.  

melseid avatar General Stranger

November 11, 2006

melseid

personal info reviewer stats
melseid reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I like this very much. Largely, because it seems to have an understandable, yet potentially very symbolic, plot.

I love poetry with rhyme. It warms it up for me. I think though, that rhyme makes me look for a rhythm, and I had a hard time placing a reliable rhythm. Perhaps that’s your plan, but for me, personally, it just makes it a little harder to read. My mind just spends half its energy looking for a meter.

Very enjoyable, descriptive piece, nonetheless. Thanks!

SolShine7 avatar General Friend

November 11, 2006

SolShine7

personal info reviewer stats
SolShine7 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

What a beautiful poem! The rhythm is like a skillful dance of words. “He offered up a helping hand, or so I thought at least.” That’s exactly what the devil does. Speaking of the devil, I think you should not capitalize the word devil. If you were to use Satan, that would be captialized because it is a name or Lucifer. And this line: “And the quiet clockwork of fate, clicked and slowly turned.” was lovely. I like the narrative progression of the story about how it wraps back around to the beginning to stress the point: “Looking back, I don’t know now, why I didn’t see,
The Devil smiling at me from beneath the apple tree.” Oh and this line was just brillant: “He handed me the apple, from which I took a bite, Without understanding that it would be my last innocent delight.” maybe you could work that in again somewhere towards the end. It’s just so good. One last thing, I would take the comma away from the fourth graf: ”...horror or of pain”. Again, what an amazing poem! You such publish this in a Christian magazine as well as other places.

wRitEhAnDman avatar General Stranger

November 11, 2006

wRitEhAnDman

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
wRitEhAnDman reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

First of all, I agree with your “rhyming” comment.  Whether or not you think rhyming is bad taste, or old style, you can still provide helpful comments on how to be a better poet. That being said, here’s my critique:

At the risk of repeating myself (and basically rewriting the piece), I will say this once, and let you figure out the application:  when writing rhyming poetry, you typically have to follow a consisten meter.  Which meter you use is totally up to you but it must remain consistent in rhythm or the rhyming won’t work as you intended.  Read every line aloud and exaggerate the flow and inflection of each syllable and you will soon understand this.  (ex.  Stnz I & II are fine, but III is too bulky).

Stnz 4 I would suggest changing horror_ to terror and accordingly  or to nor because the phonic or is too abundant.

Stnz 5 has the same rhyme scheme as the stnz 4 and that can sometimes be confusing.

Stnz 7 has some great alliteration but I something like this might fit better:
        I heeded not the caution…
        Fate’s quiet clockwork clicked…

When the story takes us to the “shack” you start to lose me. You are playing hide and seek with the devil? Who is “it” and who is “hiding”?  Are you hiding in the shack and the devil deserted you? Are you searching for the devil but are trapped in the shack?  Is this at all an allusion to the Garden of Eden, because it partially references Genesis?

Also, more imagery would serve your theme better, especially when describing your encounter with the devil.  Is he just a “silver smile” or is there more to him? Perhaps you know what he looks like but lack the ability to describe it either because he is not earthly or because he prevents it.  

Just some ideas.   I hope it wasn’t too critical, just wanted to be as honest, fair, and efficient as possible.

MeganRenea avatar General Stranger

November 11, 2006

MeganRenea

personal info reviewer stats
MeganRenea reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

“silent words that pleaded to be heard”
“like a silent plea.” You use silent plea too often to describe a request that cannot be heard. I’m sure you could be more inventive than that. It starts to sound unimaginative, I came across the word silent about 3 times. There are very many synonyms for silence and pleading.

“Without understanding that it would be my last innocent delight.” The problem with rhyming, with better-than-average writers, is often times the rhythym and you’re conciseability of large thoughts. Some of these lines are rather long and the reader waits for the beat and it prolongs the melody, like an inexperienced rapper trying to finish a thought when the beat has already gone. Either set an amount of syllables or pay attention to the beat. I like iambic pentameter, only because well, it’s the only one I care to know.

“He held out his hand, then, like when he had helped me up from my fall,” another very long sentence. Consider trimming.

It is was very very good poem. It’s story-like. It reminds me of something I have read, but it sounds very original. I know there is something you are trying to tell me in this. I just think the flow is a little jutted.

Showing 1 - 10 of 23
Next →

Creator
Arimay avatar

Arimay

Age: 35
Loc: Crescent City, CA
Gen: F
Last Login: February 25
Relevant Links
Item Stats

GENERAL

23 Reviews 12 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: 6 months ago

REVIEW QUEUE

Appeared in Queue: 36 Times
Skipped: 6 Times
Large_criteria Ratings & Rankings
Tags

There are no tags for this item.