Poetry / Yet Another Sigh

not bad.  not a big love poetry guy, but thats just me.  Not too complicated a rhyme scheme, but thats probably the point.  good work

Feelings we have all felt before. The makings of a great emo song. I can see it now on the back of a record by a band named something like The Beat My Heart Skipped. I don’t really go for the whole “mushy” thing in poetry. But this was really nice. A nice change from all the faux-suicide poems I have read on this site… sigh. I think the subject is a little over done, and it is hard to try to write about the longing of love in contempory poetry without sounding too sentimental. One thing I would try to work on would be what is really inside these feelings, what have lead up to them, and those kinds of things. I am not a poet by any means, but I read a lot of it. I think this is okay, but it has promise. Maybe not this one but with other poems try to rewrite as much as you can. It always helps. Good luck and good job.

Cheers

While this is the greatest ryhming poem I’ve ever heard….it’s good. I like the awkwardness of the scheme…(How it starts off in a c,a pattern then ends in an a,b pattern….Anyway, Good job i like the passion in it as well.

this is timeless i think everybody can relate to this kind of poem

I enjoyed your poetry so much I chose to read and review another.  This one is also quite excellent.  I did see someone else’s review before doing mine, and saw their opinion about “true” feelings.  I see their point and you may readily agree with it.  And the use of “true feelings” may be somewhat trite.  But I see it a different way.  When I read “true feelings” I imagine the deception your speaker has been playing.  It’s not a major deception, perhaps, but it the deception of someone who isn’t showing on the outside how much they smile on the inside when that someone is near.  I imagine that kind of false easygoing style I’ve employed when around someone who made my heart race.  So I like the use of the word.  My stumbling point was “Wish I knew to end this grief.”  I think what you are saying is that you wish you knew what they would do if you told them, and if you did, it would end the grief you are feeling.  As one line, it read differently, like like you wish you knew to end the grief… which is basically the same I guess.  I don’t know how it would throw your structure, I was thinking maybe “to end this grief” could be on a separate line.  Just a suggestion.  Again, I really like your work.

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November 13, 2005

by ObscuredApathy

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Why thank you flashboredom. You got the deception part about this. Yeah I guess it could go on another line by itself…when I retype this in different places the lines never seem to be the same yet the words are.

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simple direct and short. while this isn’t “great poetry” its not bad. the “sweetness” and hopefulness shine through.

authors of this type of poem tend to draw these out to torturous lengths. gratefully, you avoided that.

a suggestion:

“Once I tell you my true feelings
Hoping for a reply”

i think you can omit “true” we all assume your feelings are true.

i might recast this as-

If I tell you my feelings
and await your reply
would it overwhelm you?
will you tell me “goodbye”?

it was cute and real and far better than any of my teenage poems were.

The simple rhyme scheme makes it very song-like.

“So that I can feel your shoulder “beneath my face…

Sweet imagery.