Yes, people’s part seemed a little ackward – one of those unfortunate english words like Jesus’...
Novel Treatments / and then...night changed
Something in him changed; he was sad beyond movement or tears. It was as if he was remorseful for a past life of order, cruelty, and fiery retribution…of cold calculation and naked ambition. He was sobered into his body, his mind, his heart. It was as if his whole body had just shuddered into existence. And every memory rose up entirely at once, like a monstrous tsunami washing over all his previous dreams, fantasies, wishes, desires; it was like an epiphany unaccompanied by briskness, a transfiguration without light, a rapture sans energy. It was a black-and-white headline: Oh what have you done? How could you have been? It was the eyes of a whole people’s skulls glaring at him from behind a veil of darkness. And no thought, no logic, no proverb, could redeem his being, could restore the night to its rightful place.
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hilton1 reviewed Version 1 -
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Raef reviewed Version 1 -
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najah reviewed Version 1 -
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Frank_Sonata reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the phrase “sobered into his body” – suggestive of an abrupt awakening. The piece is rather short and in need of some development I think.
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Itacelis reviewed Version 1 -
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At first I thought this was a description that indicated that he was remorseful of previous deeds, and I assumed it would lead to setting things right. But what I found at the very last sentence was that he’d simply accepted his… damnation. Excellent piece here. I liked the use of vocabulary, but I think some of the sentences are too complicated and verbose for my liking. I might suggest removing some unnecessary words or providing more breaks to make it easier to digest for the reader.
JeanJefferies reviewed Version 1 -
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people’s skull, maybe person skull fits better, and it seems more prose with a little spice. good luck with it
just_Juli reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! I really like this! Probably because I get these little bursts too and like you I’m not really sure where they fit. Dont lose this; it sounds like a hell of a lead in to a great story not yet born.
Jcanti71 reviewed Version 1 -
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What caused this? Whay has your character been brought this low. I want answers! Just kidding, very vivid piece.
Is this the start of something bigger? A hook perhaps.
smoke2myfire reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this, cause he kind of sounds like an insomiac, and I love things that creep me out.
I liked this part
“And no thought, no logic, no proverb, could redeem his being, could restore the night to its rightful place.”
Dennis reviewed Version 1 -
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Good prose and imagery here. I don’t know who he is you are writing about in this little excerpt but the description is good. Keep it up.
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