Poetry / Rhapsody in Red

Overall, I like this. I love many of the “lines.” Particularly “unending movement of this molten lava,” & the entire last sentence. Double for the last sentence. It creates powerful images.

I would suggest seeing how many adjectives you can live without. It’s mostly noticeable in the second sentence.

Also, I suggest getting rid of unnecessary words such is “it’s like” at the beginning. It’s unnecessary and severely lessens the impact of the rest of the line.

Perhaps give this a try with line breaks. I don’t say that something like this isn’t poetry; it certainly is. But this piece is full of strong images, colors, movement and flow. I think something with stanzas and line breaks (not necessarily any traditional forms) would really emphasize this, mazimizing the strengths of the piece.

I really enjoy the piece as it is, but it just feels… unfinished. Like the seed of a poem jotted down so you don’t forget to really write it later. It has so much potential, but I would love to see a revision.

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September 05, 2008

by Alessander

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
202	85.7% (42 votes)	43.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
32	M	Pasadena, CA	July 12

You are very right – it is merely a moment alluding to some other whole, though what whole, I don’t know.  I figure it’s somewhere in me in the future.  

I’ll see about the line breaks – these “prose-poems” always make a writer really think about tinkering with the format.

Thanks for the informative review.

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Are we going to get a whole series of these?  I liked this; it felt good.  Very sensual, and I like the contrast of the icy darkness at the end, though I wish that was explored a little further, I imagine, in another poem.  As a stand alone it was pretty okay, but the whole is always greater than the some of it’s parts, and I would love to see how you manipulate this into different colored rhapsodies.  Great start though, you definitely took me there.  

After reading notes to  reviewer, this constitues as a poem. Of course the wording could be different (more conventional maybe?) as in fewer words to describe  things.  for example:  Even the harshest, toughest, darkest element deposited in my body has melted in the relentless pressure, heat, and unending movement of this molten lava

compressed under
relentless pressure,
my body’s
harshest, toughest, darkest
element
surrenders as it  melts
into the unending movement
of this molten lava.

I loved how you described its movement. Nice contrast with the last line too! Unique metre and style to the poem.

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April 06, 2007

by Alessander

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
202	85.7% (42 votes)	43.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
32	M	Pasadena, CA	July 12

Thanks for the alternate. I for the most part do beleive in concisness and brevity, but sometimes, sometimes, I sacrifice brevity for rythm or other reasons. But I will take it under consideration. Thanks.

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After reading your piece, I personally took it as a poem.  The words are very descriptive and symbollic.  The words you used, reveals images and emotions to the reader.  I can feel your words.  Nice use of words and erratic rhythm which interacts well with each other throughout the poem.  One suggestion: if you restructure your poem (instead of leaving it in sentence form), it also makes even more of an impact to the readers’ eyes.  The way you place your words and design the lines of your poem will also make even more of an impact to the reader. Good poem!