Poetry / "LULLABY"

this is very nice. i like the form and the “red words.” red is a very dramatic color. i like the idea of hiding a limp and borrowing a sentence. “And the shaking after the letter/ From the sudden loss/ Of so many words” this metaphor comparing blood and words as if they are just as vital to life is so good.

i can hear the song of your awesome poem :)

That was really beautiful. It flows incredibly well. It enjoyed reading it as there are few poets out there that can get things to flow so smoothly from one to the next. The end is great too, the format giving it a slower feeling. Thank you!

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March 27, 2008

by mannequingirl

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
89	88.9% (27 votes)	28.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
51	F	Chicago, IL	September 06

Thanks for the review.  Glad you found something beautiful in it!

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I loved it! I felt like I was taking a journey into your private love affair and I really liked that I got a snipit of your life.  I really enjoyed this piece. I especially liked the last stanza with the words floating like a feather, very nice touch.

Hot damn!  This is a gorgeous work.  Expression bleeding out (what a great metaphor), the limp and wet sock of the wounded, each time the wind blew it open (ghostly, the past repeating itself?  insinutating itself in the present?), the non existence of certain colors, and the thread connection of time, there is so much here to ponder.  Your phraseology is unique and multi-faceted.  This is a terrific piece, to be read again and again.

“But you gave me a feather
Said, “Here, cut with this.””

That part was my favorite. Overall great work. I loved it.

I do not really tbink this is suitable as a lullaby to a child because some of it is too morbid or dark for children.  I think the analogy of the coffin was a good one.  Good job.  I like the ending.

I like this, it’s got an easy rhythm and flow to it.  And the detail in the imagery really makes you feel.  The main problem I had though was following the poem from one scene to another.  It wasn’t so bad going from the house to the frame shop, but we come back without any warning at all.  The poem either needs to be sectioned, or you need to work on the transition between scenes. And it all definitely works together, but I could almost see the bit in the frame shop being a poem by itself.

Also, be careful you’re not repeating the same idea.  Like in the first line you don’t need cloak and hide, and then your idea about writing a letter takes up 3 stanzas, making the beginning of the poem drag.  Also the word indubitably really sticks out. It seems awkward compared to the rest of your language.  If the middle part was the strongest, the opening is what needs the most work.

As far as the end goes, I like it, but you don’t really need to stretch out the last bit. I get why you’re doing it, but I would still lengthen the lines to conform with the rest of the poem; a couplet would finish the poem quite nicely.  

Other than that the stanza breaks are pretty good, with the exception of

“He said I
was revising history
With my bright colors.”

Great lines, but it felt like you were stretching to make it a tercet.  What you have here could be said in 2. If you want to make it 3, you need to give an action to the framer to round it out, or make the quote longer or something.

All in all a very enjoyable read though; I look forward to coming back once it’s a little more polished.