Great advice on the line. I appreciate it and will be editing soon with what you said in mind.
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Poetry / You have entered my forest of fear!
When the shadows become dim and blend in with the trees
cold winds blow up your skirt
chills run over your skin
the sun going down
light is dimming
the forest seems to be reaching out to you
pointy stiff fingers poking at your skin
You have entered my forest of fear!
Terror enters your mind
spinning around to get your sense of direction
everything has become one
enclosed in my nightmare
I share with you my thoughts telepathically
my voice haunting you this one last time
You have entered my forest of fear!
Try and run in all directions
there is no escape for the weak
my pawn now
just a sheep in the midst of the great wolf
your Shepard has left you
no one with a staff to protect your life
You have entered my forest of fear!
All of your fears spill out on the ground
turning all different shades of color
they all turn to black
sitting back I patiently wait to attack
absorbing you into my world of lust and hate
tasting your blood not a drop will go to waste
You have entered my forest of fear!
Waiting for you to beg and scream for mercy
no one to hear your cries for help
just the lone wolf
food for me to devour
this is your final hour.
You will never leave my forest dear!
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presiterrr reviewed Version 1 -
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It was a different rendition of Little Red Riding Hood..I believe..brought me along your path, did not see punctuation though. I am guilty of the same.
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goofygoober168 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the idea you’ve got going here. A little tweaking, and it’d easily be a ‘fave.’ This line--“turning all different shades of color”--is somewhat odd to me. They turn colors just to turn black? Or do they pool together (as if afraid to be out in the open?) and muddle to black? Rewording would clarify as well as do away with the ‘turning/turn’ redundancy. My only other issue is the intermittent rhyme…some readers will not mind (or scarcely notice) but it is off-putting for some. Something to think about, anyway. Overall, quite a piece. :)
Ramie777 reviewed Version 1 -
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Truly Amaazing…As You Read You Can Feel, See, Hear, With the large amounts of description you presented…it makes one twirl within in their mind to keep up with the quick movements that seem to take place…Yet it is dark but makes ones heart pounce at the feelings you put into it.. Really a good piece dont give up and keep working..cause you have an abundance of talent…
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