Poetry / Acoustic Intimations
In the smoky gray haze,
Scented with cedar and aging hardwood floors
And the withered stubs of Cuban cigars and unfiltered cigarettes,
He cradles her softly in his arms,
Touching her tenderly, like a lover.
His ashen bangs shield his self from prying eyes,
As his voice flows seamlessly into hers,
Flavoring the cabaret with their secret intimations.
His fingers stroke her until she croons,
Deep within at the brush of his hands.
And their duet touches hearts young and old,
Making new memories in the night,
Or stoking dying embers of old.
But his eyes and heart are hers alone,
Chords resonating from deep within,
So it is clear what he knows when he sings of love.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
October 27, 2006
Deleted User
could it be that “and unfiltered cigarettes” isn’t necessary here? cause the “cuban cigars” bouncing off the “cedar” reads as such a nice complement to each other. and, really, it’s not so vital to say unfiltered cigarettes… we’re going to know it’s not a starbucks patio… that this is a place of sensuality—the “cuban” does that for us.
nice work.
- add/view comments (1)
I like the general idea of this poem, and you create some good images. There are a few lines that don’t read very smoothly, though. ”His ashen bangs shield his self…” Could you just say “shield him from prying eyes,” or maybe “shield his face from prying eyes.” Also, the line “Deep within at the brush of his hands,” is sort of awkward, and so I think that your point ends up being missed. Overall, I think it’s a good poem. I really like the idea of “flavoring the cabaret,” and the way you set up the scene. Nice work.
Showing 1 - 2 of 2
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
